Dating app (male) on DP’s phone - blindsided

[Foundapp]

DP and I both have the week off. We were out earlier and discussing potential dates for an abroad holiday in October.

When he’s off work, he keeps his work apps hidden on his iPhone - you need to go to a separate area to see them and use Face ID. In front of me, he accessed this to check his work calendar for holiday availability and I noticed there was the Grindr app.

I immediately questioned this. He said he forgot he had it as he hasn’t cleared his apps for a long time. He said he used it when his last long term relationship ended and hasn’t touched it since. He said it was an itch he needed to scratch and he didn’t enjoy it so never repeated it, and he considers himself 100% straight.

I am naturally confused by this and don’t know what to think. I asked him to access the app so I could see when the last messages were sent and they were from the time frame stated - over 2 years ago, we’ve been together 1.5 years. There seemed to be a lot of messages, I didn’t read them.

We both had tests when we first got together so that isn’t a concern now.

Am I wrong to be overthinking this now? I am struggling to look at him the same.

Well I have never been tempted to experiment with the same sex - and I describe myself as straight. It doesn’t interest me at all, in the slightest.

We all have different opinions on this and what matters is what the OP feels/wants to do. She needs to work out if it’s something she could get past - I couldn’t. In my own view - I stress this - you’re either straight or you’re not. Straight people, in my opinion, don’t feel the need to “experiment” with the same sex. There must be some level of sexual attraction to do so, and therefore be at the least, bisexual.

I would be concerned that this app was hidden and not deleted. He has actively chosen to hide the app rather than delete it. I doubt it was hidden when he was single - so has he hidden it since getting together with you - instead of deleting it? If so, why?

FWIW my DP had also been on Grindr when we met. He was curious and to put it bluntly thought he might have more luck on there than on hetero apps! He says he never met anyone and isn’t sure he’d have been able to go through with it even if it had got that far. He still considers himself 75% straight! Your DP is categorically not 100% straight but I guess if he’s happy with you and not looking elsewhere then it isn’t really relevant how he describes his sexuality.

If you wouldn’t have entertained him had you known then of course that needs unpicking, but unless you had that discussion and he lied about having slept with men, I’m not sure it’s fair to label it as a lie.

Um hi, it’s 2026 and men can achieve ‘life goals’ like marriage and parenthood with another man if they want to, it doesn’t automatically require being in a heterosexual relationship.

Men use it a lot for casual hookups (sex) in their area. I’d be getting tested and out of the relationship. No guy just forgets an app like that being on their phone.

And being gay/bi is not an itch.

Sigh.

It is 2026 and some gay / bi people still feel the need to disguise or hide their sexuality.

Some people, regardless of their sexuality, regard straight marriage, white picket fence etc as a goal.

It’s really not as simple as, “We are in these modern times. Every one of us is super cool, relaxed and open about our sexuality.”

There’s nothing wrong with being bisexual but OP’s DP didn’t told her this until she found out about the app and he still denied it. That’s deceiving.

So he still had the app two years later in a locked folder that he regularly accesses for work?
Surely if he didn’t like the three experiences he had and claims to be “100% straight” why not delete it?

I also don’t believe he’s not used the app since you’ve been together, or that he had forgotten it. As others have pointed out, most phones these days make you redownload an app if it hasn’t been opened for more than a certain amount of time - and it’s most definitely less than the time you’ve been together that it does that! Even if his phone is set not to auto offload unused apps, if he went into it after nearly 2 years, it would have needed updating. I play an online game daily. I have auto updates on. Still it regularly tells me I need to update the app to open it!

He will likely tell you he doesn’t have the setting on to auto delete unused apps.

He will likely tell you he has auto update on so that’s why the app had the latest version.

Maybe those things are true. But what can’t be true is that he “forgot” he had it on his phone if he had it hidden in his folder where he had his work apps. What else does he have in this hidden folder? Why does he need a hidden folder? I don’t have any hidden folders on my phone - any work apps are in a folder called work. I have nothing to hide. He clearly does have stuff to hide.

The chances are he’s kept old messages on there as his cover if he got caught. Any new ones probably get deleted.

Did he delete the app when you discovered it? Did he go into it and could his account first? I’m presuming there’s a way of doing that. If he did delete the app, I’d want to see that it’s not geek redownloaded in a few weeks time…. But actually I think I’d just kick him to the kerb now to be honest.

Doesn’t matter if it’s men or women, he’s kept a dating app hidden from you on his phone. At the very least he’s likely been using it for sexting. And I don’t think he’s being honest with you - that should be a dealbreaker.

I feel like everyone is falling over themselves to be PC.

