To think him sending me 1k every month isn’t a solution to making this fair?

[Seeetwap]

Ex is a consultant in the nhs. He earns around 110k. Probably will earn more in future.

He is supposed to send 950 a month based on his salary (thereabouts) but he sends 1,200. He chose a job literally hours away from us after we broke up when dd was 1.

He sees dd once every couple of weeks, sometimes more if he pays for a hotel and stays nearby for some extra days. He’s good with dd when with her but obviously doesn’t do A THING in relation to DD’s care.

I also have a full time job. I work in a competitive industry and I’m struggling so much trying to keep up with everything. I’ve told him that choosing a job so far away and just throwing extra money over isn’t a solution. He point blank refuses to look for another job.

I know I can’t make him do that or make him be in Dd’s life in a fuller way. I also know I can use the money for extra childcare etc. I do know this. But the reality is it doesn’t help much as I’m still doing school runs and bedtimes and taking her to parties etc. The burden of it all on me feels so immense and I often just cry at the end of an evening.

AIBU to feel money doesn’t make up for this in the way he thinks it does? He feels that i ‘get more’ so should shut up and be happy. I am so unhappy and frustrated.

A man is 50% responsible for creating a new life, and therefore he should be 50% responsible for bringing up that child. Financially and practically.

I think some women just can’t see past ‘well you get more than me so you should stop moaning’.

So the OP should just stop moaning because other people have it worse? Is it a race to the bottom?

I know it's not your point but honestly-stash the money for a cleaner/babysitter/nanny/freezer filler/holiday club. It doesn't shift the parenting weight but it really helps with other stresses.

Well, I don’t think moaning and feeling sorry for herself is going to achieve anything tbh. I have said he sounds like a prick, but what’s she going to do? She can’t force him to step up, and her bitterness and resentment isn’t affecting him at all - it’s affecting her. As it stands, she has a fairly standard/common set up of him seeing the child EOWeekend and considerably more CMS than plenty of people out there.

My kids were both quite tricky as both SEN but now that they are young teens they contribute infinitely more to my day and life than they take away. Your ex will never know what he is missing out on. There is little point to life imho if you don’t get to raise your kids.

No it isn’t a race to the bottom but shouldering most of the load is the reality of being a single parent. The fact is that having a bit of extra money can make it easier.

The post I was responding to was about whether he is, or isn’t, a shit dad.
He is a shit dad. He sees his child every 2 weeks, has no involvement in the day to day rearing of the child and thinks that doesn’t matter because he sends money.
He’s a shit dad.

He’s still a shit dad though.

So you keep saying. If that’s your criteria for a shit parent, virtually every non resident parent is a shit parent.

This

And until we actually, as a society, stop making excuses for parents who cant be bothered to parent, or make choices that prevent them from being involved parents, then some parents will continue to be shit parents.

This man presumably had choices, and chose the best choice for himself. I will never agree that taking a job that means you only see your kid once every 2 weeks enables you to be a good parent
He likely could have made career sacrifices to stay closer to his child, since op said he chose to take the job.

Maybe she'd like more than 'vaguely acceptable' and 'semi decent'.

It is shit.

But in all honesty it could be much worse.

A friend’s ex is dr. He’s spent their whole childhood after the split trying to give as little money as possible whilst earning a ton. He kept trying to have them more often in order to do this but was utterly shit at it. And also abusive to the youngest.

Both ended up going non contact in teens . (Actually there ended up being a police order for him to stay away as he affected her so much .)

It’s so common it’s why mumsnet is still going.

You will 100% reap all the rewards later in life.

I do think either a mother’s help or counselling could help you though.

YANBU - he IS a shit dad. I had a very similar situation when mine were little. ExH moved 200 miles away for work, saw them EOW and yes gave me 1K a month but in reality that was the bare minimum on his salary according to CMS. He acted like he was such a hero and would say “most people don’t get that much”. It barely covered the childcare and I was exhausted working full time and also keeping up with the mental load and practicalities of school, parties, homework, dinner etc. It also meant everything was on me- if they were off sick, if they needed picking up early, there was noone ever to share the load because he was so far away.

