To be jealous of how much family support others have?

[DownLoww]

Does anyone else find themselves feeling jealous of people with lots of family help? I know someone and she has 5 kids and is off on her second solo holiday this year. Shes often on nights out, at concerts and festivals, weekends away. My mum use to have my children all the time when they were younger but she stopped and doesnt at all now so I didn’t go into it knowing I had no support (she promised a lot of support and even asked me to move closer so she could help more often)
I know it was my decision to have children, and I don't expect anyone else to look after them but I see so many people have so much help and sometimes get upset. Does anyone else not have family support?

The woman you are jealous of - who in her family is helping her and how do you know the specific support she gets?

Have you asked why “she prefers helping him”? Did she say this or does she just provide more support in the early years of the adjustment which your brother is now in and you have assumed she “prefers helping him?”

Because she has told me?

We had no family support when ours were small. It was hard. Therefore I'm going to make sure we are absolutely there for our grandkids, supporting as much as we can both practically and financially.

It's a shame there's not some way of pairing older people without grandkids with young families who would love the support.

Not early years considering his children are 6 and 8 now and are just slightly younger than mine, our 8 years olds are born a month apart

Same for me.

Ok but WHO does she get support from? Just one parent having her kids all the time or it is shared among a big family? My step-sister got a lot of family support when she had my niece but she was a teen, we had a large family and we all had a lot of spare capacity to provide that support. So it was never too much work for one person. As people got older, more nieces / nephews and grandkids came along things changed a lot.

For your mom to take on your and your brothers kids would be a lot of extra work.

Well then you need to ask her.

I’m a solo parent with no family in this country. It hurts when others don’t seem to get that there truly is no one else to step in at any point, but on balance I don’t feel resentment or fed up. I chose to have my children, and I don’t mind it falling to me. It is worth it for the strong bonds I have with each of my children and their secure belief that I have their backs no matter what.

Just make friends with them? My mom got support from our elderly neighbours. We were really close, they were never able to have children of their own so they became “surrogate grandparents” in a way alongside aunts and uncles who also helped (and of course, our dad.)

So as a parent you pick one child yeah? 👍 no most parents would help one sometimes and one another time but you’ve made your feelings clear that you’d favour one so nothing more to say

I think it hurts because I was promised the support and told to move closer for more help. Maybe I wouldn’t feel that way if I hadn’t been.

I remember tentatively suggesting z babysitting circle at dd’s playgroup. The women stared and one said, “Why don’t you ask your parents?” I said that that would require a seance. I don’t think they got it…

How much help do you get from your DC's other grandparents OP?

You're staying very tight lipped about how much parenting your DC's father does, but what about his family?

They are deceased so why would I mention them?

I hear this suggestion all the time on mumsnet but in my experience most people aren’t interested as they already have support from family.

My mum was diagnosed with dementia when ds2 was born . I was a sandwich carer for years . I might have had maybe less than 10 or 12 nights out over a decade with dh . ils occasionally long term baby sit for the two teens for me ( they live further away and maybe had the kids if we popped to the pub whilst we stayed at theirs ) and my DH so we could have a break away but often it is more work as I have to get the house ready as well and have everything ready like clockwork ( uniform etc ) they just have be in the house and treat it like a break. DS 17 causes so many problem s with DS 13 hen in the house and does daft stuff ( think Jack ass style pranks ) we don’t even dare go to the pub on Friday ! I can’t wait till he goes to uni next year . It’s horses for courses really . People complain about the standard of their mils childcare at the school gate used to irritate me as fielded another call from the care people or social workers for mum . I now pay it forward and babysit for a colleague who is an expat in this country occaisionally for free when her and her husband need a night out - otherwise she has to fly her mil over ! More structured childcare I paid for on the past . A lot of people have a different situation depending on what age they become parents I think . There will be other challenges for them in the future as their parents age . For now I’m now free of all that as I encountered it early but my peers are struggling now with oldies and older teens .

Op its hard same had zero help. My mil was good would help for a xmas night out. My mother had zero interest. Mine reared now but looking back god was hard.

You sound like you think Mumsnetters should've known this?

Well im only sharing whats relevant, if there was other grandparents I would share that

Thanks thats a good point, we at least won’t have to worry about caring for her when she needs it.

You just have to crack on @DownLoww . I had three under five and lived 200 miles away from any family. It is what it is.

What is relevant here is how much parenting your DC's father does.

Because this could be the reason your mum has stepped back.

If he does little to none of his share (and I suspect this to be the case given your silence), then it's quite possible she decided not to encourage his laziness.

It's one thing helping out, but it's quite another to step in because a parent refuses to parent their own kids.

No I wasn’t jealous of support, I was sad for my DS that he has no siblings or cousins or younger GP who he could have had sleepovers etc with, but that’s life and everyone’s is different. DA is now 18 so DH and I are getting used to this new stage of our lives. I hope I will be a GP in the future and if so I hope I will be fit and live near enough to be a positive role in their lives

Your situation sounds the same as mine OP. I have 3 DC. When the eldest was a baby my mum babysat often, they had a great relationship. Eldest is now 13 and have had two more since and can count on one hand the amount of times my mum had babysat in the last 10 years. We have no support on DH side either.

As a child growing up I was constantly at grandparents, partly for childcare while parents work partly because I loved being with my grandparents and they asked to have me. My parents do not have the same relationship with my children. On the odd occasion she comes round with a handbag full of sweets she acts out out when my children don’t go running into her arms. They barely know her.

In my friendship group, we all have children. Everybody else’s parents ask to see their grandchildren. Take them in days out, holidays, babysit etc. I can’t relate and it makes me sad (and also jealous!)