Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

OP’s previous thread indicates that all money spent on her children is resented by ex wife - no matter the source earned or otherwise. Her feelings have clearly influenced the stepson.

This. Factual and no drama required.

The asset that provides money to the DH will be passed onto the son intact though - no inheritance is being spent here.

The son has done nothing wrong. The father didn't earn the money, his father did, and it would upset most people to see their father spend money on their step mother and step siblings.

Grandfather did set up the trust to benefit the biological grandchildren. He left the biological grandchildren the capital assets.

They will inherit those assets when their parents die.

Until then the income generated by the assets is shared among the parents.

The asset income is supplemental to the DHs own regular income. Who’s to say the DH isn’t spending his own business income on his wife and her children?

Your step sons request is completely out of order. He probably resents you and your children and feels he would be much better off if you didn't exist. He is rude and selfish but he is also only 18. Maybe, because your children have another 12 years or so before they finish university he sees money being spent on them by his father as money that could have been spent on him. It isn't for you to solve unfortunately op. There's probably something that needs unpacking in your step sons feelings about the relationship between love and money. Do you think he feels his mother was short-changed in the divorce? Does he somehow blame himself for the divorce? It's up to his Dad how he deals with it but I'd suggest coming down like a ton of bricks on someone who for whatever reason is feeling resentful will definitely drive a wedge between them. Could your husband approach it with curiosity about why his son feels like this? I hope you all manage to negotiate this without an estrangement.

Sorry, that is what I meant. As in, it’s not currently anything to do with the 18 year old and won’t be until his father dies.
nothing his father spends will impact what he receives

Give him the middle finger 🖕 its nothing to do with him 😬

@Greenhairedmonstor it must be so disappointing for your DH to discover that his child is so materialistic and shallow.

If I were him I'd tell the oldest that the fiances are none of his business and I'd almost be tempted to donate 90% of this child's share in his will to a small local charity to make a point.

I think the OP said that the SIL "lives frugally".

Obviously it's all relative, but you can guesstimate how much it's likely to pay out once it's been divided up if you guess what "lives frugally" means and how many cousins there are, and it seems likely there may not be vast amounts of wealth here, and by the time it is finally inherited (who knows how long the 4x recipients will live for) it might be worth quite a bit less due to inflation and other deductions.

Even people intelligent enough at 18 to do well in A Levels may be emotionally very immature so deal with this calmly but firmly.
Your DH should outline what the SS's rights are, i.e. he will inherit the assets left by the grandfather, and if true, he may have the right to see how they are being managed.

SS does not, and never will have, the right to decide (or even know) how your DH spends his cash. Both you and DH have the right to privacy with regard to your expenditure.

DH understands your SS's need for fairness but SS will just have to trust that his father has the best interests of all his children at heart.
Lots of reassurance and benevolent smiles but firm lines drawn.

Explain (gently or otherwise) being an adult means he is entitled to earn his own path in life now. Nothing about your finances is any if his business EVER.

What a cheeky little fecker! Hope he’s told to do one.

Your step son has obviously got zero right to study his dads’s finances and it it totally unacceptable for him to make such a request. I am interested though in why he has asked. Is there a difference in life style between him and his siblings and your children? Does he think his dad is spending money on your children when he did not choose to spend similarly on his own? Two options, your step son is an unpleasant entitled idiot, or he rightly or wrongly feels hurt by your husband.

how very scummy of him.

do we know whether his mum has been saying things along the lines of ‘new wife is spending all of your dads money so you’ll never see it’ etc.

I can’t see why he would have such feelings on it otherwise

I disagree. I can’t imagine a situation in which I would be upset at my father - a man in full command of his faculties - spending his own money however he pleases. In fact my siblings and I have made it clear to him that we’d far rather he spend as much as possible enjoying himself as he sees fit - even if on fast cars, drink and dodgy women 🤣 - than try to save it for us.

If the father in law only wanted to benefit his grandchildren why didn’t he leave it directly to them bypassing his children altogether?

Instead he went out of his way to ensure his children received additional income.

There is no mention of limitations on what the income can be spent on. So the husband is entitled to do with it what he will.

Where have you got the "lavish" from? The OP has said she lives in a house/area she would not be able to afford on her own, has a family holiday that she probably wouldn't be able to afford to do every year if she were on her own and that her DH paid for her son to go on a school ski trip that she and her ex were struggling to pay for, for which they were very grateful. It is clear that the OP has remarried and now to someone with more income than her (hence her use of the term "subsidised") but how do you know this involves "lavish gifting"?

It would have helped if the OP had referenced the incident in April from her previous thread.

OP’s DH very kindly helped the OP fund a school ski trip for one of her children that she and the kid’s father couldn’t afford.

When this info came out at a family wedding the then 17-year old said directly to his step-brother going on the ski trip you are spending MY inheritance.

This was followed by a later communication from the ex wife saying she felt any money spent on the OP’s children was being taken from her children.

Now we only have the bare minimum from the OP - we don’t know if there are past resentments at play. Did the DH’s kids get denied ski trips etc because there was no spare money before? Did the ex wife struggle through the lean early years of setting up a business so there were no treats for her kids. But now business is established plus extra income from FIL inheritance and OP and her kids are benefiting from a much better lifestyle?

good god, my dh kids have been somewhat entitled on occasions, but this is off the charts!

at 18 he’s old enough to be well and truly told that how your household spends its money is none of his business, any more than how HIS mother’s household is managed is none of yours.

or “fuck off”, that works too.

he needs telling that his bitterness and entitlement are staggeringly rude and the conversation ends there and then.

Bottom line - this is up to your OH (with respect to having to answer to himself, and himself only) and by extension to his OH (you). No one else, at least until and unless he or the estate demands or allows it.

It's the same difference....My parents spend the money they have, the way they want to. I have no say (unless there's a safe-guarding issue and not me poking my nose where it isn't needed!).

That is a fab way to ruin the relationship between father and son.
We have only read the wife's side of the story. Maybe the son feels his father is prioritising his step children over his own children.

Perhaps if SS went through his finances, only looking at this inherited money he gets - and saw how this money had to pay:
the child maintenance for the SS and sibling
anything bought for the SS and the sibling
Uni funding
the dad’s share of rent/mortgage/bills/food/house maintenance/holidays
the dad’s personal bills - car/car costs/phone/clothes/toiletries/haircuts/hobbies/dentistry etc

is there any left? Ignoring anything from earned income or his wife’s income.

as that is a significant amount of money needed to cover those.

perhaps the dad can show him what real life costs with the conclusion the dad cannot afford to give any money to Uni costs and now son is 18 no longer had to fund him!!,

That would be my conclusion with such an attitude.
and certainly no money for house deposit, or any costs at all when son is in a job, as he might need to learn to grow up that way.

😂😂😂😂 NOPE…What an entitled little a-hole the DSS is! I assume the trust is set up in that way so your FIL provided for his children until they are no longer living and then that then benefited his grandchildren. The stepson has no right to dictate what the proceeds are spent on until he inherits it. Tell him to jog on. And yes it may well affect your husbands relationship with him, but that’s not his fault. That’s on his son.