AIBU to hesitate over helping my nine-year-old remove her leg hair?

[AnxiousPixie]

Hoping to lean into the collective hive mind please!

My daughter has very dark hair, it is very visible on her arms and legs. Aged 9. Not so much that I think there is any medical issues, but enough for others to notice.

I don't want her to feel like she has to modify her body in any way to fit in. I've always had light hair so it's not something I've ever had to deal with. Although I do shave my legs and she knows that.

Others, at school, have started to point it out to her. Not massive bullying but 'urgh, look how hairy your legs are!' kind of comments.

She finds it hard enough to make friends as it is. She doesn't like to wear tights or trousers.

She has already asked me to help her shave it off as she doesn't like the comments at school. She's even asked a TA about it who apparently said 'your mum should really help you do something about that.' (I have spoken to school but am also taking it with a pinch of salt as she may well be exaggerating to try and convince me!) I've moved all the razors out of reach so she can't hurt herself.

So, here's my dilemma....

YANBU - I should support my daughter to be herself, not start modifying her appearance at such a young age and support her to stand up to the criticism.

YANBU - school is hard enough for kids, if she is asking for help to get rid of the hair, help her.

I have asked a number of friends and got both sides so I thought I'd ask the hive mind!

I wouldn’t encourage shaving but I would definitely get her waxed if you feel comfortable in doing so. I don’t get this age thing with hair and what’s acceptable and what’s not it’s personal choice and personal parenting choice in your case. My dd got hold of my razor when she was about that age and did it herself gave herself a nasty cut so now she waxes and that works for her.

I'd get an electric razor. Safe, quick and painless.

I would help her by giving her a basic battery operated razor - safer than a blade and easy to use. I bought one for my DD’s once they reached 11/12 (both blonde and later developers) but I wouldn’t have hesitated in buying younger in your circumstances

Of course it isn't.....but it's the bullies with the problem and who should be making changes, not the OPs child.

Yes, let’s make an unhappy nine year old the responsible for changing the behaviour of other children. I don’t see why this nine year old shouldn’t solve a problem that has plagued children forever and ever with a simple plan set out by @Anon501178

What should she do, to change these bullies @Anon501178

It's not her responsibility! But it is that of the school if that is where it is taking place.As I said before, you could go on forever, as kids get bullied for all sorts of things.Should a child dye their hair because they are bullied for the colour? Get a different school bag because the bullies call it babyish or unfashionable?
Have to buy a branded pair of trainers because if they don't the bullies will mock them or accuse them of not fitting in?

What are we teaching kids if when someone else tells them they have a problem with their appearance, we feel pressured to rush and 'fix' or 'change' it.

I'm sure most of us wouldn't shave our legs, armpit hair etc if we desired not to but a partner or someone else tried to pressure us to do so? But if we instill in our kids that sort of attitude, they will struggle as they get older with feeling insecure about having to fit in to please others.

I would absolutely let her. Kids are absolutely awful and I had it first hand. I had body hair and started my period at 9, kids were relentless. I have thick, dark hair in my arms and legs. i remember the first time I shaved my legs using a blunt razor and shaving foam and I had a horrid reaction. Mum prepared me for everything other than the shaving! After that she got me my own things for shaving and showed me how to do it safely, I remember she apologised for not being there when I did it myself bless her.

I ended up with chemical burns from the spray stuff.

As a kid with dark ark and leg hair I’d help her. Epilators do hurt and as they cause ingrown hairs I only ever use them before holiday (I can’t get legs waxed due to eczema and hydrocortisone use which had thinned my skin). I shaved from about the age of 10, for my arms I bleach the hair with Jolen as they look really masculine with thick dark hair.

I was in the same boat with my daughter oo. I’m quite light haired but my daughter has very dark leg hair and lots of it. Her dad is very dark and hairy (which I love!). She asked about shaving it off at 8/9 too because of teasing (they also took the piss out of her thick monobrow as well, kids are so cruel). I bought her a very safe Venus shaver with the built in gel, plus some girly shaving gel. It made her so much more confident. Also allowed her to have her eyebrows threaded from yr7.

funnily enough, my hairy legged monobrowed monkey has grown up into a real beauty. I sometimes smile when I think about the mean girls and hope they look at her now and both remember and regret their cruel comments.

Epilation is painful!
I wouldn’t recommend that for a child

What? It has not plagued children for ever and ever! It's a totally engineered situation that tells girls that having body hair is unfeminine despite their feminine bodies growing it! All female bodies grow hair and then it was decided we have to pretend it doesn't & allow bullies to dictate what's happening with our kids bodies.

I got no end of shit for being flat-chested at school, should my parents have paid for padded bras or implants?

The feminist is me is horrified by this thread

This.
And OP is BU for using phrases like lean into the collective hive mind 🤦‍♀️🤣

Just ask for opinions, fgs.

