AIBU not getting into debt to go on holiday?

[DoYouThinkAbout]

I'm a single parent. 4 dc.
Exdh hasn't paid maintenance ever and the last few years have been tough.

I'm doing better now financially and decided to concentrate on the house as it desperately needed decorating, new flooring and furniture.

In my family everyone goes on holiday apart from us. My siblings said I should have taken the dc away instead of decorating.
I was annoyed at first ut then started to doubt myself...

One family member borrowed thousands from my mum and has never repaid a penny but is currently on their second holiday this year.

Another is in debt from constant overspending but they are going away later this month.

At first I admit, I did judge them as they can't afford these holidays.

But actually my dc have really missed out because I wouldn't get into debt to go on holiday.
The 3 older dc are young adults but have never even been on a plane. We used to do caravan holidays but they stopped wanting to go about 3 years ago.

So -

YABU - Your dc missed out, you should have got into debt.

YANBU - for not getting into debt to go on holiday .

The only way I would think it was unreasonable for your kids to have never been taken abroad would be if you were taking yourself off on holidays here, there and everywhere and leaving the kids at home constantly.

You did your best to ensure they had a nice home to live it, that is far more important imo. It is always something you can do in the future.

They remember time with their family, and a walk collecting flowers/doing craft/baking/going to the local beach means as much to them as an expensive holiday in Aruba!
You are doing the right thing. Holidays with little kids tend to be stressful for a lot of families-spend money on things that are more important now, and enjoy holidays later.
With the weather how it's been, many families are happy to stay here.

We only had caravan holidays in the UK as a child and I was so sad and embarrassed really, when we would go back to school and everyone would talk about their lovely abroad holidays and I had a week in Norfolk in a caravan. My parents done their best and I recognise that now I’m an adult, but I’d never want my kids to feel like that so yes, I would get into debt to give them a holiday if necessary but as their mother, I would save every month as much as I could or upgrade to a better paying job to give them good experiences in life.

Hi OP, I think you’re getting a lot of unfair criticism here. I can only imagine how much it would have cost to take 4 children on holiday on one salary…during the school holidays. Personally, I’d have done the same as you - I’d want my children coming home to a comfortable home that they’re proud of and want to have their friends over etc, which they wouldn’t have wanted to do with broken beds or whatever. Also, I really struggle if my house is in disarray, looks unkept etc so that would be another reason for me to have done what you have done. I’m lucky that I don’t have to prioritise like you have had to, and I don’t take that for granted. I think you’ve done a great job and also haven’t got into debt for it. Once your children are past the phase of wanting to go away with friends, you can do city breaks etc and make memories with them that way. And as they get older and understand how hard life can be, they may also realise that there’s no shame in not having been on a plane before. I hope you’re enjoying the summer hols…be kind to yourself!

We didn't go away as kids. I wouldn't have wanted my mum to get into debt to take us away. It was probably tough enough at Christmas for her to be honest. We had a roof over our heads and food on the table. And I'm grateful (and get to go away now 😎).

I'm a single parent too OP and we don't go on holidays abroad either as I just can't afford it.

I have 3 kids, although mine are younger than yours (9, 13 & 15), and the younger two have never been abroad. My eldest has been abroad once when he was 2 so he has no memory of the holiday. I would love to take them abroad but I have no savings and it would take me years to pay it off a credit card if I paid for a holiday that way, which just doesn't make sense to me.

I bought my first house post divorce earlier this year and all my money goes on the mortgage or getting things repaired on the house, decorating, buying furniture etc. Like you, I feel it is important to give the children a comfortable home that they can bring their friends back to so at the moment that takes priority over holidays. I think you've had unfair criticism from some posters saying you are prioritising material things over holidays/memories for your children. You can have experiences and make memories without going abroad.

I also work in a school so holidays in term time are out of the question for me too and going in the summer holidays is just so expensive now, even in the UK. We haven't even had a UK holiday for 4 ore 5 years now. I try not to feel guilty about it though as a work bloody hard to make sure the children have a home and everything they need and when I can afford to further down the line we will finally have a holiday.

Obviously you’d ideally not get into debt for anything.. but I can’t believe you’ve prioritised house aesthetics over experiences for your children.

Encouraging a single mum to go into debt for a holiday is peak irresponsibility. Shame on them.

Ignore them.

It's not worth getting in debt for!! I was early 20s before I went abroad, it hasn't always been the norm! I took mine abroad a few times although money was tight and 3 children so drove and camped as too expensive otherwise but they remember very little of it as adults. I'm sure a decent bedroom that they use all year is better👌

It's not always that easy though is it @wishfulthinking25 to 'upgrade to a better paying job to give them good experiences in life' as you suggest or to save everything you can each month. I would love to just upgrade my job or to save but there just isn't money left at the end of the month to save.

Same here OP. I earn pretty well but I’m focused on projects in my house to make it more comfortable (currently replacing the 20 year old kitchen.) Nothing fancy but we all spend a lot of time in this house, I think I’ll get more pleasure from that than a holiday this year and I don’t want to go into debt to do either. No debt other than the mortgage and some modest savings are also important to me.

