AIBU to help pay for my niece's private school fees?

[Changingusernameforthis]

My brother married a woman who is my husbands friend from uni. When she started dating my brother, I got to know her better and she became a close friend of mine. They got married after 5 years together and then had my niece. When my niece was 4 they split up. It was a difficult situation as he was my brother and she was a friend of ours but we got through it.

My brother met someone new very quickly. She had children already who were 4 and 2 when they met. They are now 9 and 7. My niece is now 9.

In a couple of years my niece will be going to secondary school. Her mum would like to send her to the same school as our children went/go to which is a private school but she is concerned the finances are a bit tight. I spoke to my husband and we decided that we would like to offer to pay some money towards our nieces education to make things more comfortable for nieces mum. We spoke to my brother about it and he thinks we can’t possibly do it because he and his partner can’t afford to send her children to private school. We said we didn’t think our niece should miss out because of that and that nieces mum would be funding the majority of it anyway. At a push, she could fund it all herself and she was seriously considering doing that, even with it being tight.

We have spoken to our nieces mum who is really grateful for us helping and our niece is excited about potentially going to the same school as our children.

My brother thinks we are unreasonable but we don’t. My niece only spends every other weekend and some holidays with my brother so it won’t cause any logistical issues with the children getting to school and it won’t be overly obvious to his partners children that there is a difference in schooling as they won’t see it due to the days niece spends with them.

The school has been fantastic for our children and our niece is very similar so we think it will suit her. Are we being unreasonable to help? My husband says we could just say we’ve decided not to help but still help without my brother knowing as it’s between us and nieces mum really, who was my husbands friend before anything else.

I think it's a lovely thing to do for your niece. Education and the environment they spend their secondary school years in are so vitally important.

My stepmother stopped my brother from going to the grammar school he was offered a place at, because her daughter ( in the same class at primary school) didn’t get in. We only found out later by accident. I don’t know if my father knew at the time, but I do know it meant my brother did not receive a good education and it has had lifelong effects. It still comes up now, 50 years later.
OP, your niece has been disadvantaged by her parents splitting up, and it’s pretty shocking that she is sadly not her father’s priority anymore. If you can help out, that would be a lovely thing to do, assuming that you can afford to make this a long term commitment.

I do think though OP you need to have your brother on side for this, and you do need to talk round issues like, what if he and his new partner have a child ? What if his ex has another child with someone else?

the problem with blended families is they can get complicated, right now you have one DN, who has a single parent who’s a high earner. This may well change.

(This is even before you consider how you would change your view of your brother’s step children if he was to adopt them. Do you as a couple only see blood family as family or accepted adopted children as family? There’s not a “one size fits all” view on this and you and your dh need to be in the same page about fairness and this.)

Your brother 'moved on ' quickly after the split, who's to say that in two years time there may be another partner another set of stepkids! Whereas your neice will always be your neice. If you and your husband want to gift money to friend, not your business if she happens to spend it on neices education.

I would be concerned about future children on both sides and make it clear now that this offer is for neice alone so they can take that into consideration

What happens if your brother stops your niece from going to private school due to his step children and not being able to send them then 18 months down the line they split up and he never sees the step kids again? Your niece has lost out on the opportunity due to her Dad prioritising children who are no longer apart of the family.
Obviously this is just a possibility but it's worth him considering, you never know what is going to happen in life.

Parents don't have rights independently, any 'rights' they do have are to fulfil their responsibilities to their children. OP, I'd entirely ignore your brother here and treat your relationship with your niece and her mother independently. Your brother doesn't sound like a sufficiently involved parent, who prioritises her best interests, that he really gets to have a say in much to do with her.

The thing I'd focus on is continuity of education for your niece. Are you comfortably off or would you be contributing up to the limit of what you could afford? If your niece starts at this school, she really ought to be able to finish her education there if at all possible, especially if she's had bullying issues at school in the past. Moving a child who is potentially fragile due to past experiences from a settled environment is something that should be avoided if possible. So in your position, I'd check with your ex SIL that she's reasonably confident that she could afford the fees for the whole time (factoring in increases and extras), with the amount you're willing to contribute, and I'd offer less than you would actually be willing to give to 'build in' some leeway.

Thanks all.

We have spoken to our nieces mum and decided the best way is for her to pay all the fees and for us to contribute towards other things. We will be covering my nieces hobbies, uniform and school trips to the equivalent of what we were going to pay in fees and then our arrangement is not my brothers business. My nieces mum has told my brother we won’t be helping with fees and he has said if she can afford it herself then he’ll accept my niece going to the school, (how good of him), although ‘it’s not fair’.

Great outcome.

@Changingusernameforthis Honestly, what's "unfair" about her Mum paying all the school fees for her daughter?! He's so illogical.

I know it is not the point of your thread, OP, but your brother is a twat.

Agree. And I would be keeping a sharp eye out that your niece isn’t disadvantaged further by her father and his wife to ‘make up for it’ with the other kids.. I would almost put money on it this will occur.

Op, if your brother has another child with his new partner would you also pay for them?

Have you mentioned to him that it's 'not fair' to her that she has a crap, uninvolved dad who doesn't prioritise her wellbeing?

Do you think the child’s Mother would agree to her 3rd child being treated differently to her first 2? I would put money on it that she would not….

I would also nearly bet that when the father/brother is due to pay something for his first child, his 2nd wife will remind him that the child’s mother has more than enough funds to pay for private education and it will be raised time and time again, all because a loving aunty wants to assist her niece.

I think you sound an absolutely lovely auntie and I’d play it down and say her mother is paying most of it and you’re just helping with a bit of uniform and afew books to cushion it a bit (not that you should have too)

Your brothers new wife’s kids are not your concern whatsoever.

This thread is refreshing in a way.

On the step parenting forum step parents are often berated because they don't insist that all of their families must treat their step-children exactly the same as blood relatives, even if they barely know them. To not do so is unspeakably cruel.

I have long suspected that most people don't actually believe this but just like to use it as a stick to beat step mothers with. The responses to this thread align with my suspicions. Actually most people are fine with treating step-children of family members differently.

Given you aren’t therefore paying towards school fees, but hobbies etc you do need to decide asap if you will do this for any future dcs your brother has (either with his current partner or a future one). He may reasonably say no to a child he has with his current partner going to a private school if he can’t afford to send his step-kids, but hobbies and activities are different. I would assume there would be an expectation that you would treat any other DNs the same way as your current DN.