Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

I now think the whole asset thing is a red herring. Because he’s asking about who is paying for what when OP’s DD is taken out by her aunt. This speaks to a preoccupation with what OP’s children are getting and who pays, apparently regardless of him wanting for nothing.

Firstly I wouldn’t get directly involved, that will just make it worse.

secondly I’m wondering what the precursor was to this request - did Dss ask his dad to pay in full for university and was told no because he had you to consider? Did the exw presume your dh would fund university even? I can’t believe it came out of nowhere and my suspicion is university could be a factor, was he told he must get loans?

Oof, this thread is quite the ride. I think:

1. The stepchild (I don't think you've said which sex, but I'm going to go with the majority and assume male, because otherwise it's confusing) is still very young. He's more than likely to grow out of this, but does need the firm but fair explanation others have suggested about why he is not entitled to audit his father's spending.
2. No, he shouldn't be told to fuck off or deprived of any inheritance his father does control. That is not how good parents deal with their children, even when said children are being idiots.
3. Being a child of a "first family" (as I am) can lead to insecurity- it probably wouldn't hurt to think about why he might feel this way and what further reassurance, support and maybe just attention your DH could provide, would it OP?
4. That said, it is absolutely for your DH to resolve it- not you. If you get involved, you are accepting the premise that it's his business.
5. I think people are over-reacting to your comment about whether their relationship can recover- you're clearly not talking about DH abandoning him.
6. At the same time, your DH is over-reacting too- if entitled 18-year-old behaviour were insurmountable, wouldn't most of us be estranged from our parents?! I'd be telling DH to calm down and remember he's the actual grown-up.
7. You've said repeatedly that you don't think your stepchild's mother is behind it- not sure why several PPs have missed this. Cherchez la femme, I suppose.
8. Maybe a mad idea, but is there any role he could be given in looking after the assets? Might make him feel he's got some input and actually give him something to focus on that isn't sniping at what your kids get? Obviously if it's overseas bank accounts rather than rental properties here, not so much.

I don't think the stepchild is 'going without'. Their father also takes them on expensive holidays, will support them through uni etc. And the terms of the grandfather's not-quite-trust means that his biological grandchildren are guaranteed to inherit one day - as with all inheritances they just have to wait patiently until their own parent dies.

She’s the OP's husband’s sister. Her father already died, leaving her the income that’s split with her brothers.

I think your husband needs to remind his son that income he has on top of his earnings, is his inheritance from his dad and nothing to do with his son.

His son may have two inheritances, a guaranteed one from his grandfather and perhaps one from his dad depending as it does for everyone, on how the economy and his savings pan out with retirement, care fees etc.

Wow. Perhaps your Husband should police every cent the son spends as it should be saved for his future kids and their inheritance.

"You've said repeatedly that you don't think your stepchild's mother is behind it- not sure why several PPs have missed this. Cherchez la femme, I suppose." The OP also posted a few months ago that the mother had messaged saying that every time he spends money on the OP's children he is affecting his own children's future...

Sorry too late to edit but I got it wrong. Grandparents have already passed. Their children have a life interest in the income. The grandchildren get the remainder once their parents die.

I agree with others who seem to be saying that the sons point is that when dad dies his widow has to "pay back the estate" for anything spent on her and her children which is a much wider issue than just the asset/income. Absolutely no legal merit in it either.

I think your husband needs a frank conversation with him. Being an adult doesn’t entitle you to know your dad’s financial affairs. There’s no trust. He may inherit something it’s dh’s decision.
I suspect there’s been misinformation perhaps fuelled by mum that that’s a trust and he won’t need student loans.
He should be honest with ds that he is disappointed in how he has approached this.
I’d stay out of it.
Your husband financially helping him at uni is between him and his son. It sounds like he is helping.

There are some really hard of understanding posters out today OP, it seems clear to me, you are having to keep repeating yourself so many times!

But I don't see how this can be resolved unless SS would respond to a clear conversation with his dad.

Think @Greenhairedmonstor people have misinterpreted your comment where i think you meant that DH fears that the DSS may sever the relationship.

I am also going to hazard a guess that the ex-wife has been in DSS’s ear.