I don’t see the value in holidays. In fact I hate them and spend the whole time counting the days when we’re going home.

one of my children is a whinger and complains over the slightest thing (he does have SEN) and managing the airport, plane, transfers etc was horrible last time we went.

5k for a week away, I came home and thought what a waste of money. I like to spend money on things I can experience and get the pleasure out of for more than a week.

i would much rather have a nice comfortable home then 2 weeks on holiday every year.

a new couch or 2 weeks away? A new couch or new kitchen would win everytime.

lidl food but 2 weeks away every year? Or M&S food all year round but no holiday? M&S food everytime.

my son who was hard work last time is asking to go on holiday abroad again, but he doesn’t travel well and complains all the way there and just the thought of it fills me with dread

Well you’ve loaded that question to try and get the answer you want haven’t you.

As a child whose parents prioritised decorating over holidays, I can tell you I didn’t give a shiny shit about the lounge wallpaper, I just wanted to go to the seaside like my friends. I’m nearly 60 now, and the main thing I remember about being a child is desperately wanting to go on holiday.

We all have different priorities - it would appear holidays are not one for OP
I can’t remember the last time I decorated - however my house is clean tidy and very neutral so not a huge issue
I do prioritise holidays though and always managed at least one holiday a year when DC were younger
When they were younger it was caravan parks or camping - once they went to
high school - I could work FT without child care costs and managed to save a little each month for a cheap sunshine holiday
I would only buy things on credit including holidays to spread the load - but always pay off before any interest kick in

We still go on holidays with ours who are 27, 26 and 20! They do their own thing but still love to come away with us (obv helps that we pay for them) but don’t discount it just because they are a bit older. We hope to do it for years to come

Well it sounds like you've raised them to be as sensible as you OP given that you say they are saving for their own holidays - they're avoiding getting into debt for a holiday too. Very wise, I think. Debt for anything non-essential is to be avoided I think. It only takes a change in circumstances for debts to quickly get out of hand.

You've been a single parent for 8 years, 8 years ago your eldest was 16 but has never been abroad? You can pay for euro tunnel crossings with clubcard vouchers and eurocamp and similar are affordable if you saved even for 3-4 years when you were a two income household. You just don't prioritise holidays and that's your preference. I do. We can afford several holidays a year now, but even when I was a teen/early 20s I used to have extra jobs to save for a cheap holiday, backpacks, hostels etc, because I love to travel. Just different preferences. I didn't go abroad until I was about 12 and even then only 3 times with my parents and they were pretty budget trips, but I remember so much of those holidays and experiences.
I have never gone into debt for a holiday though, so we agree on that!

You did bring them on holidays, caravan holidays. And now they can and are going abroad themselves.

The redecorating...I presume it really needed to be done and you weren't ripping out perfectly good rooms...

Sounds like you did a great job as a single mum.

But, you did take them on holiday - in a caravan. Those are perfectly valid and fun holidays. They have now outgrown them, but they would have outgrown holidays abroad with their mum too.

Holidays are very important to me, and I do prioritise them above many things. But the important thing is the time together, not ticking countries off a list.

Regular holidays abroad are a relatively recent thing apart from the elite (post WWII). Travel is amazing if you can manage it financially, but they have plenty of time to travel and explore! And also, more people are starting to realise that typical holidays just arent for them, that theyre too overwhelming with travel etc. Back in the 60s air travel was luxurious, now we're stuffed in like sardines and a lot of people just arent that bothered by it.

YANBU @DoYouThinkAbout please don't beat yourself up over this

I once bought a holiday using PayPal credit as tbf we were desperate and been on one for ages. It was good but pissed me off still paying for it long after we’d gone!

op don’t listen to the nonsense here. You did the right thing. I was 24 before I went on a plane.
My dm was a single parent when df passed away when I was a child. The priority was to feed and educate us. We knew the sacrifices and struggle and now in turn make sure my dm travels and I have been to almost all continents and SO many countries as an adult, my kids are so very well traveled.
We turned that around and never felt like we missed out. How can you miss out on something you don’t know.
Going into debt for a bed while needing a bed is terrible advice. Your kids can make their way and travel if they want to in future

I’d never go on holiday if I then had to come back and spent months paying it back - it would really take the shine off it for me

This is important and a much better way to spend your money. It’ll last a great deal longer than a 2 week holiday.

Many DC do not get to go on holiday, the adult children although embarrassed they haven’t been on a plane will understand that you’ve brought up 4 kids on your own so it wasn’t viable. They can now start doing those holidays themselves as well as being able to have friends/partners over.

Don’t feel bad. You’ve given them everything you could afford.

I do put holidays on my cc sometimes and I also book a year early with TUI usually and pay in instalments. However, that’s because we’ve two wages coming in - so we deal with this together. Having that debt to yourself knowing you’ll find it difficult to pay off isn’t a great idea and I wouldn’t do it if it was just me and the kids here.

I disagree. It's having a livable home for years I over a one week trip. My home has some rundown parts but for op's family to have presentable beds and not crumbling floors they feel good in everyday is more important. She's not talking about expensive artwork.

Anyway, you don't need to leave the country to have experiences. Let's not give a hard working single mom with no help from her ex a hard time please.