Dating app (male) on DP’s phone - blindsided

[Foundapp]

DP and I both have the week off. We were out earlier and discussing potential dates for an abroad holiday in October.

When he’s off work, he keeps his work apps hidden on his iPhone - you need to go to a separate area to see them and use Face ID. In front of me, he accessed this to check his work calendar for holiday availability and I noticed there was the Grindr app.

I immediately questioned this. He said he forgot he had it as he hasn’t cleared his apps for a long time. He said he used it when his last long term relationship ended and hasn’t touched it since. He said it was an itch he needed to scratch and he didn’t enjoy it so never repeated it, and he considers himself 100% straight.

I am naturally confused by this and don’t know what to think. I asked him to access the app so I could see when the last messages were sent and they were from the time frame stated - over 2 years ago, we’ve been together 1.5 years. There seemed to be a lot of messages, I didn’t read them.

We both had tests when we first got together so that isn’t a concern now.

Am I wrong to be overthinking this now? I am struggling to look at him the same.

What a strange response.

Strsight men don’t seek out other men on dating / hook up apps.

He’s at least bisexual.

Don’t you think his wife / partner should have been told this so she could make an educated choice about whether she wanted to get involved with him?

But no. It must be because she’s homophobic. Or thinks he’s less of a man. Or something. 🙄

People are so happy to take away or disregard the autonomy of woman in case it is seen to be slighting a man.

But his wife or partner should know their partner’s sexuality.

So he’s bisexual? Which is completely fine. but not completely fine if you are his partner and didn’t know this . This would be the end of the relationship for me.

I’d be very concerned. You don’t want to waste 25 years of your life on a man who turns out to be gay.

all bisexual people are feral sex addicts right?

That poster said absolutely nothing like that

You dont need 3 goes to know you arent gay.....

He's bi or gay.

i also dont believe he forgot he had grindr in his work apps.

in 1-2 yrs will be shagging men behind your back.

Bin and move on.

That would be a deal breaker for me. If someone tells you they've had sexual experiences with men and women from the outset, fair enough. But to conceal that information is a whole other ball game.

And I would get tested again. He's already concealed a lot of truth from you.

I couldn't get past this. If he enjoys contact with a penis he is gay. End of story.

He's gay, not 'bi'.

Apps on my phone grey out and have to be redownloaded if they haven’t been used in a while. Two years, you say?

It sounds like he’s being fairly upfront about it. Doesn’t sound like he’s gaslighting you or minimising, and the date seem to add up etc.

I could be wrong, he could be lying, but there’s als a chance he’s telling the truth.

However…..I don’t think he’s straight.

And if that’s a dealbreaker for you, that’s ok. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

I dunno… I had sex with men a couple of times in my 20s (40 years ago) and wouldn’t describe myself as gay or bi - it was part of experimenting with other stuff, as I see it.

If he had not opened the app for 2 years, the first screen when he opened it would be an "update the app" prompt, surely?

It would be on Android anyway. Apps that are unused are also put to sleep after a certain period. You don't open a zombie app and it's the up to date version.

Bi people exist. Keep up.

So now he has told you this do you want to be with him less ? Seems like a bit more involved than just curious, he seems to have entered into sexual relations with at least three men . That's pretty involved.

You really aren't together that long , would he have told if this hadn't come up ? I know people don't have to reveal their past but this is a whole different scenario and unfair to keep it from you . Gave you no chance to decide if you want to be with a bi or gay man .

It would be the end for me.

A gay friend of mine says that homosexuality is on the increase and more and more young men are trying it (Call Me By Your Name, Pansexualism; fluidity, Ben Wishaw, Frappuccinos, etc). He has a whole dinner partner speech thing about how we are are going full circle and heading back to the model of ancient Greeks society, where men fucked another men as a form of athletic recreational sex release thing. According to him it will be much better for women as men won't need to pester them for sex...

It is an interesting thought... (I'm 59, so nothing surprises me anymore)...But then again it may just be wishful thinking on his part.

OP, really sorry. There’s so much about this that doesn’t add up.

at best it dishonest, but he is almost certainly bi or gay (let’s not forget very gay men like Stephen Fry and Rupert Everett had sex with women. But they are gay, no one would consider them conventionally in relationships with women).

honestly OP, life is too short for this nonsense.

if the situation was reversed, would you still have women-dating apps on your phone right now?

Really, I would chuck this one back and find someone more aligned with you.

you may never ever feel truly comfortable with him going forward, which is horrible to consider.

youre worth more than this too.

It is for him.

Yes, you need to think about if you continue you may find yourself in 15 years time with Philip Schofield.

Has he asked you for anal sex?

Do you think he's lying about it being a one and done thing or do you object to him having had sex with men and keeping it from you?

Why didn't he delete the app? As for the app/messages predating the relationship, he might just be cleaning up after himself now that he's with you.

App usage in (battery) settings might be worth a look, no idea how far back it goes on iOS though.

It really depends.

How is your sex life with him?

Do you live in a cultural centre where he’s been influenced for some time by a lot of different lifestyles?

If the answer is ‘good’ and ‘yes’ then I’d try and get some perspective here.

But if not, then I’d be very concerned.

How old is he out of interest?

I would have a few alarm bells pinging…

I think there are a great number of married men on dating sites, despite every poster on MN being willing to testify under oath that their husbands would never cheat, so I wouldn’t be bothered by that tbh.

What in the world type of people do you meet where you think this is remotely true? Goodness!