Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

If your DH moves in with another woman who has her own kids, I doubt you’d be happy with your own suggestion!

I think it’s a bit extreme that your DH is already contemplating the end of a relationship with his child over this. He’s 18, not 20 or 38. He clearly still needs teaching about relationships, marriages, the value of money, priorities in life.

It’s all unreasonable of your DH to fear a backlash when answering his son’s request. Of course there’s going to be pushback, seeing as the boy had the cojones to ask in the first place. And? Who’s the parent in the room?

Theres something fatalistic and doom-laden about this as you describe it. It’s a rude and stupid question that was asked, which shouldn’t have come as a surprise given the boy is obviously worried about his inheritance. He just needs putting back in his place, that’s all. To be told what’s what and who is who, who calls the shots, what money is for and so on and so forth, including perhaps that if he continues down this arrogant path of thinking he’s entitled to wealth because of the sperm-based component of his DNA he may find out he gets none at all!

I’m not expecting DH to do that, it would be awful. I’m just saying he should remind his son that he is entitled to nothing and anything that he is given is up to whether DH chooses to allow him to inherit. He needs to learn respect for his dad and for OP

The more I think about this the more I’m inclined to see your stepson’s concerns tbh.

How do you know the OP deserves respect? We have absolutely no idea of her relationship with her stepchildren.
She isn’t coming across as overly bothered if her DH cuts all ties with his biological children.

For all the posters berating the stepchildren, that could be any of your own children if your husbands moved in with another woman who has her own children.

The stepson is also looking out for his younger brother.

I would tell him he is very rude and showing his ignorance of adult behaviour requirements. He is young, stupid and rather entitled.

This has the makings of a vile family dispute over money .

Just make sure the DSS doesn't suggest you husband gives him lasting power of attorney. Otherwise it will be a real nightmare. Make sure you have made wills as well.

It’s obviously not okay for him to ask to see his dad’s finances, but stepfamilies are complicated. When men remarry, they often take on the new family as their own, and I can see how, when there’s a lot of money involved, that could easily become a source of bad feeling. I’m not sure what can be done about it but my advice would be to stay out of it yourself. You and your children will be a big source of resentment here.

Your DH should respond by making clear to the spoilt little shit that the inheritance will be split between his biological and step children and if s/he doesn’t like it, then they get nothing.

My step siblings were disinherited by my stepfather for their shitty attitude to my mum over a long period of time (their mum is wealthy though). He told them about it at the time and wrote an explanatory letter with his will.

Maybe start with some sympathy for the stepson. An intelligent 18 year old can see the way the world is and knowing what family resources are likely to be available to him will affect how he plans his time at uni.

Does he need to look for a part time job for pure financial reasons? What are the constraints on rent? Does he need to be looking at non-standard arrangements like being a lodger or the commercial house-sitting thing for cheaper accommodation? A long time ago it was a reasonable investment for a wealthy parent to buy a house for the student adult to live in with housemates in the second and third years - I don't know if that works financially now or is the sort of thing the stepson's parents could afford to do.

Does he need to learn to drive? Buy a car? Would he be better taking a course with a year in industry? Or taking a gap year to earn some money before going to uni?

Does he need help to open an ISA / other savings account or to buy shares (in an ISA)? He probably should open a Lifetime ISA with a small sum.

Does he need help finding a cheaper phone contract and learning other money saving ways of doing things?

So much of the rest of the future is too uncertain - he might want to do a Masters / he will probably want to buy a house at some point but not yet.

There's so much that could be said to help the stepson understand his financial position in the context of the family without going into how you and your husband organise your personal finances and split your costs.

whereas in fact it's his dad's to spend as he pleases.

Well, it might be, but I think there is a question to be asked around that, which we can't answer because we don't know the exact basis on which the father is receiving funding from the trust, and how much discretion is built in, and who the trustees are etc.

