To be jealous of how much family support others have?

[DownLoww]

Does anyone else find themselves feeling jealous of people with lots of family help? I know someone and she has 5 kids and is off on her second solo holiday this year. Shes often on nights out, at concerts and festivals, weekends away. My mum use to have my children all the time when they were younger but she stopped and doesnt at all now so I didn’t go into it knowing I had no support (she promised a lot of support and even asked me to move closer so she could help more often)
I know it was my decision to have children, and I don't expect anyone else to look after them but I see so many people have so much help and sometimes get upset. Does anyone else not have family support?

You're not being unreasonable to be jealous, I wish I was her too 🤣

Hi OP I'm in the same boat although I knew the situation going in. My mother died years ago and my MIL is lovely but lives at the other side of the country. My husband's brother very occasionally babysits so we can go out for an afternoon but that's just a few times a year. Generally, we have no help at all. I'm just resigned to it but it means we very rarely go out as a couple.

I can’t edit anymore but she hasn’t had them in years, they were babies when she use to help with them.

Did your mum say why she didn't want to help any more?

I look around at all the grandparents with prams, at school pick up etc and I think parenthood is a completely different experience for some people and the help can be taken for granted. If you don't have a village it can be really tough at times.

The reality probably didn’t live up to her expectations. She probably found it harder and more tiring than she thought.
What would she say if you asked so you could go to something specific?

I’d be jealous of your friend too. That’s natural.

I didn’t have help and didn’t expect any. My in laws were never interested and my own parents were well into their 70s when I had kids and lived abroad half the year. Sure I’d see young grandparents out and about with their grandkids but that just wasn’t my situation. If we wanted to go away or out we paid for childcare.

Are you a single parent? Does your DC dad not pull his weight?

Aside from financial considerations, you should be able to go on a solo holiday the same as your friend surely?

Obviously if the father is deceased or not involved it’s different.

I did feel that way when my kids were younger ( they are 18 and 21.5 now) But I made the decision to move away and for years, regretted my decision. But, over time, I accepted what I had done and to be fair, we and my parents used to drive to a half way meeting point so they could have the kids for a few days, every so often.

Mostly though, we had no couple time for a very long time.

All our family live some distance away. They will travel down to help for prearranged things, the odd night away, a wedding for example. But we don’t have any regular support to tap into.

I do however book a babysitter when we want to go out.

I know very few people in London who have family support nearby.

When I was a kid, the parents of a group of kids in the village used to regularly babysit for each over, for free. If it wasn’t reciprocated people would just say no. It worked pretty well from what I can remember.

My parents don’t help me with childcare. I feel a bit envious of others who get help, but that’s just the way it is. There’s nothing I can do about it. They help us financially so at least they provide some form of support. My in-laws don’t help us at all and we hardly see them (their choice).

When mine were little it was nice to have family come and babysit if DH and I wanted to go out together.

But the most important support for me, was from my husband and vice versa.

My brother had his children shortly after mine and she preferred helping with his children which is her choice but can’t stay it doesnt sting a bit!

Is your DC's father on the scene?

If so, how supportive is he?

This is about family help so I want to focus on that. That would be a different thread.

You are not unreasonable envy others with support but your mother is also not unreasonable to not have your kids as much as it will be much harder as she ages.

I mean the father is family too.

It's not a different thread at all.

Family support starts with the family a couple has created.

She has my brothers children though who are younger

This woman’s family are having the children not their father so yes it would still be a different thread

I'm not asking about how supportive the woman's DC father is.

I'm asking you how supportive your DC's father is.

The more a couple's parenting is on the same page and the more supportive they are to each other, the less they need to worry about other help.

Maybe that’s her rule. She helps with the early stages of childcare and then backs off when they are older which seems fair. To have your children AND your brothers children all while becoming more elderly would be exhausting.

Not asking her to have both at the same time but ok! Shes had my brother's children for a lot longer than she did mine. So no she hasn’t back off

Maybe she's happy to help when the children are younger, as she did for you

What's wrong with that

You sound incredibly entitled

Would be an entirely different thread