To be jealous of how much family support others have?

[DownLoww]

Does anyone else find themselves feeling jealous of people with lots of family help? I know someone and she has 5 kids and is off on her second solo holiday this year. Shes often on nights out, at concerts and festivals, weekends away. My mum use to have my children all the time when they were younger but she stopped and doesnt at all now so I didn’t go into it knowing I had no support (she promised a lot of support and even asked me to move closer so she could help more often)
I know it was my decision to have children, and I don't expect anyone else to look after them but I see so many people have so much help and sometimes get upset. Does anyone else not have family support?

Thanks for understanding as not many do. My mum acts exactly the same when my kids dont seem to have much of a bond with her. Im jealous of people who have grandparents that actually want to see and spend time with the grandchildren.

Not unreasonable.

I knew I would be leaving my kids with my parents but I hoped ILs would be more helpful, MILs parents were incredibly involved and supportive.

I’ll add in jealousy of people who can use nursery/school. I’ve seen MNers with not much family support say school/nursery was they “village”.

Wildly burnout after 3 years of 2/3 kids all the time, only just started getting better since having a bit of patchy as hell childcare which is very expensive and idk how long we’ll be able to maintain it.

Living 200 miles away would make a difference though, we live 1 mile apart because she told me
to move closer so she could help out.

I totally get it OP and I sympathise.

I live abroad with my husband we met here and all our family are in the UK. It is hard work and yes grates me a bit when I see how much help my SIL gets from my in-laws. Saying that if we were in the UK I am sure they would help us too. But it does massively change the dynamics.

Also I'm not quite sure the family in UK truly understand the day to day reality of it all. Yes when they come do visit we do all the good life, touristy things and have a great time. They think we live a big holiday and I'm lucky not to have to work. The reality is though I had no choice but to give up my job as childcare and now school life is so inflexible it wasn't possible to do it any other way.

I am that DGMa that does have my DGC regularly. My DD and her DH have just got back from a weekend away, the DGC got here on Friday and left about 15 minutes ago.

It is really difficult, because I have seen thread after thread on MN adamantly proclaiming that those that would like their parents to offer child care are in the wrong because your parents have no obligation to look after your children.

I personally do feel that I do have an obligation because they are my DGC, they are my family, they are my responsibility as well as their parents. That is the way I was brought up and the way I brought my DD up and the relationship I have with my DGC.

It is an obligation that comes from a place of love and my duty to nurture my DGC, as another generation.

I do understand @DownLoww how
you must feel about your friend and don’t doubt her account at all, because my DD is your friend.

It is a hard one. As @LancashireButterPie,
says do things differently if and when you get the chance.

My parents died before I had children. In some ways it’s easier as I’ve never had the expectation of support, but I also know I’ve had a totally different experience of parenting than some of my peers.

I am really jealous of someone on Instagram and I know it’s ridiculous and I need to stop following her but it’s compelling and I can’t 🤣

Yes I've found this whenever I've floated this out. Other people seem to already have family or established friendship sharing groups they don't want more children in the mix.

@DownLoww I was never jealous but I was angry. The ILs (DHs parents and sister) were local to us, young (50s, 20s) and just didn’t bother their arses helping out. They did get in a tizz when I eventually decided we’re not just for Christmas and Easter when they wanted ‘family’ days like everyone else. I started booking holidays across these expected ‘family’ events. I would have also have been a fabulous aunt to SILs child (5) but I feel I don’t owe anything so now my children are older, I just watch her going through the hard times without offering to help. Funny though the PILs seem to step up for her.

I do find a lot of the time on here people push using babysitters which is all well and good but it’s so expensive. I’ve got one coming next Thursday and it’s going to cost me £60, that’s on top of a night out!

And babysitters aren’t the same as supportive family as it’s still no overnights and no holidays.

I have less than you (had). My mum isn’t up to it mentally or physically and in laws are overseas. The only help we have is part-time nursery (when I’m at work). No mum friends or anyone really who can help. But we plug on….

I’m not too fussed about holidays or even overnights, although a lie in would be bloody bliss.

