Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

I think your husband can and should tell his child to mind their own business. The asset left to the grandchildren is intact (presumably appreciating in value) and the income generated is your husband's to spend as he pleases which could include investing it and bequeathing it to whoever he likes or spending it on cars and cocaine. I would explain this to the SS and tell him he will have no further information about your husband's financial affairs because it really isn't any of his business.

Your SS seems very entitled and greedy which means he's unlikely to flounce if he thinks he might lose inheritance from your husbands assets. It's hurtful to your husband but if he doesn't make a stand now he could find himself having to explain to his child about every penny he spends for the rest of his life. His son is young so hopefully he will mature but right now he seems like an obnoxious little shit.

There is more going on here. I don’t think it’s as straightforward as calling SS a CF.
he obviously resents his fathers new wife and her children. Specifically all of the attention and money they receive from his father. Which he presumably he feels should be for him and his brother alone. This has been festering for a while I would say.
he is going to uni now and wants to know where he stands financially- does he have money to self finance uni entirely, can he buy a flat or does he need to rent, does a need a student loan etc

18yo is being staggeringly rude. He needs to understand that your husband can do whatever he likes with his money, both in life and in death if you're in England.

This is exactky wht I would say to the entitled 18y old. He needs a reality check.

It’s coming from a place of jealousy and insecurity. Your DH needs to have a calm conversation with his son.

This convinced me that there’s a third party in play - 17 year old don’t talk about someone spending their inheritance. That’s some very odd phrasing that’s come from someone else.

‘Stepson wants to see finances and money spent on siblings’

I want to see the Great Wall of china and take a trip to the moon…

…there is a lot in life that we may want but wanting something doesn’t necessarily mean we can actually have it!

his dad needs to tell him that his spending is ab absolutely none of his business and to wind his little entitled neck back in.

OP - It sounds as if jealousy and bitterness about money being used to support your children has been going on for a while. (theatre tix incident et al)

This is an emotional issue, not just financial grabbinesss and your DH could have addressed it with his Dc earlier. But now is the time. to talk to them about their role in his life , will always support them, will not be leaving all his assets to you and your kids, yes, there may be a certain amount of mix and match about how the two of you spend money - but if he wasn't settled with you maybe he would be squandering all his cash on Porsches and gambling.

Has their Mum got a new partner?

Have you ever 'treated' them? Gone out for a meal as a family and they've seen you pay for their share? Bought them a birthday / Xmas present just from you / your dc? Given them a helping hand towards getting kitted out for Uni? (taken them to Ikea, bought them a wok?) i.e do they have any idea that the money flows in different directions, not just from their dad to you and yours?

What is your relationship with them like?

The Son hasn’t asked for details of the accounts for the asset. Those could indeed be open and transparent.

He's asked for his Dad’s personal spending. Which is not generally something people share with others.

No, I don't think she has been clear, or at least not explicit. There's talk of conflict and all that but I haven't seen anywhere where she's said the teenager has actually threatened to cut ties if this isn't done.

On a side point, I really dislike all the abusive name calling of an 18 year old from various posters.

I think that is what it sounds like.

And it is hard to know with only the vague description of "like a trust but not a trust" but if it is a trust, the terms of the deed and the settlor's intentions will be decisive.

And even if the father is a beneficiary, that can come with strings attached as to what the funds are intended for.

The boy isn't wrong that his Grandfather's intentions should be honoured - and it isn't a stretch to think the terms don't provide for step-children to benefit.

People are quick to call someone a spoilt brat - especially if they are a "trustafarian - but I actually think it would be as bad for him to see his grandfather's arrangement not being honoured correctly.

But is impossible to say anything decisively without more detail.

It sounds like for some reason your step child believes that you are with his Dad for money. I can’t imagine why else he would be asking who paid for show tickets, school trips etc
Your DH needs to explain to his DC that they have no entitlement to any money from the trust fund until he himself passes away.
Any financial information isn’t anyone else’s business until then, when the assets are sold and the proceeds split between all the children.
Whilst your DH Ex may not be ‘egging’ her child on, I do wonder what the narrative is from her…
I have a step Mother and Step siblings, I have no idea how they work finances in my Fathers household.. ie if he contributes to her kids/grandkids or if they only fund their own families presents etc
It’s none of my business and I can’t imagine why a child would feel so entitled as to ask to go through a parents finances whilst they have capacity etc
By being with your DH you may have nicer holidays etc then you would have alone etc but surely that’s the same in any marriage, one person does usually have more income/asset's especially second time around.
I don’t think it has to be the end of their relationship, your DH just needs to be honest
“Fred, i’m not sure why you feel entitled to my financial information, on my death the trust fund will be dissolved and the proceeds split between you and your sibling and your cousins.
Your Step Mum has property etc of her own which are also none of your concern , and how we work our finances is no ones business except ours.
If you are concerned about how you are going to manage at uni, shall we sit down and do a spreadsheet together so we can list your income, grants, allowance and what your expenditures will be because I’m concerned that you’re feeling under financial pressure”

@Greenhairedmonstor I just looked back at your April thread that a PP referee to and you mention that your DH’s ex wife specifically said to him that she feels any money spent on your children is money taken away from her children.

