AIBU to help pay for my niece's private school fees?

[Changingusernameforthis]

My brother married a woman who is my husbands friend from uni. When she started dating my brother, I got to know her better and she became a close friend of mine. They got married after 5 years together and then had my niece. When my niece was 4 they split up. It was a difficult situation as he was my brother and she was a friend of ours but we got through it.

My brother met someone new very quickly. She had children already who were 4 and 2 when they met. They are now 9 and 7. My niece is now 9.

In a couple of years my niece will be going to secondary school. Her mum would like to send her to the same school as our children went/go to which is a private school but she is concerned the finances are a bit tight. I spoke to my husband and we decided that we would like to offer to pay some money towards our nieces education to make things more comfortable for nieces mum. We spoke to my brother about it and he thinks we can’t possibly do it because he and his partner can’t afford to send her children to private school. We said we didn’t think our niece should miss out because of that and that nieces mum would be funding the majority of it anyway. At a push, she could fund it all herself and she was seriously considering doing that, even with it being tight.

We have spoken to our nieces mum who is really grateful for us helping and our niece is excited about potentially going to the same school as our children.

My brother thinks we are unreasonable but we don’t. My niece only spends every other weekend and some holidays with my brother so it won’t cause any logistical issues with the children getting to school and it won’t be overly obvious to his partners children that there is a difference in schooling as they won’t see it due to the days niece spends with them.

The school has been fantastic for our children and our niece is very similar so we think it will suit her. Are we being unreasonable to help? My husband says we could just say we’ve decided not to help but still help without my brother knowing as it’s between us and nieces mum really, who was my husbands friend before anything else.

Absolutely not! You tell the child her options AFTER the parents have decided what her options are, not before. Truly awful parenting to give a child an option which may turn out to not be an option when it is something as huge as their schooling.

You sound horribly interfering.

Do you dislike your brother or something? Siding with his ex is never going to end well. There's nothing wrong with going to state school - you have no reason to intervene here.

That’s such a lovely thing to do, your sister and niece are very lucky to have you.

OP if your brother has another child with his new partner, would you fund a private education for that child?

If your brother’s ex/DN’s mum has another child with a different man, would you help fund that child’s education? If the answer to either of those is “no” then you shouldn’t get involved. Leave it to the two parents to decide and fund.

Personally, I would not be getting myself so involved in someone else's family. This is between your brother, his ex wife and his current wife.
You are just driving a wedge between them all.

I think the decision on what schoolhouse niece goes to needs to made by her parents. They need to work that out.
The mother knows your offer is there, but the parents need to decide what school.is best.

I don't agree what happens to your niece needs to be repeated for her step-siblings.

Wow this is so generous and that’s a lot of money, potentially 100k+? Did you consider setting it aside for your children’s uni fees in future or house deposits etc?

I agree they don’t need to match that offer for the OPs step-children, but she does need to think would they match the offer if her brother has any more children with his new partner? Would they match the offer if her niece’s mum has another child with a different father? (Ie Is the offer because it’s her niece or is the offer because it’s her DHs friends child?)

if for any reason her brother has to take full custody for his dd, would the offer still stand? Would the offer stand if they wanted a different private school? Or this school until 16 then a different one for 6th form? If the offer stands for other schools, either from 11 or from 16, would the OP and her DH expect a say in which school?

Get the mother to pay the fees then you can truthfully say to your brother you won’t pay the fees. You can then fund the extras without mentioning it to him.

I don't think she sounds interfering. Perhaps you're underestimating how much it's possible to love a niece. I'm not impressed with her father. The only thing that matters is what's best for the child and she's not trying to influence that.

This. I’d be really pissed off if it was my child. It’s hard enough to navigate split families without siblings sticking their oar in.

Prioritise your niece, please. Step children are not the same and that’s ok

You can just give money to her mother who knows what she does with it? You're just helping out because her finances are tight and you love your niece.

This is what I thought when reading this. Things could change in your life that make contributing more difficult. And if she has another child then that makes things awkward too.

This kind of situation can lead to resentment quite easily.

Exactly. It's quite odd that you didn't run this by your brother first. I think most parents would be quite annoyed if their own sibling offered this to their ex with no discussion with them.

So what ? The niece’s mother is a long standing friend of the OP and an even longer one of the OP’s DH. It would be bizarre if the OP didn’t favour this friend over the new wife but this isn’t about some imagined competition between 1st and 2nd wives, it’s about the OP wanting to do something for her niece.

This exactly. Contribute money so it's up to her if she spends it on school

Pay for the extras eh uniform, books etc.

It would seem obvious that the mum has primary custody of the 9 year old so, if true, the answer is no - the father does not need to approve - right? I had a similar situation where as a single mother I placed my children in a prep school that I knew would prepare them for life and always be an asset on resumes! They are now in their 50's and always remind me of the value of their prep school in their lives. The husband is being ridiculous!!!

As others have said it's your money and his stepchildren are NOT your relatives.

I don't even get his mentality, so his partner will be upset that you paid for his other daughter's tuition even though they are not his children or your niece or nephew???

Yes absolutely all of this.

The brother appears to have no interest in the child’s schooling and is objecting to the private school on the grounds that his SC won’t be able to go so his partner will be pissed off. The OP and her DH have their niece’s best interests at heart unlike her own father.

@listentoheart I don't know the legalities, but one of my friends sent her children to a private school and has paid all the fees. I think her ex still had to sign some paperwork though.

He likes to give the impression to other people that he's contributing, but he's not!

YANBU What a lovely thing to do for your friend and your niece.

I'd ignore your brother, and do it anyway, and either be honest with him about it, or keep it from him to avoid any future issues (such as him asking you for money if he has a child with this new partner of his).

I think it's unfair of him for his child to not get this opportunity just because his new partner has children who are fathered by someone else!

Good for you & your husband, you sound like a lovely friend and Auntie/Uncle!

It might be worthwhile pointing out to your brother that his daughter is always going to be treated differently than her step mother’s own children who I presume live with him full time.

so there’s the starting point, those kids see him more than his own daughter.

who has the better bedrooms in their house? My guess it would be the children who live there full time.

with the other children’s adult relatives, does your niece receive birthday and Christmas gifts the same as they do?

Does their father buy your niece presents or take her out? I bet your brother certainly does with his wife’s children.

so it is always going to be different for your niece and being a decent parent means we should hope that our children have better opportunities and a future than we had/have.

the above is where I would go with the conversation. If your niece’s mum is happy for you to contribute and you can, good job !