Those people saying he has no choice where he works- there is always a choice. He has prioritised his career over his DC. The OP has also said he refused to get another job.

My advice is to try not to let yourself get too bitter or resentful, and surround yourself with people who can support you. I only survived those early years through a network of mum friends who offered lift shares, reciprocal play dates etc. Is there any way you can move to be closer to family?

My exh is on £80k. We have 2 children which he sees currently once every 6 weeks (with zero communication in between) and stays with them in HIS house (4 bed house he only stays in whilst having the kids) and he keeps them separate from his new family (fiancé and her son). I think he lives with her in her tax paid council house 🙄
I gave up begging him to have more contact with his kids. He’s shown his true colours over the last 8 years and as the kids get older they see it too. I’m happy to just take his money now and spend it on the kids as we’re better without out him. I’m also grateful that I can proudly look back and can never be accused of turning them against him because he did that himself.

@Seeetwap
This is going to sound heartless but this panning out the way it has doesn't suprise me rarely have I ever met a man to whom money didn't solve the "problem"
You can't make him ideally parent daughter if he doesn't want to but at least you're financially better off than most single parents who solely rely on benefits and live in totally unsuitable surroundings
He's not going to budge about anything and this may be only the start of a serious career for him
So you'll have to manage it as it comes whilst doing the best as you are now
Sorry.

Yes this.

If a couple chooses to have a child, knowing one parent is always going to have to work long hours and most of the childcare is going to fall to the other parent, it can hardly be a surprise when this is what happens.

Then they choose to separate, knowing this isn’t going to change.

I’m not entirely convinced 50/50 is what’s best for children anyway, from my own research. I believe having a residence and visitation is actually better for them in general.

So, he’s visiting, sometimes more than the “standard” and he’s financially providing more than CMS would say is fair.

I don’t think it sounds like he cares very much that this is the way it is, and so he sounds a bit of a prick, and I feel for the OP. But I can’t actually say he seems to be doing anything particularly “wrong”. It’s a broken relationship and that’s going to hurt. But expecting him to do more than he is is pointless and not doing to help the OP.

@Jaimelefromage
Ah, but we do
And in real life 50/50 is just an unattainable figure considering parenting as it truly is.
If you achieved that magical figure lucky you to have lived the fairytale......

Every non resident parent who deliberately moves so far away that they can only see their child every 2 weeks, and thinks sending money is an adequate substitution for any actual parenting is a shit parent, yes.

Am so sorry your children's father is so shit. But as someone else said, it's not a race to the bottom.
Now you've said you've been in the same position where the children have been pretty much abandoned by their father, I am even more surprised by your response. I'd have thought you would have a little understanding.

And yes you are correct, the OP does need to accept this is as good as it gets for her own mental health, but sometimes people just want to vent and also a little solidarity/sympathy may be needed.

I get where you’re coming from, but solidarity could be misinterpreted as unrealistic expectations. When she has the child, she has to do school pick ups and drop offs - this is normal.

It really sucks that it’s mostly falling to her, but she sounds like she’s expecting him to “make it fairer” and that just isn’t possible.

Not if they move for the job they’ve spent a decade training for and there’s no option. OP was very clever in the way she worded her post.

You know that there was no other option, do you?

And you know there wasn’t?

OP, this is hard.
But as others said, you can’t make him be more involved.

Absolutely see if you can get an after school babysitter to make your life easier. It is hard when you’re doing 90% of the parenting.

The sooner that you can let go of the notion that it's ever going to be fair, the less torment you'll put yourself through. It's not fair, and it's not ever going to be.

However, as your dd gets older you might realise that you only get out what you put in, and whereas he will have no relationship with his child you certainly will. Your DD will be clocking the situation, they're not daft, and you'll have a close relationship to enjoy as they get older and things aren't so relentless for you.

Hang in there. This is your story, drop any expectations of him, roll your sleeves up and tough it out for the time being, take the money, nod and wave, and use it to make your life as easy as possible.

Seek as much support as you can from other people, other mums in the same boat will understand, team up with them where you can.