She is the source of this resentment your SS is feeling.

Your DH needs to have a conversation - probably several - with his son explaining that day to day income and spending is not his inheritance.

OP's husband cannot siphon money from his father's legacy to the grandchildren. The legacy is a protected asset which generates income. The asset was left to FIL's grandchildren and the income to his children. OP's husband is spending his income and inheritance not his child's.

You say you have an income from a rental (do you work?) and that your dc have a father, so why did your Dh pay for your child’s ski trip? I can understand your dss feeling resentful therefore. Presumably your Dh is supporting him financially to got to uni and he has no right to ask to see his dad’s finances, that is outrageous. This whole ‘end of the relationship’ is overly dramatic, but your dss sounds very resentful of money being spent on your dc, but that’s your DH’s choice. Would he object to money being spent on anything your Dh buys?

We inherited money from FiL, not you.

I'm not certain (without further detail) that that is in fact the case.

To me it sounds as though the grandchildren are in fact the primary beneficiaries and the father has an annuity.

Agreed he is being awful.

Wow, my kids are all in their 20s and I can't imagine them ever asking to see our finances.
What arrogance.

It sounds to me like the 18 year old has a poor understanding of the situation. Am I right @Greenhairedmonstor that essentially there’s an asset that will eventually be sold off and the grandchildren will benefit, and in the meanwhile there’s some income from the asset/business which goes to your husband and his siblings?

If I’m right then the only way that stepson has any potential of getting hold of that income is if his dad chooses to save it and then leaves it to him. If that’s the case I think dad needs to patiently explain that and also explain that yes he sometimes spends money on your kids, but most of it goes on ordinary living expenses and of course a lot on his own children. If he wasn’t married to you he might be spending that money on another girlfriend, or lots of expensive dates, a football seaso ticket, or taking a belated gap year or in fact whatever he likes. Your stepson needs to be disabused of the idea that his dad’s money is his while his dad is still alive.

I can’t help wondering if your stepson spends too much time online and has absorbed misogynistic ideas about women using men for their money.

There are two different things going on here.

As Baroness says, if there are assets held in some sort of trust with the children having a lifetime interest and it then passing to the grandchildren after the death of the children, then the grandchildren can ask the Trustees about the trust itself.

Are the children also the Trustees of the trust or are the Trustees separate? Eg maybe solicitors?

So DSS can ask the Trustees about what assets are held by the trust and what distributions have taken place to the children.

.

However, what he is not entitled to in any way at all is:

"... they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies."

What happens to the money once the Trust has given it to an individual child is purely down to that child - they can spend the money how they like.

A son demanding that his father account for money he spent on his second family and for that then to be reclaimed from the second wife is really just totally bizarre.

The 18yo is an entitled brat and your DH needs to shut him down immediately. "No son, I will not be discussing my finances with you now or ever, do not ask again. It is my money and I could leave it all to the local cats home if I wanted to, I could blow it all on back to back cruises if I wanted to, basically I can do what I want with it and it is none of your business".

It probably is driven by his mother, who resents money spent on your DC, and she has instilled this into him.

I do know what you mean to an extent. But demanding to know exactly how much money someone has spent on their own children is way way beyond reasonable.

Nobody has the right to access another person's private financial information or start some kind of amateur forensic accounting mission in order to establish if they feel they've been given 'what they deserve'.

And turning 18 makes someone an adult legally but not emotionally. It certainly doesn't make them financially responsible. Or entitled to know how someone else chooses to spend their money.

Could you imagine demanding one of your parents handed over their bank accounts and statements from the last two decades simply because you happened to have turned 18?!

No they don’t have all of their needs and wants met. I can guarantee you that like most children what they really want is for their mum and dad to live together and be a family.

So when your DH does something nice for your children it hurts because that is time/money/attention that they feel should be theirs. It doesn’t actually matter if they have £100000 a year spent on them inside they are still a little kid who is worried that dad loves someone else better.

I personally think your DH should talk to him and explain all about the trust and the money involved in it. After all isn’t it a parent’s responsibility to teach their kids about finance.

1. Being a child of a "first family" (as I am) can lead to insecurity- it probably wouldn't hurt to think about why he might feel this way and what further reassurance, support and maybe just attention your DH could provide, would it OP?

Especially when it seems the money has been provided by the DSS's grandfather, who clearly had an intention to pass his estate down to the grandchildren's generation. He needs - and is right to ask for - reassurance that that intention is being properly honoured.

I'm 63 and wouldn't dream of asking my DF about his finances. DSis has an idea as she helped with the inheritance ISA when DM died, but we would never discuss it.