AIBU to hesitate over helping my nine-year-old remove her leg hair?

[AnxiousPixie]

Hoping to lean into the collective hive mind please!

My daughter has very dark hair, it is very visible on her arms and legs. Aged 9. Not so much that I think there is any medical issues, but enough for others to notice.

I don't want her to feel like she has to modify her body in any way to fit in. I've always had light hair so it's not something I've ever had to deal with. Although I do shave my legs and she knows that.

Others, at school, have started to point it out to her. Not massive bullying but 'urgh, look how hairy your legs are!' kind of comments.

She finds it hard enough to make friends as it is. She doesn't like to wear tights or trousers.

She has already asked me to help her shave it off as she doesn't like the comments at school. She's even asked a TA about it who apparently said 'your mum should really help you do something about that.' (I have spoken to school but am also taking it with a pinch of salt as she may well be exaggerating to try and convince me!) I've moved all the razors out of reach so she can't hurt herself.

So, here's my dilemma....

YANBU - I should support my daughter to be herself, not start modifying her appearance at such a young age and support her to stand up to the criticism.

YANBU - school is hard enough for kids, if she is asking for help to get rid of the hair, help her.

I have asked a number of friends and got both sides so I thought I'd ask the hive mind!

Yes! Please help her shave her legs but leave her arm hair.

Veet do a spray can hair remover that is quick and effective. It is much easier than using a razor. Sadly your DD could be bullied. Help her without a doubt.

Get a rechargeable lady shaver with side trimmers. Painless and safe. I do not recommend an epilator. The one I had was fucking vicious. I used it to get rid of DH's light back hair once, at his request. All ripped out with the white root still on and them buggers stuck to everything. Looked like he'd been pecked to death by a field of chickens, specks of blood all over. I didn't fair much better on myself. We both fell about laughing at how painful it was. It never came out again and got binned eventually.

I hadn't thought about electric razor. I think that might be the way to go. I'll sit with her later and go through it all so she can feel confident about going back to school.

Start with hair removal cream, that's what my DD did when she decided she didn't want hairy legs any more.
She then started getting waxed at 13 - legs and underarms.
I has really dark hairs and regretted starting shaving because they look so.much worse when they grow but didn't know better, but I do with DD which is why I'll encourage her to never shave, she doesn't mind waxing, it's actually the only time she holds my hand these days 😆

Yes this is how I read the TA's comment as well.

This is clearly really distressing your daughter, just let her shave her legs. The time for making a stand about beauty standards is not when she's 9 and being bullied. Raise her right and she'll do it for herself when she's an adult.

I have lots of obvious grey hair in my early 40s but don't feel the need to hide it as I'm as nature intended and will grow old gracefully. Your DD should not be encouraged to shave to modify her appearance for others either. She's young. Needs to be a child. She'll be shaving soon enough. Childhood is short enough already for children.

I had really dark thick hair on my arms and legs at that age. I really hated it and it was very noticeable to anyone. I was darker than anyone in my class so it stood out a mile. I think my DD will go through the same as she’s only 6 and has lots of leg hair already.

I remember my mum not being willing to help. She isn’t as dark as me so didn’t understand how bad I felt. I eventually stole my mum’s boyfriend’s razor and tried to get rid of it. Didn’t understand I needed shaving foam so dry shaved which was sore.

It would have meant a lot to me for my mum to have cared how I felt and to have helped me deal with it. But she’s a narcissistic bully so that was never going to happen! I want to do better for my DD but I’m not sure at what age I’ll need to do that. I do think 9 would be old enough though if it’s really affecting her confidence or if there’s bullying starting.

I don’t think it’s modifying her appearance or not standing up to criticism. If she wasn’t bothered about being hairy but was bothered by the comments then yes, get her to stand up for herself. But if she hates the hair and wants rid of it of her own choice then yes I’d help get rid.
Getting rid of my body hair a little younger than others hasn’t caused me to modify anything else about my body, the only other thing I’ve ever done is pluck my eyebrows. I don’t think it’s the same as eg allowing makeup.

To those who don’t understand why its dilemma… if no one made comments to OPs daughter about leg hair, OP wouldn’t need to help her daughter remove it or suggest.

OP probably feels like removing the leg hair cements the fact that it is disgusting and the bullies are right…. and maybe it’s sets precedence?

I agree she should support by the way I’m just saying that’s why it’s a dilemma.

I think you are being weirdly controlling here!

if the child hadn’t asked to shave her legs, then yes of course it would be wrong for you to suggest she did so. That would be imposing your standards of female perfection on her. But that isn’t what’s happened here - the request has come from her. Yes she’s conforming to peer pressure but we all do this to some extent - that’s how fashion works for a start.

Do you also decide her hairstyle for her. Whether she’s “allowed” to tie her hair back and whether that’s a pony tail or a plait? Do you choose what she wears every day? Whether she decides to wear pink knickers or blue ones? Will you stop her wearing a bra until some arbitrary age whatever the size of her chest because “11 year olds don’t need a bra” even if she’s a B cup by then?