See im the opposite im not fused about a couple of hours here and there 😩. But a real proper break
Would be amazing

Our parents were also 70+ before we produced our sole chick. DH's parents looked after a toddler for a weekend, my DM stayed in the game into teen years, but it was never ever a routine expectation of them.

Oh I want a full day like I want nothing on earth!!

Op mumsnet has this weird rule that no matter what resources your parents have you should expect no support from them emotionally, financially or otherwise.
In the real world, most families are loving and helpful, so it’s really hard when yours isn’t. Parenting without a village is a completely different experience than parenting with. It’s totally ok and normal to feel envious that you haven’t had the same experiences as others. It’s ok to have those thoughts, but try to move them on quickly and don’t let them consume you.

My parents were dead before DD was born, and DH’s parents in their 70s and just not that interested really, so we don’t have that much support but I knew that going in.

I have an amazing sister who is a lot older than me, has grown children and grandchildren of her own. I don’t want to ask her often though as she does a lot of childcare for her grandkids as it is, but she will sometimes help the odd time for work. Her grown children have helped the odd time (as I do with their kids). And my in laws to be fair do help out when it’s a need, as in an appointment/ emergency or if we really don’t have other childcare for work. The other week I ended up in hospital and they did have DD overnight, they’re finding it easier now she’s getting older.

DD is 6 and we’ve managed a couple of meals out and 2 (separate) nights away without her in that time, but otherwise that’s it for couple time. DH is one of the good ones though, and we give each other a break/ are happy for the other to have the odd night away etc so it’s not like I never get breaks.

It is a very different parenting experience from some friends though, whose parents look after their children before/ after school, overnight one night each weekend etc. But I knew not to expect that, and know we’re still luckier than most,

Hope you’re OK @AliasGrape ? We were on threads together years ago with our Covid babies - how are they 6 / nearly 6? Anyway …

Hello! 👋

Yes all good here thanks, hope you’re ok too! I can’t believe where the time has gone

I disagree. No one is entitled to help, but when you move house based on the promise of support and then that support doesn’t materialise it really is upsetting.

I moved closer to my parents on the same promise. The help never materialised and I know when I move away the shit will hit the fan because it makes their life less convenient.

No she doesn't.

Can your DF help?

No he died

Is it a supportive family or a family who is constantly dumped on? I know someone like this, lives the high life on the outside she’s a loving caring mother with a wonderful extended supportive family. The reality is she dumps her kids on who ever she can, lots of guilt, pressure and putting on the spot. She once travelled to the other side of the world not sorting childcare after the first 2 nights (with me) I was then put on the spot as apparently her childcare for the following week fell through so I had her kids. Then I bumped into her mother who was apparently in hospital and couldn’t do the childcare, surprise surprise her mother wasn’t ill and knew nothing about me having the kids. I'm not even family. Myself and some of the others she’d dump on have stopped taking her kids, they now go to the next group of people she’s befriended until they have enough.

I get it op. It's rubbish. I think for me what hits home most is not the occasional childcare or the potential of a night out. We mostly get by. As much as I'd absolutely love a true rest knowing my children were with people that loved them.

For me is that no one else truly cares about my children. Knows their interests or wants to spend time with them. The responsibility is entirely on me and my husband ofcourse most of it was always going to be. But when I see grandparents picking my children's friends up from school. I hear them ask about their day or they might teach them something only they knew about a tree or nature/history. From a perspective that I can't. All the one on one time all the special interests all the skills all the hobbies all of it is down to me and my husband. The responsibility to be really careful to never have to go in to hospital because there is no back up. Paid childcare only gets you so far.

I would be a different parent with support and my children would benefit from it. I can only stretch myself so thin. I am a more anxious parent because the weight of it all is crushing.

Yes that's what I signed up for having children but when you get a glimpse into the lives of others with support. You realise they are living in a completely different world. One where their mindset is so different and lighter. They don't delay their smear test or think well its the smear test or dentist appointment this month I can't get childcare for both or they have to come with me😬 its just survival mode all the time.