Not an ad as I paid for it myself! But I bought this for under my arms as I have a scar that is hard to shave around
anyway it’s great, doesn’t pull hair, looks cute (it’s tiny!) and works really well if you wanted something easy to use. I think it’s pretty much impossible to cut yourself with
https://amzn.eu/d/0fBLCD0T

I had hairy legs and was very embarrassed about it to the point I wouldn't wear anything but jeans, even on the beach on holiday, because my mum said not to shave.

So you remove your own leg hair but think your nine year old child should be the one to “stand up to the criticism”!?

Of course you help her get rid of it if that’s what she wants.

Veet is what my mum got me when I was 9 😊 so much easier and no cuts I still use it

I'm the hairiest woman I know and was teased for it as well in school. I think I started shaving with a razor I found at home around age 12.

My dd has quite a bit of upper lip hair as well and kids do point it out. I've told her it's entirely up to her but if the hair upsets her there are many ways of removing it. I don't want her to start thinking it's a massive problem with no good solution.

Of course ideally I wish we lived in a society where no one, especially young kids get teased for their appearance and I too don't want DD to think she needs to put an effort into changing her appearance to please others but at the same time I also don't think that i should use her to make a point ( not saying you are doing this) or be so hypocritical to insist she goes natural when I shave my unwanted hair.

Anyway the main thing I wanted to say is that please don't wax or epilate. Both are extremely painful and especially for waxing you need to let the hair grow to a certain length before you can wax it so it kind of defeats the purpose. I have pretty much tried every form of hair removal and I think shaving is the easiest, quickest, safest and it's pain free. I think men's razors work better than women's. I use Gillette fusion with 5 blades and Gillette satin gel for women though any shaving gel will do.

When she's an adult she can try a more permanent method like laser hair removal which has worked wonders on certain parts of my body (eg my upper lip) especially if she has light skin and dark hair.

Also to add do let the school now. It probably won't help but they should try to teach kids not to comment on other people's appearance.

Thanks for the update I didn't know hairy legs was a requirement to being a feminist? 😂😂😂

My friend at school hsd this problem. Her mum was a nurse she used to bleach her arm hair and she bleached then shaved her leg hair. School.can be vdry cruel and once kids get in their heads about something they can be awful. There were a couple of girls with dark hair too, but they were a bit more confident and the bullies largely left them alone.

Just going off on a tangent but a woman or girl being hairy still seems to be one of the few things it's ok to officially make fun of. Why is that? I was quite shocked to read something in a Tom gates book (which my daughter loves) about a female teacher with a moustache. Shame on you Liz Pichon.

Help your daughter. Mine has been upset by her leg hair and I shave it for her. I did start off with the ‘you don’t need to change etc’ but that was about me and not her. She absolutely hates her legs when they’re hairy and part of it is down to the feel, part of it is that she’s much hairier and darker than lots of her friends. It will achieve nothing to make her miserable and tough if out.

Honestly, i'd help her remove it (and do with my 9 year old).

Its not a big deal.

Please do help her. I inherited my dad's very dark hair and hairiness. My mother, and she was a great mother in many respects, was hopeless about this being on the much less hairy end of the spectrum and kept going on about once you started shaving you had to keep on going. The teasing and name calling was incredibly awful. I suppose it was character building but I was deeply deeply unhappy. My life revolved around keeping my legs out of view as much as possible - and our school uniform was a skirt so that was very difficult. Frankly I am still traumatised decades later, I eventually got a spine and just started shaving them myself As a teenager I graduated to DIY leg waxing because we couldn't have afforded to have it done professionally.

Waxing forearms is quite painful so, if your daughter is light skinned, using a cream bleach lets it blend in with the skin and makes it look less obvious. (It doesn't work well with olive skin.) Again as a broke teenager I experimented with a noxious but surprisingly effective concoction involving peroxide, ammonia and soap flakes to bleach my arm hair. I suggest a professional cream bleach rather than dangerous chemistry experiments.

Having tried virtually every method of hair removal - waxing never decreased the hair growth despite what people are rabbiting on about and I got a lot of ingrown hairs despite heavy duty exfoliation. I even tried something which involved sanding off the hair with what was, in effect fine ,sandpaper - that was a commercial product - and my doubts about using it enough to remove the hair and leave the skin were well founded. Eventually technology moved on and I bought a home IPL machine. It was life changing - no more hours and hours of hair removal. I think I would move towards that when she is older. I am probably the most hair free person I know now.

I have sons and yes they are just as hairy as my dad was and its quite unfair that they never have to give it a second thought but we don't live in an ideal world. We have to deal with the situation we have and your daughter keeping the arm and leg hair is not going to right the quite unfair expectations on women. It is just going to make her unhappy.

My daughter had a similar situation. She was still really tiny so I got her an electric shaver. Now she’s 13 she’s far less bothered on holidays and such. I would far rather get her something safe and age appropriate than push her to figure it out herself. And I’d really want to encourage her instinct to come to you for help - these are the really important years coming up and you want her to know you’re on her side.