AIBU to hesitate over helping my nine-year-old remove her leg hair?

[AnxiousPixie]

Hoping to lean into the collective hive mind please!

My daughter has very dark hair, it is very visible on her arms and legs. Aged 9. Not so much that I think there is any medical issues, but enough for others to notice.

I don't want her to feel like she has to modify her body in any way to fit in. I've always had light hair so it's not something I've ever had to deal with. Although I do shave my legs and she knows that.

Others, at school, have started to point it out to her. Not massive bullying but 'urgh, look how hairy your legs are!' kind of comments.

She finds it hard enough to make friends as it is. She doesn't like to wear tights or trousers.

She has already asked me to help her shave it off as she doesn't like the comments at school. She's even asked a TA about it who apparently said 'your mum should really help you do something about that.' (I have spoken to school but am also taking it with a pinch of salt as she may well be exaggerating to try and convince me!) I've moved all the razors out of reach so she can't hurt herself.

So, here's my dilemma....

YANBU - I should support my daughter to be herself, not start modifying her appearance at such a young age and support her to stand up to the criticism.

YANBU - school is hard enough for kids, if she is asking for help to get rid of the hair, help her.

I have asked a number of friends and got both sides so I thought I'd ask the hive mind!

Yes, wouldn’t it be lovely if the world was all hearts and unicorns, but it’s not and kids can be arseholes.

I’ve had three children of my own and worked in primary and secondary schools.

You do what you can to help your child.

I would let her do it.

I’ve noticed that my 9 year olds legs are dark and hairy. I would never mention it to her, but when she comes to me saying people are commenting on it and asks to remove the hair, I will definitely be supportive and teach her how to shave.

No way could I let her go into school knowing people are going to make fun of her when it’s something that could easily be resolved.

If you can afford it, laser. Longer lasting, doesn't hurt. You should do it to prevent bullying. Think of it like teeth correction.

My guess is that the TA said something like "that's something you need to ask your mum to help you with" - meaning, I can't help with that.

I get as annoyed about female beauty standards as anyone but I'd help my DD remove her hair. Probably not with a razor but with cream: at her age, the results will probably last a while. You might want to prepare her for other kids noticing that it's gone, like practicing something neutral to say: "I didn't like it so my mum helped me remove it." Followed by, "it's weird you're so interested in my body" if they don't stop.

Please @AnxiousPixie just buy an electric shaver if you're worried about razors. If you don't your daughter will end up trying to sort it by herself. Leg hair is not a feminist hill to die on its leg hair and everyone is entitled to their own feelings about it. I don't care what anyone else does but i don't want leg or underarm hair so I get rid of it. As a child of similar age to yours i remember my dad complaining his razors weren't staying as sharp as they used to duh. I didn't have the kid if relationship ship where i could talk to my parents about things like this, you do so respect her feelings or you risk losing it.

My child’s best friend has noticed her body hair & is comparing it to others. She’ll say that one girl has smooth skin, why doesn’t she? Then she’ll point out another girl who has lots of arm hair but also dark skin so you can’t see it. She is fair-skinned with noticeable body hair on her arms, legs & back.

They are only 6 & she is just asking questions for now. But this will be an issue for her sooner than later, her mum has mentioned it to me as well. it’s hard for girls as there will always be the slim, smooth, perfect girls & even if you’re not that girl, you don’t want to be the hairy girl either! It starts so young now, too…

Epilation hurts. She's only nine.

There are lots of hair removal creams you could try. Gentle to remove and won't make the hair come back jagged from shaving.

An electric shaver is the best option if you jointly decide on shaving so she doesn't cut herself.

I have blonde body hair but had a lot of it and I remember being around ten, stealing my mum’s razor out of the bin to do my legs, and making a mess of it. Because I wasn’t allowed to decide what I wanted. Just let her remove the hair. Wax strips are probably best as the result will last longer and she won’t get into the cycle of shaving/dark stubble.

It’s not just now.

20 odd years ago when I was first working as a school nurse in a primary, year 6 girls would come to me sobbing that they were being bullied for leg hair. Parents would say it was a “new thing” then too and say it was the fault of magazines.

I am 47 and I was bullied mercilessly for body hair back when I was 10/11/12 - I am sure my parents would have said it was a new thing.

When I see it in school now, parents blame it on TikTok and sales of beauty products.

Every generation always says things like this are “new”. It’s not. Children will pick on anything they can, especially something visible like leg hair.

