Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

I would be very pissed off if I were the grandparent that my son was subsidising his wife's children who aren't my blood, and my actual grandchild is going without. I can see his point.

This doesn't seem complicated at all to me.

DH firmly tells SK that his finances are not his business and he's not dead yet so the inheritance is not his concern.

If he asks again he can tell him not be so bloody cheeky and end the conversation.

people are saying that my DH is contemplating severing ties with his children. He would be horrified by this . He adores his children.

You said ‘My husband is really upset and thinks this is the end of their relationship‘.

What did you mean by this and why are you now back tracking?

Your attitude has child estrangement tactics written all over it.

Jesus, I'd be tempted to get a lock on my bedroom door.

i dont really understand what is going on so maybe the ss feels the same and just needs it explained to him?

presumably that the income generated is the boys fathers to spend as he sees fit.

that it’s the money from the inevitable sale of the assets that he and his brothers/cousins etc get a share of. ie providing the assets are kept in good condition ss’s share of the property is safe and not being eroded and he will receive it in due course. hes entitled to nothing just now per the will.

Well quite. It ain’t SS’s money if it’s his dad’s income. I suppose he is only 18 but he sounds a bit ridiculous. Why would a child expect their inheritance while their parent is still alive? Very odd.

Well it doesn't have to be, that's a, tad dramatic.

Jeff, the moeny in my bank is mine to spend on your and your brother and whoever else I choose. I will not be opening up my bank account to anyoens scrutiny, not even your grandfather! The only thing you need to know is when I die, you and your brother will inherit and whilst I'm alive I continue to support your mother in raising you and your brother". Risne and repeat and change the subject.

Has your DH sat down with his ex and worked out how they are both going to financially support their DC through university? The inheritance/family trust issues are hopefully a long way off but I'm wondering if your SS was expecting more support from your DH when he starts uni hence the disappointment of the amount he's actually going to receive has prompted this unpleasantness?

Agreed.

I'm fast approaching 60 and only know a little about my elderly parent's finances now because one of them is self-funding in a nursing home. If it weren't for that, I still would have zero information about their financial situation.

This 18 year old needs to understand basic good manners - which include not enquiring, far less demanding, about others' finances.

What a money grabbing little shit. It’s his dad’s money. He could take it all out of the bank and burn it note by note if he wanted to, and it would be nothing to do with his son!

I disagree in part. Not that he's necessarily entitled to the money, but that he's not entitled to an explanation.

Entitled is perhaps the wrong word, but I think that a bit of simple transparency about how inherited finances work in a family where there are a lot of assets coming is no bad thing.

I have received significant lump sums from inherited shared family property, and now I need to work out from scratch the best way to manage them because "nobody talks about finances".

Don't get me wrong, part of that conversation can be, "how I spend my income from this is none of your business", but a bit of a chat about how it works is surely a good idea?

This won't have come from nowhere. Your husband's son clearly feels hard done by, and for all we know that is perfectly valid. That your husband pays for your son's ski trip may sting, if the actual son hasn't had such things, and even if he has, I'd still feel that my father is spending money on a child who isn't his. It's also likely that the actual son doesn't live with the father and OP, whilst OP's kids DO - that will sting enormously.

I have every sympathy for the son. And as for cutting him out of the will for daring to ask - yuck. He is still so young. And as I said, this won't have come from nowhere. I don't think this is so much about the grandfather's legacy, as what his own father spends on other people as opposed to him.

Lucky you OP, and your kids - you seem to have landed on your feet.

This

As a PS, my parents sprung being POA on me and my husband when we were visiting - if I'm ever called upon to enact that, I will be completely at sea as to how their finances are structured!

You could say that about the OP and her dependants 😂😂

I don't think you get it. The interest from the estate is his to do whatever he wants with, lose gambling, spend on fast cars, anything.

When DS was 17 you said he made a comment about this school trip for you son being a case of spending his inheritance and that his mother messaged your husband saying that every time he spends on your children he is affecting his children's future. Your children are younger, not blood-related.Your DS has no bond to your children and clearly resents them. They did not want them attending a family wedding. They do not want a penny spent on you and your children which is why he wants to keep a log and take it back when his dad dies.

DH needs to talk to his son very patiently and clearly about how much he loves him, how his children are his priority but no one has a right to DH's earnings, none of you, and no one can predict the future so it is best not to rely on the idea of inheritance because that path leads to disappointment and a waste of time and energy. As it is he is very lucky to have his grandfather's legacy coming to him. Anything else is a total unknown but he will always be there as much as he can in terms of love and support (and he needs to mean that) but makes no financial promises other than not to act unfairly towards his children. This will not be solved with one conversation and your DH would also do well to try to calmly reason with his ex and persuade her to stop fuelling the flames.

