Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

OP can you help your SIL as you’re all for family helping family?

Another "boomer" bashing thread.

No one's entitled to their parents' money or wealth. I know children (in their 20s now) who have made the decision not to work, or to tit around waiting for the perfect acting job or to be penniless artists, while their parents still give them a monthly income and who are planning to downsize to give them a deposit for a house.

I live in a large house, I won't be selling it to help my children get on the ladder. I may need it for my own old age. Who knows what that will hold. (and in any case I have to work until I'm 70).

My mother (a boomer) is spending all of her wealth while she's alive. She hasn't helped any of her children out and has no intention of doing. We've all had to get jobs and work.

I think my children just have to accept they are not going to be in the same position as I was property wise when I started out. (unless I die soon that is, when they'll do pretty well out of me).

You sound like an amazing mum. I would give the shirt off my back to my adult children if they needed it. I don’t understand the mindset of people who wouldn’t help their kids out when they are able to. Helping doesn’t mean your kids become entitled, if you have raised them well.

I selected YABU for saying that only boomer parents are like this.

I was born in 1958 so that makes me a boomer.

I support DD because she is a student. I am not mean spirited, nor am I a millionaire.

I agree that your MIL sounds mean though.

It’s the same now. Many educated, senior professionals can’t afford any sort of luxuries. But they won’t be able to retire unlike the boomers. Because we are paying for the current state pension for everyone, squeezed and rinsed for decades with tax threshold freezes, and will only get to retire when are nearly 70. I am in a senior role and extremely educated. I don’t know what TikTok is but you do so I would reflect on that. My job is also to analyse wealth, pensions, quality of life in various age groups. The boomer generation have had it the best against all indicators.

ps you won’t find this info on TikTok.

Blimey!

This.

I’m a ‘boomer’ (so sick of that word) and I don’t get to retire till I’m 67, which is ‘nearly’ 70. I started working full time as a teenager back in 1978. What were you doing in 1978?

I started work in 1977 and retired this year at 67.

Op why don’t you help your sil?

I kind of think your SIL made some choices by travelling for 20 years, doing a bit of bar work and then starting to take it seriously in her 40s. What she did she expect?

That level of wealth is quite untypical in any age group. Yes many parents do help their grown up children financially and in other ways but it shouldn't be expected. I hate the word boomer and the blame for everything being attached to older generations.

Why are you still meeting up with her and why on earth do your SIL and DH treat their extremely wealthy mother?

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

There's nothing easier than spending other people's money. I can't imagine resenting my parents spending their money. I just can't. They didn't have much when we grew up, and and they worked their whole lives to make sure we had what we needed. They're more well off now because they worked damn hard with little qualifications. That money is theirs to enjoy themselves now.

Yes but that's not the case here. This woman inherited all her wealth from her parents, she didn't earn it. I find it strange that she wouldn't want to help her family, I'm not suggesting she buys them a house but I would have thought with that huge disparity in income she would at least treat them when they go out for a meal.

It really isn't... it's a form of prejudice to say that everyone in a particular 'category' has same experiences, values and behaviour. It's simply not true that everyone has it easier in the past. Yes property was cheaper relative to income (although some of it was pretty slummy) Job wise, there was high unemployment in the 70s 80s, great deprivation in former industrial regions, no minimum wage, no protection from homophobia and sexism in the workplace. No understanding of mental health challenges. So it wasn't easy to land a juicy job.

Would be very interesting to hear the other side of this story (if it’s true!)

My MiL is not quite as rich as that but she is certainly very well off. For some reason she sees it as a matter of principle that she doesn’t give anything to anyone and intends to spend it all before she goes . It’s a very odd sort of badge of honour for some members of that generation. Not sure why really.

I think boomer parents provide far more support to their children than we received from our parents
I didn't receive any help from my parents , and I didn't expect any nor did my friend's

Yes. Not only did we not get help from our parents but we helped them financially. As we have helped our DC and continue to do so.

Me too.

This is why boomers are so
different - enormous wealth (they think they earned, rather than the reality of increasing asset prices) and a view that hard up generations below them are in their predicament because ‘avocado on toast’

This has turned into a boomer bashing thread, which may have been its purpose. If millennials or gen x’s or whatever they’re called were born in the 50s or 60s they would have lived their lives just as we did. They wouldn’t have had some magical insight into life forty or fifty year’s ahead and decided not to live in the present. Looking at most of the self serving billionaires and politicians today, most of them don’t seem to be from the ‘boomer’ generation, so why not direct your anger at them. Seems to me it is them who conspire against the ordinary person, not Mr & Smith who bought their house for £50k back in 1980.

You’ll get lots of support for your MIL. But of course she’s being greedy and selfish. I couldn’t let one of my children struggle like that and not treat them occasionally or help out with bills.

Hell I treat my friends sometimes who aren’t as blessed financially as me to the odd meal and social event. Not to patronise them but because I care about them and I know they would treat me if the situations were reversed. As for expecting the struggling daughter to sub her, that’s outrageous and self absorbed.

You can't control other people and what they do with their money but MIL sounds awful. I'm amazed you spend time with her. If you've been able to gift and help with deposits and weddings, why would you (or your husband more to the point) allow your sister to go without heating in the winter months. Surely there should be accountability on your husband if you're holding the MIL to account.

I don’t know a single ‘boomer’ in real life who thinks like that. There is a wide range 1946-1964 so maybe it’s the older end of that range. Many people my age (60s) still have kids at uni or kids who are just flying the nest as we had our children later. To paint ‘boomers’ as this one foul group of old people living in the lap of luxury who don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves is offensive and ignorant.

I recently read this article on Substack and found it quite interesting. (The writer is in favour of families working together as a unit across the generations i.e. has a multi-generational attitude to financial planning.)

Young adults are poor despite every metric that suggests otherwise
(It also discusses an article from The Cut on this topic: It's Hard To See My Parents Living So Lavishly)

"I think that Millennials and Zoomers are not doing fine. In fact, I think there have been structural changes to our economy and society which clearly explain why these cohorts are failing to move through the five pillars of a stable middle-class existence: education, stable employment, marriage, homeownership, children." (Emphasis mine.)

I think this is quite insightful and is core to the generational divide. I think that the five pillars he mentions are very important goals for most people but that younger adults who would normally be starting to tick them off aren't managing to do so, for various economic/structural reasons. Some "boomer" parents interpret as their kids rejecting those very important goals "so why should I give money to my feckless kids". Others interpret it as "so I'd better give my kids some money to get them over the hump!"