Your DH needs to sit down and explain:

that the money he [DH] receives at the moment from the quasi trust is HIS to do with as he wishes, whether that be on hookers and cocaine, following the barmy army on tour, or on his complex blended family is his business

that the money from the underlying asset is unaffected and that he, the brother and cousins will receive their share as set out in the will.

that the money DH receives from the trust - his money - is naturally intermingled with income from his business, your money, and likely money provided by your DCs father. Ie that there is no separation of funds and apportionment that even a forensic accountant could untangle… because the money your DH receives is his. In law and in fact.

that aside from a provision for his wife upon his death - which he is entitled to make for you as a wife of potentially many decades by that point - any inheritance that DSS is due to receive from DH is unaffected. That step children have no rights of inheritance unless specifically named. And, should he so chose to leave them a little something in 30-40 years time, that is also his right as it would be HIS property and his right to leave it as he wishes, just as DSS’s mother can do the same with her estate.

And lastly, that there is absolutely no right in law that any one, adult or otherwise, may scrutinise the private financial affairs of another adult family member and the fact that he has asked he both rude and deeply hurtful. Should he wish to be supported by DH whilst at university, he might want to go away and think about that and come back with an apology because DH is struggling to cope with the level of betrayal and mistrust his DS is showing him.

I have some sympathy with your SS (although he has clearly approached things in an immature way).

Firstly, having this trust where assets are ultimately going to be left to him, but with a lifetime interest for your DH - does he really understand how that works? Has anyone ever explained it to him? If he is named in the trust (which presumably he is, even if it's just as a "descendent of DH" then he should understand what that will mean for him in later life. Does he understand the difference between the assets themselves and the money they generate currently? I have exactly this situation, whereby assets have been left to me, but someone else has a lifetime interest, and it was quite important to me to understand it all (and the tax implications)....but then again I'm 59 and approaching retirement. Trusts can be really complicated! Particularly when you are 18 and probably have a very simplistic view of the world.

Secondly, there are all sorts of feelings to grapple with when you are part of a blended family (again, speaking from personal experience). Particularly if there is a hint of unfairness - you become very sensitive to it. This needs to be dealt with in an understanding way - just shutting him down will reinforce his fears.

But it's definitely your DH's problem to sort out, not yours.

I don't understand why your DH doesn't just tell him that he spends his money how he wishes, and DSC's inheritance will be whatever it is (and to wind his neck in). No need for that to be relationship-ending surely?

Ok so your stepson is being rude and unreasonable... but he is young and I imagine this is his clumsy way of telling his father that he's struggling with having a blended family.

He might legally be an adult, but he's watching his dad living with other children and playing happy families with them. That's a difficult pill to swallow.

I'd advise your husband to spend some time with him alone and to reassure him that he and his biological sibling will always be his top priority (just as I'm sure your children are your priority), and whilst he cares about his stepchildren, they will never replace his own children.

Love this description of the DSS!

How watertight is the estate being left to just the SC? I wonder if another relative either has better knowledge or perhaps misinterpreted and it turns out the estate will go to the DH’s children and grandfather hadn’t thought to future proof subsequent marriages and more children being added into the mix. Maybe DH’s estate will actually have to split between his 2 birth children AND 2 step-children ? Or maybe he’s just pissed off his father Isn’t willing to support him through university but is spending his inheritance on his stepchildren. Either way, it’s an outlandish request, but a very obvious sign that stepson feels sidelined

Your husband’s son has no right to know about his finances, whether there is a stepmother involved or not.

Me and my husband have children together who are young adults, if they ever enquired into our finances the answer would be no because it’s not their business.

Well it's a fairly brutal way of looking at it but it's correct, he is. The more money he spends on kids that aren't his, the less he has for his own kids.

I'm pretty sure there is a mindset on here that people should do as much as possible to ringfence their inheritance for their own kids. It doesn't seem surprising to me that someone would want to protect their own kids future.

Meanwhile if I understand it correctly the stepkids he is spending money on effectively get funded by two fathers (?) The step father and their actual father whose contribution hasn't been mentioned so far.

