To not take step kids on my holiday?

[Westcountrygal]

Were we unreasonable to go on holiday without my step kids?

My husband has got two kids from a previous marriage, they are 10 and 12.

My family invited my husband and me to a trip across the USA to visit relatives and we had a great time. The weather was great and we did lots of activities. When we came back however, and my husband told the kids about the trip, they in turn told their mum and she kicked off royally, screaming that he neglected them, spent all his money on himself and nothing on them, and that they should have come in the trip.

That obviously was never going to happen- it was my family who lives in America and my family who paid for this and it was during term time anyways. I do agree that he shouldn’t have told them about it and shown them the great things that we did but surely it’s not normal for the mum to expect them to go on MY family’s trip?

What I dont understand is how the kids' dad went away for an extended holiday and his ex and kids didn't know where he was until he got back. That just seems weird to me. Unless he is having very little contact surely he had to negotiate not having the kids with his ex? I think a dad having minimal contact with his kids on an ongoing basis (if that is the case) is far worse than the odd holiday without them.
Edited: I now understand the dad has had difficulty gaining access to the children due to choices the mum has made. Very sad but not his fault.

He sounds like a nice dad and I accept that things are not always that clear cut, and that the mum is not acting in good faith always.

Not only this, but it would be actively damaging if I had my own kids and we never did anything with them h less the step kids were around. It just symbols that they aren’t worth any attention and special things and everything is only done when the step kids are also there, surely that would breed resentment between siblings!

But in this case it’s a moot point as I don’t have any kids. I’m just sad that their mum has antagonised them to feel outraged/ angry/upset/ entitled to something they aren’t entitled to, after they told her. When husband first talked to them and showed them they were interested if perhaps slightly envious but fine with the situation, but when the mum found out she changed how they felt about it to mirror her own rage.

YANBU. Ignore her.

My parents went on holidays without my brother and I, and sometimes we would go separately with a parent. We also did family holidays all together. It never occurred to me to find this problematic, and it still doesn’t.

I hope you had a great time over here!

I just feel like he’s an irresponsible parent. What if there is an emergency etc? Also if you don’t see your kids much why would you cancel?

Op I’m not sure why you posted as it’s clear you know you aren’t being unreasonable.. which of course you aren’t!

Back in the 70s my DM and her then boyfriend went on holidays abroad without DB and I. They took his son but never us. It only rankled when they said he had sulked and been miserable one whole trip and they took him somewhere I would have given an kidney to go to! We went on holiday with her but only ever Butlins type holidays or to stay with relatives here.
In OPs case I would have explained it was a paid for trip, no DC, grown-ups only. Kids understand.

That is a fair point and I explained up thread that he arranged his kids to be picked up by aunt and uncle to have a sleepover weekend with their cousins. He would like to have them more but sadly him and mum aren’t on good terms and she moved three hours away. I am sure he would love to be more present but equally he isn’t willing to introduce more instability into their lives by uprooting, introducing a new home for them again, scaling back maintenance while he needs to change jobs in an uncertain job market etc.

You don’t see the difference between this being your parents and having divorced parents?

Doesn't he have conversations with his kids,did they not ask where he was going?

Him going on an all expenses trip by your family is fine.

It’s the 3 weeks for me that’s the problem. And not even telling his children where he’s going?!?

that isn’t parenting. Neither is EOW.

If there’s any nonsense from his ex-wife try reminding her that the fine for term time holidays - is for both parents…..

No, not really. I think it’s fine for parents to holidays without children/with different groupings of children, regardless of whether the family is nuclear or blended.

Are the kids actually even bothered? ex’s get annoyed at lots of things. My ex is annoyed at me for a few things but really it’s because he’s my ex and he dislikes me (for no reason other that he cheated and it makes him feel bad) don’t worry what she thinks.

My son’s father regularly goes on holiday without my son and he doesn’t care because I’m not toxic and don’t like to rile him up and upset him because he’s my son. My husbands ex takes great pleasure in winding my SD up and as a result she’s upset if we so much as leave the house without her.

Yes, I've caught up now - sad and not his fault. I don't think the two of you did anything wrong at all.

So, the kids were expecting Dad to pick them up and then an Aunt came instead?

I cannot imagine not seeing my kids for 3 weeks. I think perhaps it is a bit off that DH didn't arrange it so that he was away for the 2 weeks, and then came back for the final week, to ensure he maintained contact with his kids.

Or, gave the kids the heads up, and a promise to make the time up to them. Expecting to finally see Dad and then being blindsided by a relative feels like they were a second thought.

Sorry I've reposted the whole thing but this post is unhinged. I can't believe you wrote that. You are incredibly bitter or worried about something. It's not good for you to carry so much hate around.

@Westcountrygal don't waste anymore time thinking about it. I hope you both had a lovely time away with your family.

No issue with not taking them, but is this somehow indicative of his attitude towards them more generally? Is he a truly present parent?

How easy it is to judge situations you know nothing about. They like camping, and I am not willing to sleep in a tent at close proximity with male near teenage unrelated children. It’s not that I don’t like them but it’s too close for comfort and my health issues don’t allow for me to sleep on the floor. While they are young and enjoy it, so I hope that explains it more clearly for you.

He would of course love to spend birthday parties with them but the mum insisted on having all birthdays allocated to her in the contact order. And all Christmas’s by the way too. She wasn’t successful so now if the kids birthday falls on his time she just doesn’t send them. I hope that explains this for you.

Regarding school shoes- no he doesn’t, he pays maintenance for the things they need. He then also pays again for clothes and outfits when they are with him so he won’t be paying a third time for specific items. Hope that explains this for you.

Why is it on both these similar threads that the mother moved “three hours away” Oh and the dad would like to have them more but he just……can’t? Bullshit, he can. He could have taken them on this holiday if he was so desperate to spend more time with them, he could have had three weeks!
But, on both threads, the dad and the new wife didn’t want them to come. Your prerogative of course op, but at least own it and don’t try kid yourself, or anyone else, that this man is “desperate” for more time with his own children.

Me either, but you know that it would have stirred a frenzy on here.

but they don’t have kids so it is a very easy YANBU

Term time

I would say his attitude towards the kids isn’t the problem he is very loving and caring. But objectively, no he isn’t very present. It’s a long story but when the wife first left him she withheld the kids completely (first court case here) then things calmed down for a few years. This was before I met him. Things then happened in her life that caused a rift between her and her family causing her to move away (second court case here trying to prevent her moving). But she doesn’t adhere to the court orders and the kids are caught in the middle so what is the right solution? It’s obviously that she doesn’t want him to be an equal parent and the kids are now at an age where they are settled and becoming more j dependent and he doesn’t want to disturb the whole situation again.

This is actually a good point to consider. I hadn’t thought about that. As long as they are cared for then that’s fine right? I didn’t think they might have expectations or excitement of their own towards seeing dad.

So she’s crazy woman and a screaming ex who continually sabotages things but he’s still ok to leave his children with her? Why? Surely he should be applying for full custody .. she sounds insane. 🙄