People with kids: is my life actually easy compared to yours?

[WhatsyWoo]

I’m (38F) feeling too busy to keep up with life! I often tell DH (40M) that I cannot fathom how people with kids are managing. He points out that our friends with kids often have one parent who doesn’t work or works relatively little (ranging from no work, to 21hrs pw WFH). He thinks I’m being hard on myself and shouldn’t compare to others’ situations, and that we’re having a tough time. From research I just feel that our friends with kids must be far busier and it just makes me feel a bit worried that I can’t cope while we are childfree.

YANBU: I have kids and, yes, although you have a lot on your plate, honestly having kids makes life so much busier.
YABU: I have kids and your life still sounds busy/challenging. You’re being too hard on yourself - listen to DH.

For context our current circumstances are:

• TTC: three pregnancy losses over the past 15 months. 1x second trimester and 2x first trimester. The first two losses caused health issues which made me very tired (1 or 2 naps a day on weekends). Have recently turned the corner here thankfully - restarted light exercise and only napping once a weekend. Previously I had so much energy. We have no living children
• Medical: currently in 3 medical programmes - 2 recurrent miscarriage programs (1 NHS and 1 private) and also IVF. Difficult to fit around work.
• Life events: I lost my mother last year. Difficult to write about this but I mention for context as it probably adds to the emotional exhaustion. My family are handling a lot of the practicalities.
• Careers: including commutes c55hrs pw each. We can’t WFH. DH does a further 8 hours pw on his side-hustle. I do a further 5 hours pw evenings/weekend. My career is mentally demanding but very fulfilling and timing is tricky but I’m going for promotion into a C-suite role. He hates his job and it’s very draining. With the bereavements and medical issues the last year I took 3 weeks off work total.
• Home: we move house in 2 weeks (selling current home and buying new). The usual hassles there.
• Finances: fortunately we can afford nice holidays. We usually don’t work when away - though occasionally I do have to. Last year I used around 60% my leave for medical/bereavement reasons so didn’t get much time off.
• Help: cleaner monthly.
• Pets: one gorgeous doggy. 3x 15 min walks on weekdays, 1-2hrs on weekends. He goes to a dogsitter 50% of weekdays which adds a little to commute times.

It’s perfectly possible to have both of you work full time in demanding jobs and have children. It would be hard, but with more practical tasks and less emotional drain than some of your current issues. Don’t worry about it.

You have a lot on your plate and are being hard on yourself.
Good lick with your move.

You have a lot of emotional strain at the moment.
I think you are comparing apples with pears.
It varies with the age and stage of kids.
My worst time was with a toddler and new born. I can’t even remember the first 5 months of my newborns life. I was so exhausted. It was easy with only one. I napped when they did. I couldn’t do that with a toddler too.

You make it work
I have two kids and always worked FT, DH who worked incredibly long hours and barely any family support
you get organised, you plan and you manage

Lots of families don’t have a SAHM or very part time work anymore. We have one full time and one 4 days a week both in stressful jobs. 2 DCs, one referred for aSD and ADHD. I have diagnosis of both. No help. I very much struggle to keep up with life and am constantly overwhelmed.

You’ve had some stressful things going on with your health and family, I’d go with a bit of both. Kids do make everything harder, but you won’t have the medical issues ongoing which I imagine must be making your life very difficult at the moment. So I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself at this time.

I don't think you can compare your life to anyone else's, kids or not. And I also don't think it is helpful for you to do so.

Some parents have 5 kids who are a dream to parent, who eat all their greens, brush their teeth without being asked and sleep early/wakes late. Some have 1 who is a mini tornado on fire 24/7.

Your path sounds very challenging in a number of ways, so anyone suggesting they have it harder simply due to number of humans in the household needs to walk a mile in your shoes first.

What's behind that feeling and this question? It looks like you're in the midst of a shit storm of life events. Adding kids in will probably make life busier, but you're also TTC right now. Go easy on yourself, it's all relative and how you feel doesn't need comparing to how busy others might be.

Most parents I know have both parents in full time roles, WFH or otherwise. You sound busy, but pretty normal. You have fewer people to consider and juggle however than families with kids, and fewer costs, which is what makes it look easier to deal with from the outside.

If you had children you wouldn't both be doing 60 hour work weeks unless you had a nanny.

I’ve never gone PT after going back to work when having my son. DH and I have always worked full time although I do now WFH most of week as does my husband which makes school pick ups easier. You just make it work because you have to.
Emotionally you’re going through a LOT. Take it easy on yourself x

I'm sorry for your losses. It's the health issues that are sapping your energy, and possibly the commute too. It sounds like if you took away the commute you'd have a normal full time job (1.5hrs each way x 5 days = 15 hrs, thf 40 hour week?) - I changed jobs after I had kids because of this very issue.

While it is true that many parents deal with all this and more, your DH is right in the sense that it doesn't really help you to compare your life to theirs. Even if people on here tell you that your life is easy compared to theirs, that doesn't actually give you any more energy. Just look after your health and give it time. Good luck with the house move and the TTC.

It's busier but (in our case) much happier. It sounds like you've been dealing with a lot of grief which is incredibly draining. Yes if you have a baby you will be tired in a different way, but cut yourself some slack.

There's f/t and then there's 55 hours a week. Nursery doesn't cover those hours. If you use a conventional nursery they open at 8 and close at 6 so the hours will have to be cut down in some way.

