To be furious and tell aunt that DH nearly lost her son

[gollyimholly]

Had a family outing today to a stately home. Lots of aunts, uncles and cousins. DH took DD (3 years old) and cousin (10 years old) to the children's playing area. There was a big maze which cousin asked if he could do alone because he watches a TV show called Maze runner (I have never heard of it/don't know what it's about). DH said yes. Cousin doesn't even have a mobile phone. DH said cousin then got lost so he and DD had to go find him.

AIBU to find that he allowed him off on his own in a maze so scary? I feel like I should also tell my aunt.. I feel like it's the sort of thing I would want to know if it was my child. And then it would give me the opportunity to explain to my child why they shouldn't do things like that even if the dumb adult that is supervising them is allowing them to do so. AIBU?

OP, I'm really sorry that happened to you as a kid, but the solution isn't avoidance, it's empowerment. Teach the kids in your life to go feral if they encounter someone who makes them uncomfortable on the street. Scream, kick, scratch, bite! "I DON'T KNOW YOU! DON'T TOUCH ME!" Predators expect shock and compliance in their victims, it's how they get away with things.

As others have mentioned- there's way more danger in a smartphone than in a maze or on most streets.

Your past totally puts your anxiety into perspective. Probably the boy’s exact age has a lot to do with it for you as well.

That said, I think what your DH did is ok in this instance. Again, with his other questionable? decisions, I get why you would go to that as a default.

There’s only one way out.
So he wasn’t lost

He's 10, he should be able to wait near the maze for an adult to find him or ask a staff member for help.

Getting lost in a maze is sort of the point of them. Unless he’s a very immature 10 year-old or has additional needs, this wouldn’t worry me at all.

I think it would be incredibly ballsy for somebody to predate on a child in a maze when there’s only one exit. I mean how big was this thing? Ok it’s possible he’ll get lost but I assume what actually happened was DH went in and found him, I don’t think it needs any further action. I don’t think there was any risk of him ending up going home with a random maze predator.

With all the love and understanding for why you do think like this, I do think you need to make a deliberate effort to detach and let your kids find their wings. I think your anxiety is disproportionate to the actual risk. Letting a 10yo loose in a maze is such a non-event! You can't be the centre of your kids' world forever. You can't protect them forever. Let go, you might find it freeing.

He wanted to go with DH and DD to the playground because he was bored of looking at various oil paintings and ornate furniture and manicured grounds. I don't think that's odd at all!

Yeah it was a bit silly but not a big deal. He was fine. What good comes from a snitching?

No one was nearby lost….

*nearly

It wasn't silly at all

But none of that happened. So there is nothing to tell. Say nothing. Your DH made a call. Turns out, it was fine.

You sound paranoid. Don't cause trouble by telling the aunt.

He's 10 nothing wrong with giving them a bit of independence unless he has special needs. He'll be getting ready to start secondary school this time next year.

First child I would have been worried if they'd got lost in the maze. Second child - fine, I'm sure someone will find them eventually before we leave.

It’s a maze! That’s the whole point, wait by the exit till they get out. Any issues, get a staff member to help you and call their name. I find it weird - you wanting to Dob your own husband in, on something not that major , if I was your husband I would feel rather hurt and betrayed

At ten you are being ridiculous. He's not three.

A couple of points about your ridiculous logic.

At 11 most children will be walking to high school by themselves. You need to get them into the habit of doing things by themselves as preparation for this.

DS is going to high school in a few weeks. Some of his peers are still ten. It's insane to still be insisting that a ten year old boy is never out the sight of an adult. I'm assuming this kid is actually year 5 about to go into yr6 though, but even then it's over protective really. Half of yr6 is about preparation for high school not actual academic school work. It's totally age appropriate to be letting him off on his own within an enclosed area.

A maze is a contained space. It's going to be full of other families. It's not going to be a case of no one around and being completely alone. The kid was happy to do it on his own. A maze is also really not that big. And people have voices.

How would a phone have stopped a sexual assault? This is the thing I ponder with insane over anxious parenting. They think that phones will somehow keep their child safe. And don't think about how it might get them mugged or be fucking useless if something were to happen. The phone is really a blankie for the parent. It allows them to project their anxieties onto children. Kids really need to learn skills of how to cope in a crisis if they are separated from their phone / their phone battery is dead. Because that's actually the most likely scenario. A maze in a park is actually a really good place to practice these skills of coping alone and having a strategy to cope.

We have a wave of kids with anxiety disorders and we blame a whole pile of things for it. Except mad parents who don't teach independence and plan to gradually let go at age appropriate times because they want to infantilise their child and don't want them to grow up.

Kids have to cope. You can't protect them from everything. They need to learn to deal with everything from imaginary monsters under the bed to how to cope if something does unfortunately happen to them. Otherwise we just lock them up inside and they never learn to live a normal life anyway. It's your job as a parent to guide them through this process, not to make them incapable due to your anxieties.

Kindly, you need to look at how your own experience is still affecting you before it impacts on your own child. Get some counselling. This isn't about your DH being naive.

Oh what an awful experience to have had. I’m so sorry that happened to you OP😔 Similar happened to me at age 11 walking home from school, I wasn’t touched, but a van with 3 men inside followed me home shouting all sorts and to “get your fanny out”. It was awful. So YANBU to be worried about predators. No wonder you have anxieties about this.

The maze thing though, I think it was perfectly ok for your cousin to go in alone, as long as your DH was at the entrance/exit waiting. I wouldn’t class that as something “scary”. There was honestly no need to be furious at your DH.

You’ll find out when she’s 10, you have no idea what 10 is like if your oldest is 3. Mine would be gone in seconds, also they’d split up and then you cannot be with both. Before going in check where exits are and tell them where to go if they get out, but you don’t stick to them like glue. 5 yes, 10 no.

I wouldn’t let my 10 year old walk to school. I might let his little brother when he’s 10, as they are different people.
But I also wouldn’t dream of following my 10yo through a maze, and I wouldn’t be physically capable of it if I had my 3yo as well, unless I handcuffed him to me. These are quite different risks.

We've gone from "go outside and play but come back for tea at 6" to "don't leave my sight, ever" in two generations. ☹️ I suspect mine must shoulder half the blame.

Leaving the issue of the maze to the side, tattling on your husband to your aunt is a shit move. Any kind of bad mouthing your spouse to others is shitty.