Dating app (male) on DP’s phone - blindsided

[Foundapp]

DP and I both have the week off. We were out earlier and discussing potential dates for an abroad holiday in October.

When he’s off work, he keeps his work apps hidden on his iPhone - you need to go to a separate area to see them and use Face ID. In front of me, he accessed this to check his work calendar for holiday availability and I noticed there was the Grindr app.

I immediately questioned this. He said he forgot he had it as he hasn’t cleared his apps for a long time. He said he used it when his last long term relationship ended and hasn’t touched it since. He said it was an itch he needed to scratch and he didn’t enjoy it so never repeated it, and he considers himself 100% straight.

I am naturally confused by this and don’t know what to think. I asked him to access the app so I could see when the last messages were sent and they were from the time frame stated - over 2 years ago, we’ve been together 1.5 years. There seemed to be a lot of messages, I didn’t read them.

We both had tests when we first got together so that isn’t a concern now.

Am I wrong to be overthinking this now? I am struggling to look at him the same.

Sex with men was just an itch he needed to scratch? Yeah ok. Men who are 100% straight don’t just wake up wanting to try cock one morning. They try it because it’s something they have always wanted to do and think about it all the time.

It sounds like his story holds up regarding his usage predating your relationship but I call bullshit on the excuse “it’s an itch he needed to scratch.” People who are 100% straight do NOT have this itch! There’s nothing wrong with being bisexual but I would be angered by the lie. And even if his bisexualism IS a dealbreaker for you, then that’s your right and he is still wrong to hide it from you.

People who are 100 percent straight do not use gay hook up apps and meet the same sex in order to fuck them.

I do not believe that he would have 'an itch' mid way through adulthood out of the blue that he only fulfilled once out of curiosity and didn't like it. I mean he might have done it with men but that makes him bi. Not '100% straight'.

Then obviously he failed to delete the gay sex hook up app because he's so ragingly heterosexual?!

I don't see the problem here. I think a person can be bi-curious - if you find both sexes attractive and decide to try something with the same sex and realised it wasn't for you, I wouldn't see a problem with you saying you're 100% straight. It anything I'd be more concerned if you had the curiosity but never experimented.

If my husband were to tell me he was bisexual it wouldn't change how I felt about him - he's still the same person.

And I imagine that if you were bi-curious and realised you were straight after giving same sex relationships a go, you wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable sharing the detail of that with a future partner, in case they felt the way you do.

A lot of people aren’t 100% hetero though and what’s so bad about that? Lots of people have had an experience or two with the same gender and doesn’t really mean anything. Could still be 80% hetero (if we’re trying to measure it).

He’s been honest about it so I wouldn’t overthink it.

Actually I might be concerned by the app still being on the phone (and in the hidden part)... But then the dates match up with what he said so, idk.

What exactly is the worry? That he's got a bigger pool of people to potentially cheat on you with? That one day he's going to wake up and need that itch scratching again? Homophobia? You don't see him as a real man now?

I would expect any partner to say if they were bi tbh.
I would have a serious problem if I found out DH had ever slept with men and didn’t tell me. We deserve to know and make an informed decision before deciding if it’s something we are ok with or not.

I suppose my main concern is the 100% straight comment. He had three encounters, each ‘escalating’ each time, so he obviously had an interest to start with. I think it’s also off putting that one of the partners was a married man.

I agree with this. I've been curious with women and tried that out, only to realize that I am indeed 100 percent straight! Also I do think sexuality is somewhat of a spectrum and that he could have some attraction to men without that being dominant for him.

I think there are a great number of married men on dating sites, despite every poster on MN being willing to testify under oath that their husbands would never cheat, so I wouldn’t be bothered by that tbh.

I would not want to enter into a relationship with a gay or bi man and the fact that he withheld that info from you would be enough for me to lose all trust in him and walk/run away.

Hmm.

If he was 100% straight and gay sex wasn’t for him he would’ve balked at the first encounter. He went back again, and then again.

He’s bi. Don’t let him use you to achieve life goals such as marriage, kids, house and white picket fence and leave you in the lurch when his kids flit off to uni.

Be very careful. You’ve found out that he’s bi, he didn’t tell you upfront. You would still be in the dark about it if you didn’t catch him out.

Would you have consented to a relationship if you knew he was bisexual? (Straight people obviously don't go for multiple sexual meetups with the same sex).

He has deceived you the whole time.

I don’t think I would have done, no.

Would it have been that different to you if it had been a “women’s” app?

is the problem actually that you find anyone bisexual a problem?

or is it you see that he has “double the temptation” if he was to stray…

theres no right or wrong answer, but I see it as, he told you the exact truth and it matched the history.

Yeah I wouldn't have either, I am not attracted to bisexual men (not phobic, same as I'm not attracted to blondes, or muscle men etc.)

He literally went back for more sex from men, repeatedly, you know he's been lying to you the whole time. Not currently seeking men to have sex with is not a great basis for your relationship.

To avoid a drip feed, I asked him what he meant by ‘messing around’. He said the first time was just oral/rimming and the other two times sex ‘both roles’. So he has in his words ‘tried it all and realised it is not for him’.

I think it’s personal to each person. I mean at least he knows it wasn’t for him and he’s not still thinking about it!

OP doesn't know either of those things to be true, and he still has the app for gay sex on his phone.

Rimming 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢😫

Hes not straight

He lied to you

I'd try couples counselling and see where that gets you

Because all bisexual people are feral sex addicts right?

OP people do experiment and there's nothing wrong with that. Lots of 100% gay women and men will have had hetero sex too.

Not sure why you quoted me or why you're mentioning sex addiction.

If he was just trying it and decided it wasn’t for him, why would he still have Grindr on his phone two years later?

He’s bi and probably will seek out more experiences. I’d ditch him.