I think the difference here from it being his father's self-earned income is that the money is coming from a settlement by his grandfather, who has clearly thought and planned carefully regarding his estate and succession. It is quite conceivable that the grandfather wanted his grandchildren to have a goodly chunk preserved for them - hence the arrangements re the corpus - but I would not necessarily expect the grandfather to have expected the boy's bio mother (ie; the mother of his grandchildren/ the op's dh's ex) to benefit. It is possible, but not something i would expect or assume. How much less likely, then, is it that the grandfather would expect the op, who is not the bio mother of his descendants to be benefitting as a beneficiary (again, not saying it isn't theoretically possible he might) or, as a step further removed, the dc of the op who are wholly unrelated to him - and whom he has quite possibly never met (though again, he might have). So I think where the funding has been provided via a mechanism in which the terms of the trust and the intentions of the settlor are critical, the son asks a reasonable question if he is wanting to know to what extent and on what basis those payments might be being made. It is more than possible the father is entitled to use those receipts as he wishes, but, given I expect they are, on balance, probably not what the settlor would wish, ascertaining clarity around it is not an unreasonable ask.

And as someone else pointed out, if the father is allowed to be territorial around inherited income, why can't his own son be territorial about his own inheritance?

Even if his father is prioritising his step children over his own children, he can be pissed off. It doesn’t give him the right to have access to his father’s financial records or try to “backdate money owed” from his stepmother!

I haven’t read all the posts OP but I have read yours. Your step children have no business seeing your DH’s finances. The only bit they need to be concerned with is the capital settled by their grandfather, and even then, only once it gets to them.

Since you say your DH cannot deplete the capital, there’s no issue. They will in due course receive the entirety of their grandfather’s settlement. Your DH needs to explain this calmly and firmly. None of the money coming to them has been spent because the “not quite trust” forbids it. They either believe him or they don’t but they will see for themselves once the trust reaches them.

Your DH just needs to say no you can’t have access to my finances but you’ve got nothing to worry about because when I die you’ll be fine financially

But the father does earn his own income.

The money from the 'not-a-trust' is in addition to this.

if he continues down this arrogant path of thinking he’s entitled to wealth because of the sperm-based component of his DNA he may find out he gets none at all!

But hang on a minute: as far as funding from the trust is concerned, op's DH is also only entitled "because of the sperm-based component of his DNA" (what a vulgar description) as well - and the OP not even that, her dc still less again.

So what does that make all of them if the DSS is arrogant and entitled?

I wonder if the OP regrets this thread now? Dozens of strangers calling her stepson a greedy fucker, spoilt little shit etc when he's probably just a confused, insecure teenager who's been let down by the adults in his life

My aunty came over and took my daughter to a show. When she was telling her step-sibling about it the immediate question was who had paid

I'm confused - this is your aunty and your daughter, so what does it have to do with his bitterness about his father's finances?

There is no mention in the OP, but then the OP wasn't even clear if it was actually a trust.

You would have to see the Trust Deed to know there are no limitations.

Where did you read that OPs SS is going without?

Yes exactly this your DH isn’t dead yet!!

tell him to stop being a greedy sod and do one!

I think the OP says the SIL lives frugally because the 'trust ' money is her only income.

OP's husband, on the other hand, earns his own income as well as receiving the 'trust' money.

This

It appears that the capital
is in trust and your husband and his siblings get the interest from that capital (however it is invested). Once DH receives that income it is entirely his to do with as he sees fit. Don’t put yourself down by suggesting he is subsidising you. You are a partnership and can make joint decisions.
Your SS is being an entitled brat expecting anything spent on you or your children to be paid back but there is one aspect of the situation that he might be right about. If the terms of the original will suggest that there should be something for the grandchildren to inherit then it is not unreasonable for the grandchildren to be concerned about the way the grandfather’s money is invested and managed. He should be made aware of who the trustees are, what assets form part of the trust and what investment criteria are being used. It sounds as though he is not yet mature enough to deal with this information sensibly so if I were your DH I’d be telling him that he will discuss it with him when he is older.

There’s a PP where OP clarified that there were no spending limitations on dividend received.