AIBU to help pay for my niece's private school fees?

[Changingusernameforthis]

My brother married a woman who is my husbands friend from uni. When she started dating my brother, I got to know her better and she became a close friend of mine. They got married after 5 years together and then had my niece. When my niece was 4 they split up. It was a difficult situation as he was my brother and she was a friend of ours but we got through it.

My brother met someone new very quickly. She had children already who were 4 and 2 when they met. They are now 9 and 7. My niece is now 9.

In a couple of years my niece will be going to secondary school. Her mum would like to send her to the same school as our children went/go to which is a private school but she is concerned the finances are a bit tight. I spoke to my husband and we decided that we would like to offer to pay some money towards our nieces education to make things more comfortable for nieces mum. We spoke to my brother about it and he thinks we can’t possibly do it because he and his partner can’t afford to send her children to private school. We said we didn’t think our niece should miss out because of that and that nieces mum would be funding the majority of it anyway. At a push, she could fund it all herself and she was seriously considering doing that, even with it being tight.

We have spoken to our nieces mum who is really grateful for us helping and our niece is excited about potentially going to the same school as our children.

My brother thinks we are unreasonable but we don’t. My niece only spends every other weekend and some holidays with my brother so it won’t cause any logistical issues with the children getting to school and it won’t be overly obvious to his partners children that there is a difference in schooling as they won’t see it due to the days niece spends with them.

The school has been fantastic for our children and our niece is very similar so we think it will suit her. Are we being unreasonable to help? My husband says we could just say we’ve decided not to help but still help without my brother knowing as it’s between us and nieces mum really, who was my husbands friend before anything else.

What a great dad, holding his own child back academically so some other man's children won't get upset. I'd ignore your brother's wishes and pay towards my niece.

I can't get past the bit where you say the child is excited about going to the same school as her cousins. How does she even know this is a possibility if her parents have not yet decided?! What happens if it's decided she can't go? Fucking awful parenting.

I thought that too. The OP also mentions that:
In future my niece would be told if he did stop her from going there and that may make their relationship worse. Which seems like blackmail to me. Or a threat. Either way, there’s clearly some animosity going on and not necessarily between the divorced parents.

Give your friend the money and tell your brother you're not paying your niece's school fees. As you have said, her mother can just about afford them anyway, so your money could technically not be paid to the school. Make sure your friend knows that this is absolutely just between the 2 of you and not to be discussed elsewhere. I'm not one to normally advocate lying, but this feels pretty close to a white lie in that it doesn't actually hurt any of the parties involved. Your brother may have hurt feelings if he found you'd lied, but the benefits of a clearly great school and education for your niece far outweigh that. Also, as you suspect he won't be bothered to veto the choice of school, a quiet donation to her upbringing is the way to go.

Since the mum actually can't afford it herself, I think you're setting up a situation that has the potential to go pretty badly. As the years go and and fees increased, you'll only be liable for more and she may be able to contribute less and less. For her stability, it's a much better idea for your niece to start and settle at a school that will meet her long-term suitability.

While your money is yours to do what you want with, I also agree with the poster above who says that her school is between the parents and nothing to do with you.

Surely it's not about the OPs db having "hurt feelings" But about his child being happy and getting a good education? Who cares how hurt he is, that's not the ops fault. HE chose to marry someone with other children , not his family or his DD.
SHE should be his priority. He's just thinking about how it affects his marriage if his new wife finds out.

I think this will get even stickier when the OP's brother has the inevitable shared child with his new partner and says that both his children must be treated equally. He'll probably come to OP for a contribution to their new DN's education!

So her Dad doesn’t get a say in how his daughter is educated? Because his ex wife and his sistet have already decided? Okay…

no good deed goes unpunished.

absolutely mad to get involved like this

The dad who sees his daughter 4 days a month?

Wait and see if her mum sends there. If she does anyway then you can pay some. But I think influencing the decision is mixing with your brother

It’s all very easy to say that this should be decided between the parents, but if they disagree then they disagree. There is no compromise. It’s not like the child can go to the local comp Monday - Wednesday morning then the private school for the rest of the week. One of the parents will inevitably get their own way, and why shouldn’t it be the parent who does by far the most parenting?

It is horrible of the brother to limit opportunities for his own daughter based on what his new wife can afford for her children. He is a selfish, irresponsible excuse for a parent and he deserves to have his wishes ignored.

OP, you and your husband are going a kind, generous thing for your niece, and that is between you and the parent who has her best interests in mind.

Ignore your dickhead of a brother and his wife.

I don’t think any of you are unreasonable. You want to help your niece. He doesn’t want any children in the house to be treated differently. Which is decent of him as a step-dad. But he needs to understand this is a reality of blended families. Sometimes some of the kids have access to more resources.

Well he does get a say but they aren’t going to agree so then what?

If you choose to give your friend money, it’s up to her what she spends it on. If you do it like that, it’s really nothing to do with your brother.

OP, I think you’re doing a really kind thing for your niece, and giving her something that will be with her for life. Ignore your brother - what is important is what is in the best interests of your niece.

Really kind of you. Also tell her to find out if she can use the school fees plan there, as a lone parent I found it helpful as it means you can pay monthly rather than 3 chunky term fees

I actually don't understand why you are inserting yourself in their family in this way. You are making it very clear which 'side' you're on and I would be hurt if I were your brother.

There are other ways to stay close to your niece without paying private school fees when your brother doesn't want his daughter to go to this private school so yes, I think you're being unreasonable.

She’s your niece and your friends child. Yanbu to help her and not step children.

I think it's very kind of you to offer to support your niece through independent school. The extras do indeed bump up the bill. I don't think you should have told your brother though. It's really between you and nieces Mum who will be paying the majority of the fees. Your niece is lucky to have you in her life as it sounds like your brother is a poor father to her.

Wow so generous, wish I had an auntie (and uncle) like you.

So what happens when the fees increase? When the niece wants extra curricular activities and school trips? Are you going to subsidise her for the next 9 years?
That's a big financial commitment, but if you're up for it, fine.
There could be a time when she can't afford the fees at all, so you're going to be liable for a big invoice. Just make sure you're protected.

I would just not mention it to your brother again tbh.
And as per pps, may a portion of the fees to the school.

Of course you talk to the child about it. There are the one who has to go. The child should have the biggest say in where they are educated. (Obviously within reason. The child can’t say “I want to go to Eton” if the parents can’t afford it, the child can’t pass the entrance exam and the child is a girl!)

My two were extensively involved in the decision of what school they went to. Both state and private school options were considered.

For dd there was a spreadsheet and a complex scoring system. She contributed to the factors that we allowed for and what their weighting was.

For ds it was simpler. He said “I absolutely, totally and utterly do not want to go to school on a Saturday.” We said “state it is!” And then we went to all the open days and discussed which one was right for him.

I know it's your niece, but she's your brother's child. It's not your place to decide what's in her best interests, that's for her parents to sort out between them. In my opinion, you should not be getting involved. If you want to offer to help with fees after your nieces parents have decided which school she should go to, that's fine (although you might be setting yourself up for problems down the line - what if fees increase, what if your friend loses her job etc).

But under no circumstances should you be getting involved in a decision that should be between your brother and his ex wife. Unless your niece was in danger/being neglected, which clearly isn't the case here.