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AIBU?

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Dating app (male) on DP’s phone - blindsided

98 replies

Foundapp · 11/08/2026 16:54

DP and I both have the week off. We were out earlier and discussing potential dates for an abroad holiday in October.

When he’s off work, he keeps his work apps hidden on his iPhone - you need to go to a separate area to see them and use Face ID. In front of me, he accessed this to check his work calendar for holiday availability and I noticed there was the Grindr app.

I immediately questioned this. He said he forgot he had it as he hasn’t cleared his apps for a long time. He said he used it when his last long term relationship ended and hasn’t touched it since. He said it was an itch he needed to scratch and he didn’t enjoy it so never repeated it, and he considers himself 100% straight.

I am naturally confused by this and don’t know what to think. I asked him to access the app so I could see when the last messages were sent and they were from the time frame stated - over 2 years ago, we’ve been together 1.5 years. There seemed to be a lot of messages, I didn’t read them.

We both had tests when we first got together so that isn’t a concern now.

Am I wrong to be overthinking this now? I am struggling to look at him the same.

OP posts:
britneyisfreebutnotokay · 12/08/2026 16:58

I would literally ghost him. Fuck that for a laugh.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 12/08/2026 17:05

As a bisexual, I don’t think it’s possible to be a straight man and yet be interested enough in men to experiment with having sex with them at any point! The idea either appeals or there is zero appeal at all because that’s the function of sexual attraction. Moreover, if he downloaded Grindr and scrolled through as a straight man, he’d immediately realise he had no sexual attraction to a single man. So he’s in denial.

Charlize43 · 12/08/2026 17:13

CountingDaisies · 12/08/2026 09:04

It is an interesting thought.

However it still leaves OP without knowing whether this man is really straight, bi or gay. Experiences like this can sometimes turn into “I suspected I was gay when I was younger but I was in denial and tried to be straight” 10 or 20 years later.

Maybe he doesn't identify as bi or gay but just wants instant gratification sex hook ups. Only the OP will know what their sex life is like and whether he's insatiable, regular or not very interested. He may have a high sex drive and may be not particularly discerning. I've heard that some men will even fuck watermelons (a male Moroccan friend told me that). Which reminds of a few weeks ago when I was in Lidl and they had a special on baby cucumbers and some woman was enthused and kept telling me repeatedly that they were the right size. I don't think the penny dropped then! Maybe I should have asked her, 'the right size for what?'

DidYeAye16 · 12/08/2026 17:15

He wouldn't have needed to try it three times if he was straight and didn't enjoy it the first time.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 12/08/2026 17:18

DidYeAye16 · 12/08/2026 17:15

He wouldn't have needed to try it three times if he was straight and didn't enjoy it the first time.

He’s been rimming and other stuff (that he’s told OP, could be more). If he’d told me before I could make a decision then but now, no way.

BlackCatBea · 12/08/2026 17:20

my main concern is why does he still have the app?? Unless he’s lying and has been using it while in a relationship with you

thestudio · 12/08/2026 17:26

He will un-realise it's not for him when your relationship hits a pressure point - babies for example - and he will consider it not cheating.

I have two friends whose husbands blew up their lives and left them as single parents when they 'finally found the courage to be true to themselves'. The chaos and destruction and sense of their pasts (and fertile time) being stolen from them - plus the rage at the validation that their cheating, lying, manipulative and abusive exes were receiving all round - almost destroyed both of them.

Run as far as you can.

ScaredButUnavoidable · 12/08/2026 17:29

He obviously isn't “100% straight”.

However, bisexual people are perfectly capable of being faithful.

The questions you need to ask yourself are…

Do you feel like you had a right to know about his bisexuality before choosing to date him?

Do you feel betrayed that he hasn't at some point in the last 18 months told you that he has had sexual experiences with men?

He was obviously very open and honest with you when you discussed it with him so he clearly feels like he can trust you, so the question is whether you can move on from the fact he’s bisexual (and had sex with men) and didn’t tell you.

It depends whether you class that as betrayal?