Same. I've never known anything about my parents' finances. When they did give me some money towards my housing deposit they were very insistent on sending any paperwork directly to the solicitors so we didn't see any bank statements.

They recently let slip that they are in a position where we'll be paying substantial IHT and I tentatively suggested that if they were to pay off our mortgage and give the same to my brother now, that would be less than the IHT we'll pay if they don't, and make a huge difference to our lifestyles but they shut me down straight away.

you could have said that you needed to think about it or asked questions about financial structures first?

@Greenhairedmonstor
Ah, so it seems there's 2 things at play here. There's the grandfather's not-quite-trust, whereby stepchild will definitely inherit their share of the asset - one day.

That is straightforward to explain. Stepchild has no entitlement to see anything of your dh's income or how he spends it.

Then there's the ongoing resentment that your dh's current spending, including on you and your children, is depleting your dh's own savings / investments and that when he does eventually die there may be less left for stepchild. This needs a more subtle approach. Stepchild needs to grasp that without the benefit of a trust arrangement, there is never a guarantee that there will be anything to inherit. Your dh could spend it all on fast cars, he could have it invested and the stock market could crash, his business could go bankrupt, or if your dh needed residential care in his old age that could seriously eat into any savings.

How is your current home financed / owned? Does it pass to you if your dh died, or do you have a life-rent trust or similar? Or do you have no share in it? Perhaps your dh could re-assure his child that his will and the basis on which he owns property will ensure that his capital will be protected where possible. For most people their home is their most substantial asset, spending on a ski holiday or theatre trip now will pale into insignificance by comparison.

If stepchild's resentment and bitterness is based on jealousy of their father's time or attention, it is understandable. If it is based on their dad spending income now and having less inheritance to pass on (to someone who already has a guaranteed inheritance) then it is very grabby.

I would be very pissed off if I were the grandparent that my son was subsidising his wife's children who aren't my blood, and my actual grandchild is going without.

What is the grandchild going without?

And the dh/son has an income from his own business which is nothing to do with the grandfather's legacy. If he chooses to spend some of that on his dsc, it's none of his son's business.

Firstly, this sounds like a lovely DSF. He’s treating his step children well as he obviously cares for them, and he’s own kids are not deprived of a thing because of it.
If the books are opened to tally up what has been spent on his DSC, it’s the thin end of the wedge.

Trip to the Canaries was it? Should have gone to Skegness.
White fillings? Metal will do for you, you can’t spend my inheritance on that!
Ohhh the weekly shop was from M&S? Lidl not good enough for you?
You spent HOW MUCH on jewellery to mark you and SMs wedding anniversary????? 😱😱😱😱

Yes. He's coming for you OP.
He's saying that he wants YOU to pay back any money from any benefit you get from your husbands will if he dies.. meaning accounting for how much your DH spends on your children who live with him (which could include their "share" of things like utility bills for eg) and he wants that amount from your inheritance paid back to him because he thinks you and your children do not deserve anything.
If he thinks like that now, imagine whqt he would be like when he's older. Especially as your DH is saying the relationship is over.

So you need a lawyer to make sure that you are protected and cannot be charged retrospectively for shared living expenses with your husband.

Dont talk to DSS about this.

Since he approached DH... DH should send him a legal letter, pointing out what DH's legal rights are for the record... but should also tell DSS that he is happy to speak to him and he should try and build bridges/get through to this boy.

DSS doesn't have the right to dictate what DH should have in his own will and I'm pretty sure a lawyer would say that he doesn't have the right to take money out of your inheritance from DH. He would have to sue you first anyway. But perhaps he needs to see that in black and white.

Someone has put him up to this.

Unless the not-trust has terms which oblige DH to account to his children for how the income is spent, or obliges him to spend it only in certain ways then the son isn't entitled to demand the details. The income is free for DH to spend on what he pleases.

His children will, on their grandparents deaths inherit the assets AND income from the assets. What is the concern of the son? That DH isn't properly maintaining the assets (if he is obliged to do so)? Or because he thinks DH has a moral obligation not to spend the income on anyone but the direct beneficiaries?

DH can just say no, I don't have to show you.

Apropos of nothing in particular SIL might be up shit creek when her parents kick the bucket and her passive income is suddenly cut off. Has she got a plan?

Where is he going without?
The husband has his own income as well as this trust thing. He is entitled to spend his money on his wife and her children if he so chooses. Same as in any blended family.