Is there an age restriction on laser? I have a home IPL thing which is kind of different but akin I guess, I’m wondering at what age I could let DD use it (if she wants to).

If she wants to remove the hair, then help her. It's her body and she should be able to choose.

Similar to the first poster, I had very dark hair and my mum was adamant I shouldn’t remove it at around 9/10 as it was too young. I was mercilessly teased for it and it really did a number on me. She eventually let me use Nair at 12 but even that was a battle.

It ruined my confidence, and I felt like boys would never like me because I was ugly and manly. I hate that this is how society works and that people will encourage these comments and feelings, but unfortunately it is what it is.

I think the kindest thing to do would be to use hair removal cream with her, at least from below the knee where her hair will be darker and more obvious. If she is already being teased it will only get worse as time goes on

This is really weird this thread has come up because I was only thinking about my experiences yesterday. So my leg hair is not dark at all. However, about 10/11 I felt really self conscious about it and asked if I could shave it. My Mum said I was too young.
I spent the next couple of years avoiding anything that would show my legs and I really feel it impacted my self confidence. I became completely obsessed with the weather forecast in the hope every day in summer that it would be “tights weather”.
My Mum was a lovely person and I think if she had known how much it impacted my confidence at that time she would have just let me shave them. However, I sometimes look back and wonder how those couple of years impacted me thought my life.
After a couple of years I just started shaving them because I was just desperate and she either didn’t notice or never said anything.
If I had a daughter I would do anything to prevent her from going through that, however, I would get an electric razor as I have a few scars from wet shaving at that age!
PS epilators just left me with loads of ingrowing hairs!

Also a lot of people are suggesting creams but I used to work for a company that made those creams and I wouldn’t want those kind of chemicals on my child’s skin.

I’d help her but tell her to only let you do it with her being young and razors sharp.
I had hairy legs and my mum turned a blind eye about it and I ended being mortified in the summer. My dd1 has hairy legs too by age 9 I’m going to be led by her. I ended up shaving mine myself with my mums razor start of secondary school and felt so much better. I know she’s young but what’s the point waiting if she’s distressed you can help her feel better

I feel this is a real dilemma. My DD is 10 and has quite light hair, has never asked fortunately. I lean towards just help her and voted yanbu. But what about if they start teasing her for her arm hair? Are you supposed to start removing that then? Facial hair? What are we saying about the role of women when we do things like this? We live in a society that tells girls they are sexual objects and that is ultimately where this teasing comes from. But equally it would feel cruel to let your child bear the brunt of fighting against it. We should all fight it on her behalf!

First thing I doubt the TA said what your daughter said she said or meant to confirm the hairiness was a problem so pleaae dont be that parent who marches up to the school on the say so of a child.
If it is that bad and your daughter is genuinely getting upset can you try waxing?

I would buy her an electric shaver. She is far more likely to be harmed by bullying.
Agree "she shouldn't have to" but dont make your 9 year old fight the patriarchy. She is not likely to have those skills.

It's perfectly acceptable to simply not like having hairy legs or pits and it not be about patriarchy. It's a personal choice it doesn't always have to be a feminist issue

Do you shave legs? If you don't then I can kind of understand where you're coming from but something like that should really be her choice.

She’s 9. She doesn’t need to help fight societies aversion to hair or the patriarchy. Get her waxed or use an electric razor. Google other methods but don’t allow her to feel bad about something so easily sorted. I was also bullied as I have the palest skin you’ve ever seen and dark hair. I’ll never forget that feeling and when my mum wouldn’t allow me to shave, I just used her razor when she wasn’t looking. She’ll find a way and it won’t be as wholesome as you discussing the issue and doing it safely.

Yes, you are right. I missed the ‘if’ from your post which changed the whole meaning really. Eats shoots and leaves and all that.

I still do not see the dilemma though and I don’t think the OP’s response to your post was very good either. The child is so unhappy that she is seeking help from adults at school.

I understand your hesitation but I'd go ahead and help her remove it. It's an easy fix and will make her feel more confident.

There'll be plenty other opportunities to learn resilience and feminism in this idiotic society we've created x

I voted yanbu before realising both options said yanbu so it was meaningless!

I would help her. My daughter and I have started using this. Much easier than shaving. https://amzn.eu/d/0hhDfkvV

Sorry saw this just now. Not that I know of, a friend of mine did this with her daughter and it'd be my choice too because results last longer, not painful, and doesn't involve sharp objects! Costly though so thats a factor.