Let's just say it was Tinder and not Grinder. Far more would be telling you to get rid as nobody would keep the app without using it and to get tested asap.
But because it's grinder hardly anyone is mentioning the potential for infidelity. Just that it's okay to be Bi.

Yes it's okay to be bi but it isn't okay to cheat and not disclose sexuality.

And it is entirely okay to not want to have a relationship with someone bisexual if you'd rather not.

It’s a no from me. You’ll always have it at the back of your mind!

Cmon, no straight man does this, you know this.

so as a min he is bi or he is gay and you’re his beard. How is your sex life?

There is always a bit of an outcry if you say you don’t wish to be with a bisexual man on here for some reason, but I would not wish to be in a relationship with a man who was physically attracted to other men

so he’s lied to you and he’s still lying.

I worked for years in the gay village in Manchester and met thousands of Bi men over that time. I am still in touch with many of my bi and gay friends.

I would never date a bi man. Nor would most gay men for that matter.

Years ago when I was still on Facebook I was added to a group of people who went to the gay village in the 90s/20s and I was shocked to see men who I knew to be horrendously promiscuous now married to women and had kids.
I wondered whether their wives knew what kind of men they had been (cottaging, group sex etc).

If I found Grindr on my DH phone I would leave in a heartbeat.

Gay/Bi men are known for risky sex (it's documented and well studied) and leopards do NOT change their spots.

So in 1.5 years, you've never once seen his phone app screen? But he just casually showed you it now, without trying to hide it? And he still has an m/m hook up app on there that he wasn't bothered by you seeing? And he happily showed you his message history on there, and he last used it 2 years ago?

It's all very strange. Is he hoping for you to be curious and suggest an f/m/m threesome? (I'm joking, but also can't see why events would unfold the way they have otherwise).

It’s disrespectful to still have a dating app nearly 1.5yrs into a committed relationship. I don’t believe it was an itch, and I think having the app suggests it’s still on his mind. I hope you are ok as that is a big shock

Youve only been together 18 months, you arent married and I assume dont live together. Everyone has a past. You either accept it and move on or end it and move on.

Tell that to the 16 year old kid I work with has just had their life ripped apart and had to leave school with no GCSE's because their dad left their mum and 3 young DC for a man in the middle of their exams.

For me it would be a massive red flag waving right in my face.

The way I see it, and this is just how I feel, is that it is one thing for your DH to run off with another woman, it is a whole different ball game if they leave you for a man or trans-woman.

As a woman who has been married for 26 years it is always in a corner of my mind that my DH may at some point think the grass is greener. As a result I have always protected myself. I would be shocked and upset, but it wouldn't be a total 100% shock.

If my DH came home and told me they were leaving me for a man, or wanted to be a woman this would be a wrecking ball into my life sideways. It would just be so unexpected. I also think it does add a whole other layer on top of what you have to deal with when divorcing someone and making sure your kids are OK.

So, as a 50 year old woman who has seen lots of things happen around me in life, and to my friends and colleagues, I would tell my 20-something self to run a mile from this man.

It is an interesting thought.

However it still leaves OP without knowing whether this man is really straight, bi or gay. Experiences like this can sometimes turn into “I suspected I was gay when I was younger but I was in denial and tried to be straight” 10 or 20 years later.

You’d be surprised how many married men there are on apps that meet up for sex with other men.

He's being truthful re App usage but def not straight (he may still have the app incase he feels like scratching the itch again).

i think it would take a lot for a so-called straight man to go out and look for gay sex. I could sort of understand it more if he became very close to someone and it ‘happened’ and then he decided it wasn’t for him (I’ve known a dyed-in the wool lesbian to then partner with a man later in life, so it does happen - but to actively look, no).

So yes, I’d say he was bi - maybe more towards hetero - as sexuality is a spectrum. I mean i find some women attractive but would never want a sexual encounter with a woman - don’t have that itch at all.

I've had a similar experience with an ex. Had been together for about 9 months when he (drunkenly) told me he was bi. He'd had a couple of (full) experiences with men. I was a bit shocked at first (trust me, I'm not a prude but it was just a lot to get my head around) but after a few days I accepted it. I guess for your DP at least he's been honest, but in my experience that desire for experiences with the same sex doesn't go away, even in a heterosexual relationship.

Adding to my previous comment - yes my ex was extremely keen for MMF threesomes, it became like an obsession. (I never did it!)

If a man is on Grindr and seeks men for sex they obviously are not '100%' straight.

His explanation is ludicrous and I would bet that he has been meeting up with guys all along and is lying to you.

I am bisexual so I have no problem with a man being attracted to other men but the lying and cheating is obviously unacceptable. I would dump him because of that.