People with kids: is my life actually easy compared to yours?

[WhatsyWoo]

I’m (38F) feeling too busy to keep up with life! I often tell DH (40M) that I cannot fathom how people with kids are managing. He points out that our friends with kids often have one parent who doesn’t work or works relatively little (ranging from no work, to 21hrs pw WFH). He thinks I’m being hard on myself and shouldn’t compare to others’ situations, and that we’re having a tough time. From research I just feel that our friends with kids must be far busier and it just makes me feel a bit worried that I can’t cope while we are childfree.

YANBU: I have kids and, yes, although you have a lot on your plate, honestly having kids makes life so much busier.
YABU: I have kids and your life still sounds busy/challenging. You’re being too hard on yourself - listen to DH.

For context our current circumstances are:

• TTC: three pregnancy losses over the past 15 months. 1x second trimester and 2x first trimester. The first two losses caused health issues which made me very tired (1 or 2 naps a day on weekends). Have recently turned the corner here thankfully - restarted light exercise and only napping once a weekend. Previously I had so much energy. We have no living children
• Medical: currently in 3 medical programmes - 2 recurrent miscarriage programs (1 NHS and 1 private) and also IVF. Difficult to fit around work.
• Life events: I lost my mother last year. Difficult to write about this but I mention for context as it probably adds to the emotional exhaustion. My family are handling a lot of the practicalities.
• Careers: including commutes c55hrs pw each. We can’t WFH. DH does a further 8 hours pw on his side-hustle. I do a further 5 hours pw evenings/weekend. My career is mentally demanding but very fulfilling and timing is tricky but I’m going for promotion into a C-suite role. He hates his job and it’s very draining. With the bereavements and medical issues the last year I took 3 weeks off work total.
• Home: we move house in 2 weeks (selling current home and buying new). The usual hassles there.
• Finances: fortunately we can afford nice holidays. We usually don’t work when away - though occasionally I do have to. Last year I used around 60% my leave for medical/bereavement reasons so didn’t get much time off.
• Help: cleaner monthly.
• Pets: one gorgeous doggy. 3x 15 min walks on weekdays, 1-2hrs on weekends. He goes to a dogsitter 50% of weekdays which adds a little to commute times.

Yes the plan if we have a baby (🙏) would be:

• maternity leave 6 to 12 months - depending on how baby is doing and financial pressures. I have a good salary but don’t get maternity pay.
• after that, DH take a work break to be primary carer
• I would return full time but organise a degree of WFH - maybe 1 day per week. I think WFH helps massively. No commute, could see the baby during the day, perhaps see DH for a lunch break, nice start to the weekend, etc.

Ideally we’d have another baby, though that sounds crazy considering the losses so far. But mentioning since it plays into the plan above re DH taking a work break.

Gosh that’s an interesting thought. And then in ten years you realise it was a coping mechanism and the next wave of grief gets you…

I would disagree because as far as I can see from the OP it’s not really her work that is causing her stress and worry. It’s the fertility journey and house move, and those are temporary issues.

OP children bring stress, worry and lots of work. They also bring great joy and fun.

If you have children you will have to make some changes to your life. Everyone does.

The fact that you are finding things difficult now is entirely irrelevant to how you will find things of you have children. Be kinder to yourself.

Being a Mother doesn't take magical powers or unobtainable qualifications.

In my experience the things you worry about before having kids turn out to be absolutely wrong things! 😆

Don't underestimate the mental exhaustion of ttc. Tiredness and busyness are subjective. I remember being exhausted during covid when I was able to sleep as much as I wanted. I have had busy times when I've felt I haven't had a spare moment but I've been happy and fulfilled and energetic.

I'm curious why you are asking, are you reconsidering ttc? I think follow your heart. Your partner may be able to reduce hours, you will find a way if not. The day to day management can get ironed out during mat leave, don't overthink that now. Also if ttc is tricky I'm guessing you are looking at one child only? You can absolutely manage with one because everything is just a phase. The first year back at work is the toughest but even that depends on your baby. You could be one of those couples that put baby down at 7.30pm and enjoy dinner together every night and then have a good 8 hours themselves before getting up. Life must be a dream for them. Or you could have a poor sleeper and feel like the walking dead with your marriage and MH crumbling...but that too will pass. Most likely you will be somewhere in the middle with some better and worse phases. Don't let other parents negative experiences put you off if your heart wants to ttc. Good luck to you and DP

Not reconsidering it at all. I’m just confused about how people cope and how would we cope with anything else (let alone kids) on top of the current list. That doesn’t put either of us off it, we really want children. Being totally honest - ideally more than one, though I feel greedy saying that when one would be a miracle.

It's pointless to compare lives, and we normally make time (just about) for all the things we have to do and want to do.

Some people with kids think they are the only ones that can get tired. Obviously this is ridiculous. Some people without kids think parents have it easy, they don't work/hardly work and just sit around playing all day, unlike the child free who have important careers. (Kind of sounds like what your dh was saying). Obviously this is also ridiculous.

Just getting started on the IVF - all three pregnancies were conceived naturally. We had two egg collection rounds so far on account of my age we thought that was sensible. We will soon do an IVF transfer in order to transfer a PGTA tested embryo to help reduce chance of miscarriage.

My life is much busier and I’ve very little free time since having kids but I wouldn’t say it’s “harder “ than your life . I had a tough time conceiving my second and also had ivf and one late miscarriage . It’s not easy at all to go through all that. Had my second at 38. I hope you get some good news soon.

This puts a whole different light on it.
If you have a baby it won't be "how you feel now" plus a baby. It will be six to 12 months with 60 hours a week more time.
After you return to work your DH will be a SAHP so presumably taking on lots more than just childcare.

