Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

I think your DH needs to remind his DS that until he dies, this money is his to spend as he sees fit, and if SS wants his university life subsidied, then he’s going to have to pull his head out of his arse and treat his father’s family with some respect.

The answer is no. And it's not up for discussion nor will it ever be.

It's for your DH to sort out. Grabby son needs to be reminded how lucky he is. His father has managed the money and assets well for his future benefit, and he doesn't get to question that. He sounds a resentful and entitled young man, was he spoiled?

But where should it stop?

Don’t book a holiday as less money for kids inheritabce
Don’t buy a new car
Don’t invest in wine
no, no new carpets for you

it’s a slippery slope and not how any child should want their parent to live their life.

Only if you think that a child is entitled to every penny from their parent. Spending money on people other than the child is not replacing them.

Demanding to see your parent's finances is not a reasonable request.

I think the grandfather’s trust is a red herring.

The stepson - possibly both step children - simply resent any money spent on the OP’s children.

Where that resentment comes from is the issue to be dealt with. I don’t believe it’s come from the children alone as most kids don’t think about finances like that.

Some other adult in their life has fed this idea about OP’s DH spending ‘family’ money on the OP. Ex wife, grandma, aunty, uncle? Could something have filtered down through a cousin?

DH needs to have a deep conversation with son to find out where this comes from and to clear up confusion about what the difference is between family assets, marital assets and day to day finances.

I think this is for DH to address. Ss has no inheritance until (if its have followed) his father and uncles and aunt all die?

In the mean time DH is entitled to spend his stipend on whatever he likes including his DSC.

Even as an adult DSS isnt entitled to this money or accounts related to it. I think DH should be telling him, its not an inheritance yet and DH will enjoy his money however he sees fit.

I think this is for DH to address. Ss has no inheritance until (if its have followed) his father and uncles and aunt all die?

In the mean time DH is entitled to spend his stipend on whatever he likes including his DSC.

Even as an adult DSS isnt entitled to this money or accounts related to it. I think DH should be telling him, its not an inheritance yet and DH will enjoy his money however he sees fit.

Has something specific triggered this? Is stepson disappointed with the support he’ll be getting for university? Or worried about this new stage of his life in some other way? If so, it’d be helpful to clear that up and lower the emotional temperature.

The OP said in April that she and her ex had been struggling to pay for an overseas school trip for her 11 yo DS, so DH paid for it. 17 yo DSS commented to the 11 yo that he was spending his inheritance. I imagine that is the extent of DSS' financial, legal and moral reasoning.

HNRTT but in the interests of maintaining relationships, your DCS could perhaps -

1. be directed to make whatever enquiries he needs to whoever is int he role of a trustee or who makes the distributions to illustrate the ditinction between the payments made to F1 generation members and that these can presumably properly be spent on living expenses as the DSC's aunt it doing and your DH is doing.

2. speak to your DH and explain why DSC thinks the 'living expenses' distributions made to your DH that may be spent on his DSC and your DCs would then become something that needs to be repaid to DSC after your DH passes. Does his aunt intend to reimburse her children if any for livong expenses. Try and get him to explain how the equivalent of your DH's life interest income in the DGP's estate would need repaying by you. Trying to explain something irrational might help him think again.

Good luck.

My aunty came over and took my daughter to a show. When she was telling her step-sibling about it the immediate question was who had paid.
This person sounds insufferable.
I'd sit them down and lay out the details of how the money works in detail, as you have here, and tell them it is not OK to demand details of every other tiny financial thing your DH does.

I think this covers everything nicely.

SS seems to be confusing his father's income from the FiL's estate (the not-a-trust) and his father's income from his business. SS has no business seeing any details of the latter. I assume his father could show expenses for himself and his children which equate to the income from the not-a-trust but it is cheeky of the SS to ask for this. Also, it's currently the father's money and he can spend it how he wants anyway.

If your husband isn’t siphoning off money, he should not have any trouble showing all interested parties copies of the accounts. The best way to handle these things is without attaching emotion to them. Keep the books open and transparent. Treat it like the simple matter of accounting that it is.

I have a similar setup from my mother that constrains my father. My father chafes at the arrangement too.

This sounds like manosphere bullshit, OP. Who does he think he is? And please don’t feed this nonsense by using words like “subsidise”-do not downplay your role in your marriage.

Tell him to do one.

Can’t help but feel that if OP were a man the thread would have turned on OP rather than the stepson. And yes I do agree that it’s none of his business how his dad spends his income. I couldn’t imagine asking my parents about their spending and I’m nearing 50. Doesn’t mean that seeing your dad play happy families and splash the cash on a very lucky OP and her kids isn’t going to hurt and cause worry that she’s going to get a lot. Plenty of threads warn those with kids and assets to be careful of their kids losing out to the new partner. Yes I know the inheritance / trust assets are protected, what about anything else? I think of half the posters who had a parent leave a decent inheritance to a relatively new on scene partner they would be miffed/ hurt even if they acknowledged it’s not their business.

This reminds me of when after dh and I got married, ss sent a message to his dad disapprovingly listing our expensive wedding venue, our honeymoon and the new car dh had bought himself.

Hmmmmm so he will inherit a substantial amount in due course and is quibbling over anything spent on your children.

Id be inclined to make a spreadsheet showing what had been spent on him and deducted from his share.

The will and its rights only involve the beneficiaries at the time. Your husband is more than entitled to leave his share of "the trust" to you and then you leave it to your children.

This.

His kids are money grabbing gobshites. Get your husband to draw up a will and cut them off nasty little sods. It is clear to see that all they care about is what they can get out of him - absolutely disgusting. I have an SIL like that.

Why would this be the end of his relationship with his children? You say he'd never cut ties, so you're saying the 18 year old would?

😳 Well I would kick the bottom of his ladder and sit him on his arse a bit quick.
Nothing like money to bring out the worst in people sadly.

Don’t be ridiculous. DH doesn’t owe his son open accounting, it’s none of his business.

Your example is a completely different scenario.

I think your SS doesn't understand how the trust works.

Your DH gets an income from it while he lives, which will have been fixed or index linked. He can choose to spend that however he likes - hopefully your shared DC and the SDC are treated equally.

Whatever is left in the trust will be split amongst the SDC when your husband dies.

Until that point, your SDC have no interest in it, or in your husband's income or how he chooses to spend it.

They will hopefully inherit an equal share with your shared DC of whatever you have agreed 'belongs' to your husband only, when he dies.

Your own DC will have 'your' property split between them equally.

OP has made it clear that it's the latter. This kid is clearly entirely selfish and irrational. If his dad comes down hard, he might well decide to go LC/NC with his dad, even though he's the one in the wrong. And his dad will be heartbroken.