People with kids: is my life actually easy compared to yours?

[WhatsyWoo]

I’m (38F) feeling too busy to keep up with life! I often tell DH (40M) that I cannot fathom how people with kids are managing. He points out that our friends with kids often have one parent who doesn’t work or works relatively little (ranging from no work, to 21hrs pw WFH). He thinks I’m being hard on myself and shouldn’t compare to others’ situations, and that we’re having a tough time. From research I just feel that our friends with kids must be far busier and it just makes me feel a bit worried that I can’t cope while we are childfree.

YANBU: I have kids and, yes, although you have a lot on your plate, honestly having kids makes life so much busier.
YABU: I have kids and your life still sounds busy/challenging. You’re being too hard on yourself - listen to DH.

For context our current circumstances are:

• TTC: three pregnancy losses over the past 15 months. 1x second trimester and 2x first trimester. The first two losses caused health issues which made me very tired (1 or 2 naps a day on weekends). Have recently turned the corner here thankfully - restarted light exercise and only napping once a weekend. Previously I had so much energy. We have no living children
• Medical: currently in 3 medical programmes - 2 recurrent miscarriage programs (1 NHS and 1 private) and also IVF. Difficult to fit around work.
• Life events: I lost my mother last year. Difficult to write about this but I mention for context as it probably adds to the emotional exhaustion. My family are handling a lot of the practicalities.
• Careers: including commutes c55hrs pw each. We can’t WFH. DH does a further 8 hours pw on his side-hustle. I do a further 5 hours pw evenings/weekend. My career is mentally demanding but very fulfilling and timing is tricky but I’m going for promotion into a C-suite role. He hates his job and it’s very draining. With the bereavements and medical issues the last year I took 3 weeks off work total.
• Home: we move house in 2 weeks (selling current home and buying new). The usual hassles there.
• Finances: fortunately we can afford nice holidays. We usually don’t work when away - though occasionally I do have to. Last year I used around 60% my leave for medical/bereavement reasons so didn’t get much time off.
• Help: cleaner monthly.
• Pets: one gorgeous doggy. 3x 15 min walks on weekdays, 1-2hrs on weekends. He goes to a dogsitter 50% of weekdays which adds a little to commute times.

That is a heck of a lot to have on your plate and I’m so sorry for your losses. Your DH is right, you’re going through a tough time.

If you can cope with all that (and you are coping, even though it’s hard and even if it doesn’t feel like it), you’ll cope fine once you actually have kids. Having kids is different, rather than easier or harder - it depends on the situation. It’s not a default “makes everything harder” - they can bring a lot of joy too.

You may find you naturally choose to (or have to) adjust your working hours and patterns once you have kids, and maternity leave may also create some breathing space to think about what you want family life to look like. Family life is busy and can be busier for some people than others, but don’t diminish what you’re coping with right now - it’s a lot. Hope things improve for you.

It does sound like you've got a lot on your plate.

The pregnancy losses, your mums death, a demanding job, moving house. They all fall into the category of "a lot".
Sometimes it's just the way life goes. You can rattle along quite contentedly for years, with not a whole lot going on, and then suddenly everything kicks off at once.

I suspect you'll start to feel better OP once the house move is all sorted. That'll be a major thing off the pile.

I think you’re underestimating the impact of the large things you’re going through.
If you were both working FT and TTC you’d probably feel busy but ok. Instead you’ve got the added impacts of grief, miscarriage, medical issues and IVF.
If you’re successful (and I truly hope you are), the IVF will stop, the miscarriage investigations won’t be forever, your house move will be done and your grief will change (not disappear). And a dc means a lot of little things that matter now won’t matter so much.

I used to worry similarly to you - we were TTC, coming to terms with it not working, going through adoption, buying a house and it felt like too much.
Then our LO came home and suddenly work didn’t matter so much. Neither did the housework. The time and impact of TTC/adoption process was out of the equation and the difference was immense.

Try not to worry about this too much. You'll
adapt

1st of all op im sorry for your losses.

2nd yes being a parent is busy but so is not being. Right now you are in the middle of major changes and limbo which doesnt help your mind set. I feel as being a parent its a different type of busy and my busy is not the same to other parents.

When you get there you will manage, there will be ups and downs and some days you will feel like you havnt sat down for a second but nothing has been done and that is okay because there will be another day where your itching to do sonthing because you have nothing to do.

I wish you all the best on your journey and never be afraid to ask for help

I'm a solicitor in the City working 50 hour+ per week. DH works full time in the civil service so slightly more normal working hours. He's home earlier but my job is more flexible. I also have significant health issues, I'm essentially in pain 24/7 and suffer with fatigue all the time.

You manage. Have a breakdown every few months but you just muddle through. Life is overall happy.

I would have married rich if I had my time again. Small kids really deplete you. And no matter how involved dad is, they really want/need their mum. Your role is very involved when they are very little, it's exhausting.

But you adapt.

I know very few families with a sahp or very part time parent any more. The few there are its where the working parent does 60+ hour weeks, travels a lot for work and does absolutely nothing at home or with kids and expects wife to exercise daily to stay trim + maintain an exhausting beauty regime.

Careers: including commutes c55hrs pw each. We can’t WFH. DH does a further 8 hours pw on his side-hustle. I do a further 5 hours pw evenings/weekend.

Well there you have it. Including commutes, your DH is doing 63 hrs a week and you are doing 60 hrs. No wonder you feel overwhelmed. Doubtless plenty of people will come on to say their work/commute is similar, but DH and I have rarely done more than 50 including commuting, and more usually a 20-30 min commute, so around 45 hrs pw.

You have a huge amount going on and I’m not surprised at all that you’re exhausted. I’m a single working parent and I don’t think I’m currently as stressed as you are but that is largely because I’m over a decade in and used to it, but also because I have flexible work (it has taken a lot to build this though) and also I’m not bereaved or dealing with any health issues (beyond perimenopause rubbish) - those things take a huge toll.

A bit of food for thought though - one thing that’s changed for me since becoming a parent is that I no longer wear exhaustion like a badge of honour. When I was childfree and working in a corporate role I was a bit like you, keen to emphasise how important my job was (it wasn’t, I’m not suggesting yours isn’t though!) and how busy I was etc. Now I’m overjoyed if I have a week with a bit of space in it!! I don’t want to over romanticise having kids, particularly to someone who is still on the journey to having them (and I wish you well with this x) but one thing they have given me is perspective. We’re all busy but there aren’t any medals for it.

Fertility treatment is way harder than being a parent. I say this as someone who went through a relatively easy process compared to you.

I will say that the treatment when you have one already is hard if you want more than one child. Less emotionally hard because the fear of not being able to have children at all was terrible. Just practically tricky because it is harder to have a nap when you are tired.

I have come to the firm conclusion in life that whoever you are and whatever you have / do, life rarely seems to be smooth and easy for anything more than brief periods. You earn lots of money like a bonus , then there’s suddenly a massive bill. You find yourself with lots of free time, then a parent is ill, or you’re consumed with your own mystery illness

Tbh some situations kids just have to fit in to and they're just there with you. And if you can't do it something has to give, usually work or side hustles

I have 2 children under 5 and both me & my husband work full time in very demanding jobs (paramedic and senior management). I find my life easy for the most part. There is no exact set of circumstances that mean it’s right to be finding things easy of hard it’s all relative to the person. I hope things look up for you soon!