People with kids: is my life actually easy compared to yours?

[WhatsyWoo]

I’m (38F) feeling too busy to keep up with life! I often tell DH (40M) that I cannot fathom how people with kids are managing. He points out that our friends with kids often have one parent who doesn’t work or works relatively little (ranging from no work, to 21hrs pw WFH). He thinks I’m being hard on myself and shouldn’t compare to others’ situations, and that we’re having a tough time. From research I just feel that our friends with kids must be far busier and it just makes me feel a bit worried that I can’t cope while we are childfree.

YANBU: I have kids and, yes, although you have a lot on your plate, honestly having kids makes life so much busier.
YABU: I have kids and your life still sounds busy/challenging. You’re being too hard on yourself - listen to DH.

For context our current circumstances are:

• TTC: three pregnancy losses over the past 15 months. 1x second trimester and 2x first trimester. The first two losses caused health issues which made me very tired (1 or 2 naps a day on weekends). Have recently turned the corner here thankfully - restarted light exercise and only napping once a weekend. Previously I had so much energy. We have no living children
• Medical: currently in 3 medical programmes - 2 recurrent miscarriage programs (1 NHS and 1 private) and also IVF. Difficult to fit around work.
• Life events: I lost my mother last year. Difficult to write about this but I mention for context as it probably adds to the emotional exhaustion. My family are handling a lot of the practicalities.
• Careers: including commutes c55hrs pw each. We can’t WFH. DH does a further 8 hours pw on his side-hustle. I do a further 5 hours pw evenings/weekend. My career is mentally demanding but very fulfilling and timing is tricky but I’m going for promotion into a C-suite role. He hates his job and it’s very draining. With the bereavements and medical issues the last year I took 3 weeks off work total.
• Home: we move house in 2 weeks (selling current home and buying new). The usual hassles there.
• Finances: fortunately we can afford nice holidays. We usually don’t work when away - though occasionally I do have to. Last year I used around 60% my leave for medical/bereavement reasons so didn’t get much time off.
• Help: cleaner monthly.
• Pets: one gorgeous doggy. 3x 15 min walks on weekdays, 1-2hrs on weekends. He goes to a dogsitter 50% of weekdays which adds a little to commute times.

I hated the TTC/IVF process with a passion. Having a child is much easier!

This sounds tough. I really hope it gets easier as DCs get a bit older. I had thought that these days, usually both parents work full time or close to that. I was surprised this wasn’t the case amongst our friends when DH went through it all last night - I reckon that’s statistically unusual.

Be kind to yourself OP, you’re going through a lot!

My commute is 30mins, so I do: 55 hours working (50 office + 5 home) + 5 hours commuting (10 hrs commuting when we move).
DH is: 48-53 hours working (incl the 8 hrs at home) plus 10-15 hrs commuting (depends on traffic).

Yes I think unconsciously forget the impact of the health issues… when realistically I’m usually in bed outside of work.

Thanks, I think I need to pay for more help generally. We have paid for removers but with us doing the packing and unpacking. I will treat us to more help going forward though, I think your message was really helpful in that regard - thank you. E.g. the garden needs work sorting out the weeds and borders - will get help for that.

Thank you so much

This is what scares me - the busy-ness taking on a whole new level! SEN must be tough and like another poster says it can be so variable depending on the child(ren) and their needs.
Commute is only 30 mins. Can’t delay TTC as I’m nearly 39 yo and have had 3 pregnancy losses.

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I hope you have come through the baby loss to find happier times.

Sorry for your losses. Please don't be hard on yourself. You've been through a lot. You will absolutely cope and manage life with a family. Remember, you only see what others share! Nobody has it all together. Wishing you all the very best.

I think realistically, unless you never want to see your child, something will have to give. Dh will get into a routine, the practicalities will be covered, but you’ll hardly see the child.

As others have said it's not really possible to compare. I think your husband's right,you are being far too hard on yourself!That's a lot on your plate, and you have been through so much with these losses. Think of it as a super bad rough patch,not a 'proven point'that you couldn't handle having kids.

I wish you all the best OP and hope you feel better v.v.soon 💐

Thank you this is helpful to read. I do need to remember that.
I think I’m also comparing myself with my future self though - if this is my limit, how do I manage with more?! Based on how I am doing in present circumstances.
Having said that, one of us will be taking a break from work if we 🙏 have a baby, which will help.

Your life sounds tough at the moment OP. IVF, health issues and bereavement is a lot. Go easy on yourself.

I didn’t vote OP because it think you’re having a really hard time. It doesn’t matter if other people are having a harder time or not.

I also think that someone could also go through the things you’ve listed whilst also having children to care for - losses, secondary infertility etc.. But it isn’t a contest.

A therapist literally said to me ‘If you were in hospital and had lost a leg, but the person in the next bed had 2 legs would that mean I couldn’t feel sad about loosing your leg?’

Day to day life with kids when everyone is fit and well is probably easier than what you’re going through. But life with kids is just profoundly different to life without. Different doesn’t always mean easier or harder.

