AIBU to help pay for my niece's private school fees?

[Changingusernameforthis]

My brother married a woman who is my husbands friend from uni. When she started dating my brother, I got to know her better and she became a close friend of mine. They got married after 5 years together and then had my niece. When my niece was 4 they split up. It was a difficult situation as he was my brother and she was a friend of ours but we got through it.

My brother met someone new very quickly. She had children already who were 4 and 2 when they met. They are now 9 and 7. My niece is now 9.

In a couple of years my niece will be going to secondary school. Her mum would like to send her to the same school as our children went/go to which is a private school but she is concerned the finances are a bit tight. I spoke to my husband and we decided that we would like to offer to pay some money towards our nieces education to make things more comfortable for nieces mum. We spoke to my brother about it and he thinks we can’t possibly do it because he and his partner can’t afford to send her children to private school. We said we didn’t think our niece should miss out because of that and that nieces mum would be funding the majority of it anyway. At a push, she could fund it all herself and she was seriously considering doing that, even with it being tight.

We have spoken to our nieces mum who is really grateful for us helping and our niece is excited about potentially going to the same school as our children.

My brother thinks we are unreasonable but we don’t. My niece only spends every other weekend and some holidays with my brother so it won’t cause any logistical issues with the children getting to school and it won’t be overly obvious to his partners children that there is a difference in schooling as they won’t see it due to the days niece spends with them.

The school has been fantastic for our children and our niece is very similar so we think it will suit her. Are we being unreasonable to help? My husband says we could just say we’ve decided not to help but still help without my brother knowing as it’s between us and nieces mum really, who was my husbands friend before anything else.

While I think step parents should be good to their step children, I can't stand it when they say that if the step children can't have something, then their own children can't, either.

If it makes life easier, just say "OK" to your brother and carry on regardless. I'm sure you can trust your friend to be discreet.

It's your money, do what you want with it.

Additionally, she is your niece. Your brother's stepchildren are NOT your relatives. Presumably they also have a father who could contribute to their schooling if he wanted to/could.

But bottom line - your money your choice.

Wouldn’t it be sensible for the child’s mother to investigate bursary possibilities, first?

Well you're being unreasonable to get between two parents.

This is for them to decide.

If they decide on private then you can contribute.

But until then, it's their business.

I’m not totally sure on the law here but isn’t it slightly irrelevant whether you want to help or not? Would the private school take a child when the father doesn’t consent to them going there?

I think take the "schooling" element out of the equation. Then if you want to give your friend some money each month, that's not your brother's business.

Would he block her going to the school though?

Your money, do as you like with it!
I’d drop the subject with your brother and just carry on regardless if thats your wishes.

My husband says we could just say we’ve decided not to help but still help without my brother knowing as it’s between us and nieces mum really

And this is ridiculous because it's between the PARENTS, not you and your husband.

I don’t think he would officially try to block her from going to the school. If he did, I don’t think he’d get his way if he tried as it’s in my nieces interests to go to the school, her mum can fund it and she is with her mum most of the time.

Definitely do it if you can afford it.

I’m planning to do the same for my niece. I had funds aside to send my own kids to private school but the local one is very academically selective and they didn’t get in but chances are my niece who is super-smart would get in so she can have the money (my sister is single parent and couldn’t afford it)

You're not being at all unreasonable.

The primary carer will be allowed to choose a private school if they wish to.

Your brother's decisions don't seem terribly child centered given that he is prioritising the children he lives with over his daughter who barely sees him.

You're her aunt. He doesn't get to veto your help and input into your niece's life via her primary carer when it's in her best interests.

This is a decision that will probably be going ahead anyway so you just want to make it a little easier rather than materially changing an outcome.

The child's needs come first. Ideally she should go to the school that is the best fit for her. It sounds like her mother is best placed to know what that is.

Regarding your brother I would just say something vague like "we wanted to help X a bit but ultimately it's not our decision where she goes to school and we love you both". And stop there.

A quick Google showed that if he has parental responsibility, then he could stop her going, irrespective of whether your friend could afford it or not/whether it would be good for your DN.

It’s your and your husbands money to do with as you choose

He could try, but I don’t think he’d succeed. I don’t think he would actually try anyway. In future my niece would be told if he did stop her from going there and that may make their relationship worse. He is just annoyed that we would help.

It's highly unlikely that a judge would allow her father to block this move as he's not the primary carer and there is a case to be made for this being the right school for this child. Most of the time a judge will allow the primary carer to make these decisions for the child and will centre the child's interests rather than parental rights. It would be different if it affected contact schedules.

And what is his argument going to be anyway? "I don't want my daughter going to private school because I can't afford to send my new wife's children to a private school." Father of the bloody year, there.

OP, just come to any arrangement you want with you ex-sil and keep it to yourselves. If you choose to give money to your niece then her mother can spend it whatever way she pleases. She can argue with your bother about how it is spent, if she can be arsed.

I agree with this. Let the parents decide between them. I’d have said nothing to your brother until I knew what had been decided between him and the child’s mother.

Ultimately it’s up to you if you spend your money on your niece’s school fees. But more importantly it’s up to both parents (broadly speaking) how and where their children are educated. I wouldn’t get involved in that.

Agree here. It’s not your decision which school she goes to, this is the mum’s battle.

Once it’s been decided/agreed by the parents, crack on and help pay. Personally I’d keep that part to myself, no one needs it know.

If no step children were in the equation, would he want his DD to go to this school? Would he pay half the fees then?

He is probably concerned that his new wife will get wind that his family are financially supporting his ex. This may make her feel less accepted in the wider family, or something like that? As if you favour the ex over her?

I didn’t say I was making the decision. I’m obviously not. We are just helping to make private school an option.

Our nieces mum told us that she was thinking of sending our niece to our children’s school and asked about the extras on top of fees, expressing some concern about affordability. She had already spoken to my brother about it and he said he couldn’t afford to pay any more than he does in maintenance and presumed she would go to local state secondary. He’s never shown much interest in her schooling. She had to move school in year 3 due to bullying and he let our nieces mum deal with it all. His concerns about our niece going to the school are purely based on his step children not being able to go there.

I don’t think he’d care as his only reservations were that his step kids can’t go there. He can’t afford half the fees apparently.

His ‘new’ wife can’t reasonably expect us to fund her children through private school as the children aren’t our nieces and we are only giving my nieces mum part of the fees, not all. If we gave my brother and his wife the same amount, they couldn’t afford the remainder from what he has told us about his finances.

Don’t give her money for the school fees then. Let her pay those. Then you can give them money for something else - you can do what you like with your money.

Your brother wants to see his own daughter deprived of a good opportunity because he and now wife can't provide the same for his step kids while being an uninvolved parent to his own.

You can do as you please with your own money. Given that he's kind of a jerk, I'd give her mom the money and keep it quiet to keep things less confrontational with their co-parenting.

It would have to go back to the family court and the brother would need a very good reason to deny his daughter, given that he wouldn’t be paying, and he only sees her 4 days a month.

What a prince, denying his dd a decent education to please his latest squeeze. 😳

I think it's nice of you to offer and of course this child should get the chance. It could be difficult if her father says no. But she has been deprived of her father by this other family so it's wrong she should miss out.