Do you think everyone should have the right to privacy when it comes to their sexual history and their sexuality? Do you feel he had some kind of duty to tell you about his past?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 12/08/2026 17:31

BlackCatBea · 12/08/2026 17:20

my main concern is why does he still have the app?? Unless he’s lying and has been using it while in a relationship with you

He apparently forgot it was on there…

Wolverine23 · 12/08/2026 18:21

UncannyFanny · 11/08/2026 17:07

Sex with men was just an itch he needed to scratch? Yeah ok. Men who are 100% straight don’t just wake up wanting to try cock one morning. They try it because it’s something they have always wanted to do and think about it all the time.

My friend is straight. She loves her men. Now married so her man and very much settle, she tried it once because she said she wanted to see what it felt like. Wasn't for her either. It's not an unlikely story.

Ah just read he went back for more. He's definitely bi

MarthaLovesLaughing · 12/08/2026 18:23

Wolverine23 · 12/08/2026 18:21

My friend is straight. She loves her men. Now married so her man and very much settle, she tried it once because she said she wanted to see what it felt like. Wasn't for her either. It's not an unlikely story.

Ah just read he went back for more. He's definitely bi

Edited

Once.

I thought @Foundapp's husband tried it 3 (or 4?) times that we know of

CatsAreBetterThanMen · 12/08/2026 19:03

Oh crikey. It really gets on my nerves when people start accusing others of homophobia just because a woman doesn't find the idea of a man who has sex with other men as an attractive prospective partner.

First off the bat, just google "STI's higher in gay and bisexual men" and you will find multiple agencies (including the UK Health Security Agency and the CDC) and medical studies across numerous countries all verify that sexually transmitted diseases are currently and historically, hugely disproportionately higher in gay and bisexual men. They actually have partners whose sex drive matches their own and are pretty notorious for risk taking sexual behaviour. How many straight women or lesbians could have thought up the mind boggling "glory hole" in a public toilet as a way of having a casual sexual encounter.

So, it is NOT homophobic to recognise that you would potentially be at a higher risk of contracting an STI if you were in a relationship with a bisexual man, it is basic common sense.

Secondly, when a man leaves his female partner for another female he is generally thought of as a cheating bastard, but when a man leaves his female partner for another man he is pretty much resoundingly applauded and supported for being "courageous" and "his authentic self".

Thirdly, I find more and more that people who lack any particularly interesting or attractive characteristics, turn to exploring the "sexual spectrum" in an attempt to make themselves terribly avant garde or cool. I think some people honestly believe that the actually turn into David Bowie by putting on some lippy and nail polish and shagging someone of the same sex. No. David Bowie was a Rock God, they broke the mould.

Fourthly, call me a prude but anything that involves even the suggestion of faecal matter in a sexual context gives me the almighty heave, whether it is male on male or male on female or vice versa. This man has admitted to rimming.

Hang on, just having a dry heave and I'll resume typing...

He literally has stuck his tongue up another mans bum. I don't care how many times he's brushed his teeth and gargled since, that tongue has been inside an anus then inside her mouth!

I once dumped a man because I met his ex girlfriend and adjudged her to have a shockingly awful problem with personal hygiene, and after that, every time his tongue came anywhere near me (which admittedly, was only briefly) I pictured her and shuddered at where it had been before and his incredibly low standards of where he'd insert his personage.

My God! When did having standards become such an awful thing. Only idiots that believe everything they see on TV try to shame people for having personal standards. Each to their own. Go out, have fun, live your "best sexual life" (as long as it doesn't involve children or animals). But don't let people bully and shame you into having a relationship with someone you're not comfortable with.

And please buy some listerine.

Lampzade · 12/08/2026 19:07

He is not straight . As others said he is a least bisexual
The fact that he didn’t tell you that he had previously been intimate with men Is an issue Lying by omission
This would be a dealbreaker
I am married now but if I was single I would never knowingly date a bisexual man

Tryanalogue · 12/08/2026 19:14

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CatsAreBetterThanMen · 12/08/2026 19:39

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Just for your reference Tryanalogue, I use the term "good god" as a more polite version of "cunting hell" and "holy fuck". Just expressions of exasperation, surprise or anger.