Don’t compare - your life sounds very full on and you’ve a lot emotionally and it sounds very draining - it’s not helpful in any way to say others manage better or manage more, you focus on you.
If you’re wondering from a practical basis, objectively yes, I’m far busier practically and emotionally and way more sleep deprived with small kids than I was prior but everyone also has different coping skills. I remember someone saying to me recently how they were struggling with certain challenges in life (which I also have, but throw in small children and a demanding job) and while I felt frustrated initially, I realised that we also have different resources , internally and externally so comparing is futile. For me, friendships and hobbies have been the things to take a hit but it’s an informed choice!

You are comparing apples with oranges.

Yes, having children often means that you are very busy and exhausted.

That doesn’t mean that no one else in the world is allowed to be very busy and exhausted.

Its not a competition

You are doing at least two incredibly stressful things simultaneously (IVF and moving house)

Thats not really that sensible, but you’ll feel better once the house move is complete.

I hope you are paying for someone to do ALL the packing and unpacking and also paying for cleaners etc.

IVF is physically and mentally taxing. The problem is that if you are successful the reward is pregnancy, which is physically and mentally taxing, the reward for parenthood is a baby which is physically and mentally taxing… you get my point.

Basically in order to set yourself up for all of the above you need to take care of yourself in advance. Take some time off if you need it.

Sorry for your losses OP and good luck with your medical issues and IVF x

It sounds like you are just completely overwhelmed by life at the moment. Fertility treatment and baby loss is incredibly hard to process (I’ve been there!). Combined with the loss of your mum too. You are grieving and under pressure. Don’t compare yourself to anyone, just take some time to catch your breath.

Don't compare yourself, OP. Your life might be easier than some parents', it might be harder than others. You may be more emotionally equipped to deal with the hand you've been dealt, you may not. Same with other aspects eg financial or external support. There are so many factors and we are all different.

Whether your situation is objectively 'easier' or 'harder' than mine or hers, is irrelevant in the grand scheme. We aren't living each other's lives. It's not a competition. Be gentle with yourself. I wish you luck with your journey.

You have a lot on your plate with health stuff on top but until you have to juggle children, childcare, work, plus the other things you mentioned doesn’t stop you don’t know busy, parenting and working is exhausting (we had Sen on top).

think your work life balance is something to look into in the medium term, long commutes are very difficult once you have dc and are not helping you now, be kind to yourself, it’s been a tough year but make the year going forward a time to get healthier, perhaps switch jobs and only then consider ttc

We both work full time and have a 2.5year old and a 1year old, it’s a lot and I’m shattered all the time. We just have to make it work, it’s not really a choice

Your life can still be a challenge without having children.
You still feel tired, overwhelmed etc.
i have no time for the ‘you don’t know tiredness unless you have children’ lot. They can fuck off frankly!

So ease up on yourself.

This is no indication of whether you’d cope as a parent at all. I would think about how you can both make it work with hours etc though. Would there be any room for some adjustments?

Your working week alone is very heavy.
Your medical issues are not really health related in that they wouldn't be there if you weren't TTC and presumably would go away if you had a baby.

It's not that you can't cope while child free it's that you have several huge stresses all together. Bereavement, TTC and moving house on top of an unusually high working time.

I know that people work full time and have children but honestly I don't know how. I was your age when I had my first. I had nine months off work and never worked full time again. It was still tough.

You will feel better once you have moved. Consider whether your priority is your career or your family for the next few years. Managing children gets easier after five years and easier again after ten years.

Any one of those life events would be hugely emotionally taxing, but combined, I don't know how you're coping.
Bereavement, house move, trying to have a kid, and working a hellish amount of hours.

I'm childfree and work less than 30hrs a week. My peace and happiness is the priority.

I think you’re framing this wrong. Life with a child won’t be Life Now + Kids, it will be a very different life. For a start you’ll have up to a year on maternity leave to adjust to being a mother (my advice is take all the time you can, they’re only small once and it’s a big transition back into work as a parent). Your body/health will feel different and your priorities will shift.

It sounds to me that thus far in life you have been successful at the things you put your energy into (work, your relationship etc) and that you have plenty of personal resilience, eg managing the emotional devastation of losing your mum while maintaining job etc. All of this suggests you can manage the very different job of being a parent for the first time. You’d work it out as you always have done.

I think your asking this because you’re feeling physically and emotionally low after IVF and miscarriages, bereavement, and a demanding job, and I’d gently ask you to think about how you can help yourself recover and heal in the immediate future?

You’ll be an excellent mum when your time comes come, but right now your job is to look after yourself xx

Having all those various losses over a short period of time will be the biggest factor.

Yes, having children on top of full time work is busy and hectic but you can usually get into a routine of some kind and muddle through. Children go through different stages and some of those will have a bigger impact on your daily life than other stages.

I think life has its challenges with or without children and it is perfectly valid to exhausted with or without them.

I think a fear of the future is behind the question! If we’re finding it tough now, how will we cope with even more responsibility. It’s front of my mind atm - how on earth do people manage with more than this on their plate. Also a feeling of - is there something wrong with me - I am at my limit here and don’t even have living children in the mix.
We are planning for DH to take a full break from work for a while to manage the transition, if we are fortunate enough to have a baby.