My advice is to park these fears and just get moved. It will seem better then.

I don’t think it’s useful to compare yourself to other people. As people have different levels of resilience and tolerance towards stress. My cousin seems to make and attract a lot of stress and powers through it like she thrives on it! I do not deal well with stress so make sure I’m focused on one thing at a time e.g moving house and nothing else can occur close to it like holiday or hosting nor attending an event. I’ve rescheduled a new bathroom installation for next year as my dad has an operation which is likely to go wrong 50/50. That way I can care for him and arrange a suitable care home this year. I try to arrange holidays during the summer holidays so I have time to get everything ready for it, without rushing about doing the school run. I try to tag all appointments at the end of the school day, so that it doesn’t eat into the weekends. I work part time hours to fit in the school run, dog walks also appointments. If you are overwhelmed by life and feeling stressed then it won’t help with pregnancy. You could leave it until you’ve completed the house move and your mothers matters are dealt with.

You can't compare. You have a lot on and much of it very stressful. Go easy on yourself and don't worry about anyone else's life!

I am in awe of people who mix full time work, a social life and having children. I can just about manage my work and personal admin and it’s just me!

Also in awe!

Don’t feel like I can put off TTC, nearly 39yo and have had 3 pregnancy losses

Physically like practical workload wise. You don't really have alot going on. You are just two working people with a house and a pet, and you even have a cleaner. No I don't think you DO as much as people who have kids. But fertility issues, pregnancy losses and losing a parent takes a toll. Your ability to handle life is lower. You're carrying emotional weight everywhere you go.

And the thing is, once you have kids, you can't give them back, you just have to cope, it's not a choice.

I have two kids and I am heavily pregnant, we have just moved house. I am exhausted, absolutely dead on my feet from the moment I wake. There is no option to nap at all. I can't call in sick. I just have to drag myself about and carry on.

But it's not a competition, you can struggle with what's on your plate even if someone else has more on theirs.

"Saying you can't be depressed because someone else has it worse is like saying you can't be happy because someone else has it better"

Ds1 and DIL have two under two. He works full time and DIL wfh. She juggles the little ones whilst on her laptop. Hard work but doable.

Don't put TTC on hold. You will just adapt, and it will eventually just feel like the new norm.

It’s hard to compare overall.

on paper I should have a stressful/busy life - single parent working full time in a senior role. Also have a dog and a fairly large house so a lot of housework (and high bills).

if you compare that to someone in a relationship with no children (yet 🤞) 2 incomes and 2 people to split chores it would sound like my life is busier/streasful.

however, when you’ve added all the additional context, I think you’re being extremely hard on yourself. You have a lot going on to factor in and various that will have significantly impacted you both physically and mentally. No wonder you feel exhausted.

me on the other hand - my job is pretty manageable (so much easier and laidback compared to similar roles elsewhere). I do hybrid working and my Dd is 12 so becoming more independent and has started helping out and walking our dog alone. Luckily I’m relatively healthy (touch wood) and haven’t experienced anything traumatic or any losses in recent years (touch wood again!!). I wanted to be a mum for years and feel so fortunate to have had my Dd before my marriage ended. In a bit of a corny way, I feel like I’ve got a good lifestyle with my Dd and am very content.

I think emotional wellbeing will be playing a massive part in how you’re feeling and you should be much kinder to yourself x

The main thing that stands out before everything else, is you work a lot, so it's really not surprising if you are exhausted!

For context, ONS classes anything over 30hrs a week as full time, so you are both essentially working 2 full time jobs plus commute, before any of your other stuff.

I also don't understand why you took most of your annual leave because of bereavement/illness? Surely that's literally what bereavement and sickness leave is for? If you're aiming for C suite you aren't exactly modelling a health work life balance for everyone under you. Be the change you want to see, etc. It's possible your junior staff are dealing with everything you are PLUS kids.

isn't to say your life is less difficult because you don't have them, you clearly have a lot on and your DH is right to say give yourself a break. A proper switched off holiday would probably do you the world of good.

You aren't comparing like with like. You have health issues, family bereavement, very demanding job so yes that's hard. Add in a child or 2 that's guaranteed harder BUT take away the health issues and recover slightly from grief then that might be easier then even with children.

I work 4 days in very demanding job, have elderly parents and all the problems that starts to bring, including recent loss, no health issues except being peri. When my dc and dh were away with family this summer it was sooo relaxing it was boring! It's amazing how much work I do for 3 other people.

She is likely not working if she is doing childcare while working

It’s all relative, so there’s no way you should give yourself a hard time. You’re allowed to feel busy and tired.

But yes, I’ve ‘handled’ all your bullet points in one go on top of having twins. Am I superwoman? No. Just clawing it together. And both DH work full time.

Honestly most peoples lives are harder than mine these days because I have a lot of family support and my husband pulls his weight (arguably more than me). My life pre kids was objectively much harder but I grew up very poor and was poor for a while. I’ve struggled enough lol. Having kids makes it busier but genuinely my pre children life wasn’t as busy but being impoverished is hard and a total pain in the arse.

With your husband taking a break you would manage. He would take over running the house/childcare and you would help with those bits on the weekend.

We have two kids. Husband works away 3 days a week and on the two days he’s at home the kids are in nursery and I work (I’m a nurse so can’t drop off etc because of shift hours.) It is hard on him because he has a very demanding job so I try to keep all the household stuff going/food
shop etc. We have a cleaner fortnightly. We outsource (occasional gardener/handyman etc) as much as we can so we haemorrhage money atm but once they start school it should be better and it’s only temporary!

She manages about 4 hours a day which is what she is paid for. It’s her brother’s company so she’s very fortunate.