I am an atheist and have been since I declined to take my Holy Communion at 7 years old. As far as my belief set goes, we are monkeys. We are not special in any way, shape or form and when we die we simply cease to exist. God is made up to help humans deal with the fact that they are not important or meaningful in any way. The same way that society makes up fads and cults of personality (like "I'm exploring the sexual spectrum" shite) to make people feel unique and special when in fact 99.9999% of people are not special, they're just self absorbed monkeys.

David Bowie (the sometimes sodomite) being one of the 0.00001% that is the exception to the rule (as mentioned in my previous post).

Sodomites won't burn in Hell as there is no Hell. There is no divine power of judgement, but for the fleeting time I am here on this earth I reserve the right to exercise my own judgement.

Fuck who you like, however you like (again, as I said in my previous post, as long as it doesn't involve animals or children) but don't try and pressure others into liking what you like.

seawitchandgarden2 · 13/08/2026 08:45

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Reported. You should be ashamed of posting such nonsensical, homophobic comments.

Lugol · 14/08/2026 21:03

thestudio · 12/08/2026 17:26

He will un-realise it's not for him when your relationship hits a pressure point - babies for example - and he will consider it not cheating.

I have two friends whose husbands blew up their lives and left them as single parents when they 'finally found the courage to be true to themselves'. The chaos and destruction and sense of their pasts (and fertile time) being stolen from them - plus the rage at the validation that their cheating, lying, manipulative and abusive exes were receiving all round - almost destroyed both of them.

Run as far as you can.

When I worked in the gay village in Manchester I used to come across a fair amount of men who had deliberately deceived a woman to get married and have children and then once they had done that, they would come out. They didn't see anything wrong with doing that either because in their minds, "bigotted society has made me have to do that"

I had a blazing row once with a good friend who said he didn't see anything wrong at all with it. I asked him what about the poor women who had their lives ruined by someone who was just to gutless to come out (this was 90s/2000s so hardly the 1940s!) and he said they were just collateral damage to gay men. 😡

Dragonflyspeeding · 15/08/2026 09:25

I personally know somebody who married at quite a young age (early 20s in the mid to late 90s) and, after marrying, found out the man she had married was/is gay. I’m sure she wanted to have kids which never happened.

She stayed single for the next twenty five years. She remarried in her 50s. Her first husband’s cowardice ruined her life.

UncannyFanny · 20/08/2026 19:17

Dragonflyspeeding · 15/08/2026 09:25

I personally know somebody who married at quite a young age (early 20s in the mid to late 90s) and, after marrying, found out the man she had married was/is gay. I’m sure she wanted to have kids which never happened.

She stayed single for the next twenty five years. She remarried in her 50s. Her first husband’s cowardice ruined her life.

Well of course, I mean gay men in straight relationships are all out to ruin women’s lives and never live in fear and self loathing after all.

Dragonflyspeeding · 20/08/2026 22:37

UncannyFanny · 20/08/2026 19:17

Well of course, I mean gay men in straight relationships are all out to ruin women’s lives and never live in fear and self loathing after all.

Or they could stay single instead of manipulating and deceiving women.

Starfishmunchrt · 21/08/2026 21:14

Fourthly, call me a prude but anything that involves even the suggestion of faecal matter in a sexual context gives me the almighty heave, whether it is male on male or male on female or vice versa. This man has admitted to rimming.
Hang on, just having a dry heave and I'll resume typing...
He literally has stuck his tongue up another mans bum. I don't care how many times he's brushed his teeth and gargled since, that tongue has been inside an anus then inside her mouth!’

My first boyfriend loved rimming. Lots of straight men do 👅

BCBird · 21/08/2026 22:32

I would find it hard to believe he is 100% straight. As a heterosexual woman I would not chose to be romantically involved in someone who was bisexual- my choice. This does not mean I am homophobic.

BadLad · Yesterday 09:43

Starfishmunchrt · 21/08/2026 21:14

Fourthly, call me a prude but anything that involves even the suggestion of faecal matter in a sexual context gives me the almighty heave, whether it is male on male or male on female or vice versa. This man has admitted to rimming.
Hang on, just having a dry heave and I'll resume typing...
He literally has stuck his tongue up another mans bum. I don't care how many times he's brushed his teeth and gargled since, that tongue has been inside an anus then inside her mouth!’

My first boyfriend loved rimming. Lots of straight men do 👅

No, straight men do not enjoy rimming other men.

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