How much money there is here makes a difference to me. If there is a lot then it seems greedy to try to grab more. If there is less then maybe more understandable.

This is really very simple. Your step son has no right to ask his father anything as regards finances, and has no right to see anything. So a firm NO is what is needed. Your husband may spend his own income and the income earned from the assets left by the grandfather as he sees fit. Including paying for holidays and gifts for your children.

The step son will inherit the assets of the 1/4 share the grandfather left when all 4 of the grandfather's children die. I presume there was a will or trust document. This can be shared with the step son.

The key bits are:

• My husband cannot deplete any assets.
• He can however, use any money generated as he sees fit.

The 18 year old is a cheeky monkey. As long as your husband doesn't deplete the assets there should not be a problem. 18 year old can be told to seek legal advice is he's not happy with the refusal of your husband to divulge his private business affairs. If he were my child I might be sufficiently annoyed to not give him anything from my estate (I presume your husband has his own assets which have nothing to do with the assets from the grandfather).

Well, to look at it from the DSS's pov for a moment:
(and yes I do agree that their demand is unreasonable and inappropriate)

It must be quite hard to see your Dad, who has not been a f/t live in parent since the parental split, set up home with other younger children who do live with him most of the time except when at their own dad (EOW? Part of the hols?)

Children of first families frequently and often lose out on on inheritance when their Dad re-marries. Many of my friends have seen their dad's assets go solely to a younger second wife who then has NOT honoured the first children in her will, including in one case having inherited all the maternal inheritance from a deceased first wife).

And the truth is that he is supporting your children (to a degree)

Worry about this is likely to feed into feelings invoked by watching a new family take shape under your Dad's roof.

What was your DH's relationship with them like before?

I would look at de-escalating this, rather than cutting anyone off or spending all the assets as revenge etc.

I think he should meet up with them both and talk about how they are feeling.

And be honest that his relationship with you is making him happy, while as his own children, they will always be first and foremost the focus of his unconditional love.

Share with them the facts: That they WILL inherit the capital from the asset that FIL left. That will happen irrespective of his own Will. Tell them that he will be leaving his share of assets to them (I hope this is true?) and your children ate not in his Will, but that there may be a Life Interest (or whatever - if there is) that allows you to stay in the house after his death - because the house half belongs to you (if it does)

And say that you are both earning, both have your own property and it isn't reasonable for them to police his day to day spending and financial affairs.

It's not unusual for parents to inform their Dc of the direction of their Will.

They haven't behaved well, but I think a degree of resentment and insecurity is understandable and your DH can address this and calm the down.

18 year olds often get ahead of themselves in terms of what they think is reasonable - 'don't be daft' is a reasonable response.

Yes - OP has said she is independently wealthy, and her children have an involved actual father - why the hell would OP's husband pay for her child's ski trip!

I'm team bio son(s) here. He is no doubt at the end of his tether seeing his father playing happy families with kids who aren't his, I would bet his children have less because of it. Less time, less effort, less care, less money. He's possibly latched on to the finances as it is a clearer way to see the divide.
I see this all the time with men on their second families. I always feel sorry for thr children of the first marriage. They are mostly if not always hard done by.

The assets will pass to the OP’s husband’s children AND the children of his siblings.

So multiple eventual beneficiaries.

Chances are the SS and a cousin have been discussing their eventual inheritance and the reality of things has got mangled along the way.

Regardless the income is for the OP’s husband to spend as he wishes.

Do you have any ideas where your SS has got the idea that his inheritance is being diminished? Obviously, it won't bc the capital remains intact. Does he understand that only the capital (which is fixed and can't go up or down) goes to him, the income belongs to his Dad.

Does SS have a particular concern, ie. that he won't get enough share of the income to support him through Uni, or fund a year off, or a business start up? Does he think the money is being 'frittered' rather than spent on things that improve/transform your (his) lives?

Obvs, it's it's within his father's gift to decide how he spends the income as it belongs to him, and that needs to be very clearly explained. You could even get an independent 3rd party to explain this to him if SS thinks he's being short-changed. Does the trust have a solicitor that could do this?

This !!! Just wow

Sure he is. And his bio child is entitled to feel he has been replaced and respond accordingly.