To think him sending me 1k every month isn’t a solution to making this fair?

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Ex is a consultant in the nhs. He earns around 110k. Probably will earn more in future.

He is supposed to send 950 a month based on his salary (thereabouts) but he sends 1,200. He chose a job literally hours away from us after we broke up when dd was 1.

He sees dd once every couple of weeks, sometimes more if he pays for a hotel and stays nearby for some extra days. He’s good with dd when with her but obviously doesn’t do A THING in relation to DD’s care.

I also have a full time job. I work in a competitive industry and I’m struggling so much trying to keep up with everything. I’ve told him that choosing a job so far away and just throwing extra money over isn’t a solution. He point blank refuses to look for another job.

I know I can’t make him do that or make him be in Dd’s life in a fuller way. I also know I can use the money for extra childcare etc. I do know this. But the reality is it doesn’t help much as I’m still doing school runs and bedtimes and taking her to parties etc. The burden of it all on me feels so immense and I often just cry at the end of an evening.

AIBU to feel money doesn’t make up for this in the way he thinks it does? He feels that i ‘get more’ so should shut up and be happy. I am so unhappy and frustrated.

No he cannot feasibly, nor reasonably give up a job earning the amount he does so he can do a share of the school runs.
He has a contract with his employer and cannot just upsticks and rustle up a job nearby with an employer that will also cater and allow for him hours wise to do the school run.

He is good with her and sees her regularly. He gives more money towards costs.

You both chose to have a child. Your relationship floundered. The child lives with you. I dare say that was the arrangement you both came to.
You would not like it if she didn’t. Embrace what you do have. Not what will not be. Trying to encourage him to live nearer to you will not mend your old relationship.

He cannot be there at bedtimes, no. He will often be at work at evening times as well. And his employer will expect him there.

Even if you were together he would be busy and spend a good deal of his time at work. Such is the world of a consultant. Whether working for the NHS or private healthcare provider. That goes with the work. Man or woman doing it.
Only when a good deal older do they get to dictate what hours and how many clients they attend to.

You think just because he pays more he’s not a deadbeat dad ? He chose to move hours away from his child and only sees her once a fortnight - isn’t involved in her life on a daily basis and has no care responsibilities. Thinks that money will make up for it. OK then.

I understand yior frustration.

However, I think your thread is one of several that should be pinned to this board.

Too often on here, posters are advised to LTB and told that their ex will have to do parenting by themselves, will have to arrange childcare, will have to reduce their hobby, will have to buy stuff for the children to keep in their new home, will have to provide a home with enough bedrooms instead of the one bedroomed flat they might be planning on.

The reality is no man has to do any of these things.

Someone up thread said "Imagine if the OP provided that level of care, the DC would be in care."

Yes, that's true but the reality is mothers won't provide minimum care, will not walk away. That's why the old saying is a true one, women get left holding the baby.

Is that fair? No, of course not but that is the reality and I would advise everyone to bear that in mind and not get embroiled in some fantasy where the man has to do anything if he doesn't want to-apart from paying-because he doesn't have to and no-one can make him.

The other thing they can do-if they are paying a penny more than they need to-is stop paying a penny more than they need to,

Great if they pay up, stay involved but paying more than they need to and parenting is something they choose to do, not something they have to do,

I-and a great many others reading this-will know the truth of this from bitter experience.

So, OP, he's paying more. Tread carefully because they can and do stop this and as for him parenting, forget it.

If what OP says is true, he chose the job he’s in now. If it was a conscious choice to move so far away, then surely he would have known he would pretty much be sacrificing any meaningful relationship with his child and leaving OP with the bulk of day to day care.

He probably didn’t choose to at all. He went where he could work. NHS consultant posts in some specialties are like hens’ teeth. Why doesn’t OP move to where her ex lives?

This is single parenthood, the clue’s in the name. Hundreds of thousands of us have been in that position and just got on with it. An extra £300 a month buys a lot of childcare. You can’t expect to be a single parent and get all the support you get from a live in partner.

No he cannot feasibly, nor reasonably give up a job earning the amount he does so he can do a share of the school runs.
He has a contract with his employer and cannot just upsticks and rustle up a job nearby with an employer that will also cater and allow for him hours wise to do the school run.

This. If he gave up his job to do school runs, you wouldn’t get generous CMS

I have never heard of a separated couple who share childcare, who don't share custody.
You can't force him to have joint custody, if he doesn't want it.
This isn't fair, but what in life is, surely you realised if you split up this would be the result?

He sends £300 a month more than CMS order - even if he didn’t CMS would still be around £900 a month based on his wage.

Why do we do the jobs we do where we do them ? Because they are offered and available. For someone pursing a career it might be the right job, with the right team to progress further.

NHS consultant posts and those for private providers do not come ten a penny.

If he was working locally he would not be able to drop everything and go and do the school run either. He would still be working long hours. The idea that working locally would mean he could do school runs, take her to parties and do bedtimes is not realistic. And I suspect that when they were together she fully expected to do all those things.
What is hurting the OP is the breakup of her relationship.

If the OP only saw her child every 3 weeks and thought sending money made up for that, would you consider her to be a ‘good mum’?

@Hankunamatata A live in nanny for £1200 a month? Are you joking?

I would use the money for school pick up help and after school care. His earnings as a consultant start at £110,000. He probably didn’t get much choice as to where the job was. Many NHS staff do have to move around. Obviously most families move together.

Is he ex husband or just ex? You are not going to get practical help but he’s not entirely absent either. What are your agreed child arrangements via mediation or court?

He doesn’t. He sees her every fortnight.

Sorry, my mistake. And if the OP only saw her child every 2 weeks?

I’m going on what OP actually said - that he chose to move hours away to work. I appreciate that may not be the case, and l agree that his hours of work wouldn’t facilitate everything OP wants from him, but if he was local, l do think there would be more opportunity for him to be with his DD when he has time off.

Consultas have choice. New doctors are sent on rotations.

Consultants often have very little choice, particularly in some specialties.

That's really rude. Just because you see your own situation as worse doesn't mean the OP cannot have a moan too, she is well within her rights too. It's not a competition.

Jesus..low bar! How about wanting an actual.co-parent to share the load? I get it OP. Ex also lives far away, pays cms but every single day to day things is on me and he really doesn't know them anymore and cant really contribute in any useful way to big challenges or decisions either. Its not just the logistics and practicalities, its the responsibility.

Doesn't sound as if he tried very hard to stay close though.

That’s a massive assumption based on nothing the OP has posted. She could move too.

Being a working single parent is tough, there's so much to juggle and you don't quite feel you're doing anything to the best of your ability, do you? I know I didn't when my DH died.

I think you need to arrange help and stop expecting your ex to be more involved. He may love his job/employer and YABU to expect him to move jobs.

Maybe look for a child minder who can drop off and pick up from school and look after your DC for a few hours post school would help you.

There's absolutely no information to base an opinion on this in though.

OP have you told him he needs to do more and what would that look like? Have her for a couple of weeks in the holidays? Or do you want 50:50? Or for him to be the resident parent?

Could you relocate closer to him so he can see more of her?
If of course he would see more of her, pointless if he is maxed out at work and couldn't make time for her.

I think the point that poster was making was, yes he could be better but he also could be worse. Lots of single mothers will tell you their child’s father buggered off to another country or in some way hid from CMS so that they both didn’t see and didn’t pay for their child. So on that spectrum, this guy isn’t as shit as it gets.

Yes I am more sympathetic to OP than to a man who arranges things to only see his young children once a fortnight. If she moved he might still be too busy to see them as much as they need.