To be furious and tell aunt that DH nearly lost her son

[gollyimholly]

Had a family outing today to a stately home. Lots of aunts, uncles and cousins. DH took DD (3 years old) and cousin (10 years old) to the children's playing area. There was a big maze which cousin asked if he could do alone because he watches a TV show called Maze runner (I have never heard of it/don't know what it's about). DH said yes. Cousin doesn't even have a mobile phone. DH said cousin then got lost so he and DD had to go find him.

AIBU to find that he allowed him off on his own in a maze so scary? I feel like I should also tell my aunt.. I feel like it's the sort of thing I would want to know if it was my child. And then it would give me the opportunity to explain to my child why they shouldn't do things like that even if the dumb adult that is supervising them is allowing them to do so. AIBU?

It’s a generally held belief that children are allowed to play in a children’s play area. Unless you’re not telling the full story, I’m afraid you’re being incredibly unreasonable.

Having no home insurance, hiring a gardener that was cold calling off the street (who then botched the entire garden and left without finishing the job), letting DD cycle down the pavement when he was about 20(!!) metres away, saving A LOT but in a normal account and not investing or putting it in a high interest savings account, letting a house sit totally vacant for 10(!) years without renting it out. I could go on...

We take kids that we work with that are between the ages if 8 and 11 to a maze and let them go in by themselves. No mobile phones.
Getting lost is part of the excitement and you can here them laugh as they realise they've ran back on themselves!

Are you serious? What a ridiculous overreaction on your part. Get a grip! I thought you were going to tell the story of how the child almost drowned or something, not got lost in a maze! FFS. Are you usually this hysterical?

Maze - perfectly fine

Maze Runner - he’s too young

If it was an apparently empty maze and he was in there on his own I guess it might have been a mild concern that some predator might be lurking in there with evil intent; but a maze with people having fun and a 10 year old boy - I would not be worried about that. And certainly don't tell his mum and cause a family rift for nothing - he's fine.

Ok everyone, thank you for your replies. I have been well and truly told I'm overreacting and so I will try and feel less stressed about it. But I really can't shake the anxious feeling.

Probably safer than kids allowed online/phones without supervision, and walking to school, which a lot of 10 year olds do. It's nice that the uncle/dad was encouraging them to do things-my uncle never really did much and left it to the aunts.

Probably safer than kids allowed online/phones without supervision, and walking to school, which a lot of 10 year olds do. It's nice that the uncle/dad was encouraging them to do things-my uncle never really did much and left it to the aunts.

A maze in a children's play area is going to be pretty small and uncomplicated. I suspect aunt's child was just messing about and was never lost. Predators are highly unlikely to lurk there because of the high probability of parents wandering around all the time.

I am so sorry that you were sexually assaulted as a child

After it happened did you tell an adult and how was it dealt with?

I'm sure that's the reason you are so anxious now. YABU about this particular issue but your anxiety is understandable.

You might benefit from some therapy or parenting support to help you manage your anxiety as your DD gets older. You will need to allow her some independence and that is likely to be triggering for you if you don't work on it.

We love mazes and seek them out. From junior age it is entirely normal for kids to be doing mazes with the adults seperate or waiting outside. There are always lots of families about, it’s really not a places the children are isolated.

for benchmarking independence: is he allowed to go to the gents alone? If so then the maze is less risky.

Normal to not see how you’d let your three year old ever get to the running a maze alone stage. But you will when she’s somewhere between 8-11.

You were sexually assaulted by a stranger as a child, so obviously your assessment of risk is going to be affected by that. It's bizarre to me that people aren't taking this into account.

There is a corn-maze at an attraction near where I live which is always full of unaccompanied kids...it's part of the fun for them. And 10 is really old enough to be able to have that small bit of independence.

Is this a wind-up?

PMSL, he's 10, not 2! Calm down.

I told my mum after school finished that day. She told school, school told the police, police came to the house. I remember feeling really disgusting for ages afterwards. At the time I never put two and two together but I wasn't allowed to go to friends' houses after that, or walk to school. I was always picked up and dropped off all the way through to sixth form. In fact the only time I ever left the house was with a parent, and going out with friends wasn't allowed. I was indeed initially a very nervous person going to university and being out in the dark felt genuinely scary sometimes. It still does sometimes and I'm late 30s now.

A 10 year old shouldn't even have a phone and should be perfectly capable of finding their way out of a maze and waiting sensibly at the exit for their adult to return. I think you're completely over reacting.

OP, no wonder you feel anxious and scared, given what happened to you, that's awful and must make you want to protect every child around you so it doesn't happen again.

The thing is, it's normal for a 10 year old to go off in a maze at a stately home, my children were playing 'out' at 8 in the local estate, and it's not healthy for children to be supervised all the time. They won't learn to make small decisions and gain independence like that, and that may end up backfiring in the end.

That doesn't take away from what happened to you.

I also think it's possible to raise this with your husband, tell him you felt stressed, accept he made a different decisions, and even if you think he was wrong, not to tell the aunt. Presumably, the aunt trusts your husband to make these decisions and wasn't following her son around, so there's no need to 'tell' on someone; again, that suggests anxiety and being 'found out', all of which are more about you than anything else.

I'm sorry such a shit thing happened to you, I get why you feel so protective.

Sorry OP I hadn't read your updates, in light of what happened to you its not surprising that you are very anxious. I'm sorry that happened to you.

That's sad OP and I'm sorry. It sounds as if their reaction was to be over-protective afterwards, again understandable but not necessarily the ideal reaction in terms of supporting your emotional healing after what happened, and your future independence. Please do get some therapy as you don't want to pass your anxiety onto your DD.

There’s a maze at one of the national trust places near us and there are often children that I’d guess are around 10 years old running around in there on their own. I think it’s a fairly normal age for that activity.

A ten year old shouldn't watch maze runner (its a young adult dystopian fantasy with lots of violent deaths) nor should they have a mobile phone.

A maze in a stately home garden is rather wholesome by contrast! he should have taken a ball of wool with pne end tied to your husband's wrist

Your husband should have waited rather than going in after him. I'm not sure why you're telling tales about your husband to your aunt, although the whole thing is a little bit odd (why did ten year old even want to go off with your husband and a three year old?).

Of course that’s natural given your history. But please do get some support for this before your own child gets too much older. It’s so important to give them bits of independence along the way.

I have a 10 year old (and a 13 year old) and had terrible PPA after my eldest. Took a long time to step back and I’m sure I contributed to her issues with anxiety today by being so panicked. I was much better when my son was born and he is much more relaxed (aware it might just be genes or luck or anything else but it does feel connected).

it still doesn’t come naturally to me but I have to push myself to let them go. And I would definitely let either of my kids into a children’s maze on their own. Actually sounds safer than most things my son finds to do!

Just seen the context about your own childhood - I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm not sure removing all your freedom, to the extent you described, right through sixth form was the right response by your parents - though I understand it came from wanting to protect you - you did nothing wrong as a ten year old and should not have had your life so limited because someone else did wrong. Your parents' well meaning but very extensive, protracted, years long reaction has probably created the anxiety you're left with in your late 30s.