You sound emotionally exhausted. You have had to deal with multiple issues that are known to be most stressful inducing like losing your Mum. Never underestimate how that affects you even years later. Infertility is also very stressful. Moving house is one of the top stressors. It sounds like you need a month away from everything with no phone or internet relaxing on a lovely beach somewhere out of the way. You are dealing with too much imho.

Stress can be FAR more tiring than the busy, physical work with kids. Having kids can wear you out, but it's not the same sort of tired as worry and stress gives you. You get a bit of both with children, but mostly they give you back energy and love. I can usually find ways to enjoy my kids everyday, even when times have been hard or upsetting, and still do even now that two of them are big, hairy men!

I wish you the best of luck with ttc. I had my third "surprise" baby when i was almost 40. The pregnancy and birth were no harder than when i was in my 20s, yes i was physically a bit more tired, but in many ways i was a better parent. I wasn't trying to 'do it all', i was more appreciative of what i had, and i spent my time focussing on what was really important, rather than chasing my tail. It was a far more rewarding parenting experience. Best wishes to you xx

I’d say physically yes my life is harder than yours. I’m a single Mum to two young children and manage the house, sleepless nights etc while holding down a full time job. I am physically knackered all of the time and yearn for a rest.

However, I have been where you are. Multiple cycles of IVF. Multiple miscarriages, including first and second trimester. Trying to hold down a job… and that was without the pain you must be going through from losing your Mum. So emotionally you are understandably depleted because I remember the sadness I carried for years not knowing if I’d ever bring a child home. Please take some time for you, and I know it’s easy to say, but don’t use your annual leave to take a mental health break. This is what sickness policies exist for.

Wishing you well 🩷

Thanks for this and the encouragement which gives me confidence.
And yes - cannot wait to move - definitely feel hopeful that I will feel better then.
The biggest health impact was from the first pregnancy loss - second trimester delivery at hospital, knocked me for six, with blood loss then there were retained products requiring a surgery (D&C) followed by an infection from surgery. Then adhesions and a hysteroscopy and the list just goes on like that. In amongst two further pregnancy losses.
That’s been the issue more so than the medical appointments and ‘admin’ (doesn’t feel like the right word) around recurrent miscarriage testing and IVF, which are emotionally stressful but physically/healthwise OK.

Thanks that made me feel quite emotional. I think you hit the nail on the head, I need to stop seeing this as evidence that I’m not cut out to be a mum. XX

You've had an emotionally draining time, it's no wonder you are exhausted. Are you considering stopping the IVF? You can have a fufilling, worthwhile and rewarding life without children.

Kids are tiring because of the sleep disruption but also because the unpaid work increases, that's why people reduce their working hours when they have kids or employ people, they aren't doing less work, it's just because the work shifts from paid to unpaid work. DH and I both went to four days a week when the DC were small, then both did two short days a week when they were at primary school before returning to FT work when DC3 started secondary. Kids went to nursery then wrap around care and we got a cleaner. But we still had more laundry, food prep, taxiing to activities and events, tidying (because more people in a bigger house), gardening. Even things that should be fun like days out, birthdays and Christmas come with more work. So your life has to change, the baby isn't an addition to what you currently do, it's at least partially instead of what you currently do.

But look after yourself, losing your Mum and having the crazy hormones associated with IVF is really hard. Good luck whatever you decide.

I’m in a similar place and I can tell you that your mind is doing this to try and make you feel like if things dont work out it’ll be ok, it’s tricking you into thinking you would find children too hard. Reality is you would be fine . Good luck with your treatment and ivf

Op I have 4 kids but the stress alone of what ye are both going through. Never compare, my life is chaotic, exhausting and now sad (mum health stuff and because of work and kids don’t get to her, also missing out on my kids because I work every weekend), but We all have our shit. Giant huge hugs to you, give yourself a break xxxxx

You just adapt. I was stressed and busy at work before kids; i was stressed and busy after. But with less sleep.

It was ridiculously hard work for about 8-10 years, but we're through it now. I went .9 for a while, so I could actually do my job effectively(teacher). I look back and wonder how we did it. Probably by letting lots of stuff slide.

Yeah your life is easier because unless you give up work, your life with kids is all of your life now plus children. So you need to throw in several years of sleepless nights, very expensive nursery fees, and reduce the time you have for yourself as this will be time you give to your children. Then holiday wise, you can still go on holidays but you won’t be able to relax on them for a good few years.

So yeah I’d say your life is easier. That’s not to say it is easy. Just less hard.

Before children I felt I couldn't cope with life stress, felt the same after 1st, 2nd and now still feel I barely cope after 3rd child. I think you adapt to your life circumstances.

All 3 kids lives are perfect, clean ironed clothes every day, bathed / showered once or twice daily, school / kids clubs ontime, 5 fruits and veg a day etc etc .... me, I look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards and my personal life admin is a mess..

You are perfectly within your rights to feel how you feel! x