Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

Just think how happy you’ll be when she dies an all that lovely money filters down.

Or the imaginary boomer could leave it to a donkey sanctuary.

Classic response 🙄 Here we go.

So was mine. Exact same experience actually. But I’ll be working until I’m nearly 70 with a pittance of a pension and a huge mortgage due to house prices, despite my very stressful senior job and a string of qualifications, and standing on my own two feet since I was 16.

Now I see and understand why she’s not throwing her money at her children.

So what opportunities has the poverty riddled dd had in her life?

Was she provided with a good education?

It seems strange that the dd of such a wealthy woman hasn't got the skills and education to fettle for herself.

It is always us boomers who cause all the problems in life.

everyone is different, I think if I was in a position to help my child / family, I would do so. The reason I have no money is because I regularly help family members who are worse off!
different mentalities though, I don’t think YABU for thinking it . It’s not like she’s super tight and has money because doesn’t spend it but as others have said, it’s hers to do with as she wishes.
If I win the powerball I’ll buy your SIL a house in a nice area, pinky promise ☺️ x

Yes , I believe op is the daughter . Not sure what she wants from this spiel .

You simultaneously are claiming that you and your dh "havent had a penny" help whilst in your op saying,

"my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling"

So you have not stood on your own 2 feet have you? mummy and daddy have helped you out!
I would help my own dc in a dire emergency but I've told them it's up to them to provide their own house deposits, cars etc and you know what in their early 20s they have!
Babying your adult children doesnt do them any favours. Dont you want them to achieve things through their own talents and hard work?

I’m in my late 50’s , have 2 DS’s and 1 DD, I would give them my last penny , we’ve supported our middle DS through Uni, our eldest did an apprenticeship and has a FT job and we will support our DD with whatever she wants to do.
Some people are born to be selfish, not matter what age, they have children but once they are 18+ thats it, Goodbye-sort out life yourself!
I dont understand this at all, my parents were supportive all through my life, they never had alot themselves.
It all leaves a bad taste in your mouth doesnt it but shake it off, shes the one missing out.

And everyone hated him. The fact is (and it does seem to stand up to scrutiny), people who are mean spirited with money also tend to be mean spirited in life generally. Most tight fisted people are not well liked, not because everyone is after their money, but because it seeps into their character and personality.

I am quite generous by nature. But nothing makes me tighter than someone’s expectation that I should pay for them

Oh please bugger off OP and take your stupid boomer assumptions elsewhere.
I was born in 1962 and only have a tiny modest home I worked very hard for and cant afford to retire until Im 70.
I dont owe anyone anything they can have it when Im dead.
Ive worked full time all my life, was a single mum at 21 and was allowed 6 weeks maternity leave.
My DS has worked hard to buy his own house and I give him my time and attention.
Try working harder not going to boomer relatives with your begging hat.

Ah, all those lucky women who came of age in the 60s, 70s (and even into the 80s). Lucky them with their mortgages (couldn't get one) and their gold-plated pensions (whaddya mean not as much as the blokes?!), oh and, if they escaped the typing pool, those universities that curfewed them and wouldn't let them into the men's sections and...oh yeah, all that fab birth control and back street abortions and oooh page 3 get yer tits out for the ladz.....bloody hell, sooooo lucky. Ungrateful lazy cows. Dripping with cash though, obvs.

Some of these comments are bizarre! You get threads with I would do anything for my kids to help them out but not very many saying I have loads of money but wouldn't help my kids out even if they were desperate. Most normal parents would help their children if they were struggling esp. if they had as much money as this lady clearly does. I'm with the Op in that I think it is weird that she would stand by and watch her daughter struggle - nothing to do with anyone expecting money but surely the right, decent thing to do for your children. Some of you are bloody weird!!!

I find these tags so demeaning.

I agree with you to an extent. No one is entitled to luxuries but there is no way I could keep my hands in my pocket while my child and my grandchildren struggle through a winter with no heating. My own adult DD has made some very silly mistakes with finances and is getting back on her feet. In the meantime, we are helping her out by paying off loans, making sure the fridge is full of food and paying any bills she can't cover. We are lucky we can do it and we see it as part of an early inheritance. As PP have said, it's when you are young that you really need the money! Life is really hard for young adults these days, much harder than it was when I started out - I don't think life should be a misery so if I can help her with the essentials, I will. I am not spoiling her, I am stopping her from sinking. That is exactly what family should do. I am sure there are lots of people out there whose lives would have taken a turn for the worst if family had not helped them, whether it was with money or a place to stay. Life is very, very hard when you are completely on your own.

It's your MiL's money. She can spend it as she wishes. You do not know what provision she has made in her will (if any) and neither of her DC are entitled to her money. It would be nice if she helped but perhaps she has had to skimp and save as a young woman and a) sees nothing wrong with doing that as long as you are providing a future b) she wants to enjoy the end of her life for as long as she can. Not sure how she is getting £10k a month rental from 8 properties unless they are in London, but if you own 8 properties you must pay a substantial amount in income tax and there must be a fund of money for repairs. That notional 10k is not hers to fling about and she probably is not doing so.

If your sister-in-law thinks that she is entitled to your mum‘s money, and anything other than that is really unreasonable, then why did she bring kids into the world, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to give them more than what she can.
in theory she subjecting her children to the same life that she’s being ‘subjected’ to by a lack of help from her parent.

Feels a bit hypocritical to be honest.

I’m going to be helping mine out with deposits. I can’t give them a lot but I’m going to give them what I can afford. I am their mum not their ‘mummy’. I really hate it when posters say things like ‘mummy and daddy’ when a parent helps out their adult child. If an adult helps out their own mother no one says oh helping ‘mummy’ are you, in a sarcastic tone! Makes me wonder what has gone on in their own family to be so scathing.

Note: I have no idea if the OP is a genuine post but the principle still stands.

Hopefully this is sarcastic, but if not I blame an excessive reliance on TikTok as a way of understanding the world. People born in those decades around the UK didn't all have the same experience.
An 18 year old recently asked me if I grew up in a rich household as though it was a given because of my age. We had enough to eat and pay the bills and about 10 percent of us got free university tuition (the others didn't go), but we had very few holidays, days and meals out or new clothes. Lifestyles and expectations are different now.

Just FYI, I would absolutely help the sister-in-law in your mother-in-law‘s case, 100%, it’s just that there is an element of hypocrisy there

Some people are just very selfish when it comes to money, I don’t think it’s just boomers though.

My friend’s elderly parents are very well off. She isn’t. She helps them out all the time because her mother has dementia.

My friend has been suffering for years with her health and needs an op, she has been on an NHS waiting list for ages and is regularly in pain, her father knows this yet has never once offered to help her financially to contribute to private health care and maybe get the operation done sooner, he can easily afford it. As a parent I find this hard to understand, I wouldn’t hesitate to offer to help my children in this way if I were able to.

I can't imagine living like this either, no-one has a 'right' to anyone else's money but I prefer generous people who both give and take, and in our family we share money as we share everything. That's what being in a family is to me- sharing what we have, time, energy, loaning or giving money if needed but not too much to stop people being motivated to live their own lives. I'd be very sad in this situation if this were my mum and it's not how I am with my own children.

Its 100% a boomer thing.

These are people who bought their million pound homes back when rhey cost 50k and got juicy jobs for life, and "just dont understand" why their millennial kids dont hurry up and get on the ladder