The kid isn’t asking for a tattoo or a lip piercing. This is inconsequential stuff. If she decides as an adult that she doesn’t want to conform with these standards, the hair will grow back as if nothing has happened. Just buy her a little electric shaver and give her some privacy and some autonomy. You can’t stop her growing up. You can help her reduce one of the triggers for bullying. Why would you not want to do that?

Definitely help her. If she struggles anyway with friendships then don't make things harder for her.

I wouldn't bother with hair removal cream...it's a faff. Just get her an electric shaver

I feel enraged about the bullying kids. She shouldn't have to change.
And yet, cut myself on my leg so badly the first time I used a razor it took decades for the scars to go.
Don't let her handle it herself.
My parents ignored my request for a razor and bought the epilator which I hated and couldn't use.
Be there for her, help her with a solution while she's surrounded by mean kids.

Thank you. That's exactly it, and the fact that females not having body hair is a falsehood. The bullies are only doing it cause they have been taught that females should be hairless. But, I do shave my legs so part of my dilemma is that it's hypocritical not to help her. But I didn't start shaving till well into my teens. I appreciate all the comments. It's definitely given me the good foundations for a good conversation with her about pros and cons and methods. I'll do that and help her with what she decides. She is a mature 9 so im sure she is capable to do that. Thanks everyone.

But she says ‘others at school have started to point it out to her’.

Are you saying that they might have been pointing it out in an admiring fashion?

Suprised by the responses on this thread....I really don't think a 9 year old should be going anywhere near a razor! And they can cause nasty little nicks and cuts even if used correctly.
And surely hair removal creams and waxes aren't suitable for children's skin!
I get it must be awful seeing her picked on for this and her feeling rubbish about it, but she is still a little girl! She shouldn't have to be worrying with beauty routines like hair removal.
Speak to the school about the bullying and make sure they take a firm line with the bullies then hopefully it may stop.
If they were bullying her for the colour of her hair or shape of her nose, you wouldn't suggest dyeing her hair or getting cosmetic surgery....we each have our own quirks and these should be respected not fixed to please others.It doesn't sound like the leg hair bothered her til other kids mentioned it.
Sadly, as i've noticed before on other posts, mumsnet has abit of a sheep mentality about fitting in, conforming to social norms and being grown up/trendy at a young age, although i think unfortunately this is also becoming commonplace in society in general with phones, skincare etc.

Let her be little OP x

I had the same problem arise with my DD when she was 10. I bought a cream that gently bleached the hair blonde and it was much less noticeable. I taught her how to shave when she was 12 or 13. It’s hard to know what to do especially when they’re still a child but the bullying can be merciless. Good luck to you both.

No, i’m not. Not sure how you’ve got confused with what i’ve put to be honest. Read OPs reply to my comment, it’s very good.

I think that once a child becomes self conscious about this it's really hard to go back from. I'd remove it.

I would help her. It’s horrible to be bullied about it. People who say not to do it until they are older seem to be the ones who didn’t have the issue themselves and don’t know what it’s like to be your DD. Hell no to the epilator though. I use one and it’s still painful after many uses. It would probably traumatise her. I talked through all the various options with their pros and cons and started with a lady-shave for DD. In secondary she started to ask for waxing so I took her to a salon as they are faster and I preferred to pay out for someone to do it for her though I don’t pay out for myself! I told my DD from the start that when she was ready I would pay for laser and was saving for it.

If her legs are that hairy then shaving/creams will make her legs very stubbly. You need a method to weaken the hair root such as waxing/sugaring.

Help her to see that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her legs. Lots of people have dark hair and some people will always find something to comment on. But it’s also her body. If she would truly like to remove the hair, help her to do that safely. If she don’t want to, support her with her choice. That frames hair removal as a choice, not an obligation.

Either way you may need to come up with a strategy for dealing with the bullies.

My dd is the same age and is developing a monobrow. If she wants to remove it I wouldn't hesitate. I have left it up to her but she is aware that she has hair growing in different places that can be removed. I have told her to ask when or if she wants to.

If this is causing her distress it can be easily rectified. I wouldn't hesitate in the situation you describe. Find a method that works for her, do it together as she learns and then once confident allow her the autonomy. You aren't conforming to specific beauty standards, you are simply supporting your child where she has asked.

An electric shaver is the best option for now if she decides to remove the hair. It is safe, quick, and comfortable.

I was another one who was bullied mercilessly for body hair, leg abs underarm. I was never allowed to (my mum was ultra catholic and anything - from shaving legs, wearing a bra, to dancing to music was me “wanting to attract men” to her 🙄).

I don’t care about views on beauty standards, I just care that children can be absolute bastards to each other for anything they can find. As soon as my daughter wanted to shave her legs, I bought her razors and showed her how to do it.

Of course she shouldn’t HAVE to. But she wants to. She is making a conscious choice about her body. Help her do it safely FFS