To not take step kids on my holiday?

[Westcountrygal]

Were we unreasonable to go on holiday without my step kids?

My husband has got two kids from a previous marriage, they are 10 and 12.

My family invited my husband and me to a trip across the USA to visit relatives and we had a great time. The weather was great and we did lots of activities. When we came back however, and my husband told the kids about the trip, they in turn told their mum and she kicked off royally, screaming that he neglected them, spent all his money on himself and nothing on them, and that they should have come in the trip.

That obviously was never going to happen- it was my family who lives in America and my family who paid for this and it was during term time anyways. I do agree that he shouldn’t have told them about it and shown them the great things that we did but surely it’s not normal for the mum to expect them to go on MY family’s trip?

No, you’ve missed that I AM (or I was, decades ago!) the new wife, crazy ex included, and I wouldn’t behaved like this. Which is why I have an excellent relationship with the now adult DSC.

I guess it’s because he isn’t a shit dad. I have seen him for years struggling with what is the right thing to do, taking the ex to court and the impact this has had when last time round the kids got interviewed. It puts so much pressure on them and he just didn’t want that for them. If you have another parent who is hellbent on not compromising, wants to call all the shots, and the kids are being influenced and visibly upset then your perspective changes.

At their ages their views would be taken into consideration and I can imagine the thread if the mu posted saying her ex was trying to get custody of the children, it would be full of 'he's controlling' , 'he's trying to get away with no maintenence' etc etc

I work in the family courts and see the reality of this, children are moved away from fathers and the most and best you can do is get the kids seeing their no custodial parent as often as is practicable.

But MN dont like to hear that

People go on holiday without their children all of the time.

Absolutely. What OP has failed to mention is what type of holidays he takes them on. Of course, she's now going to say various amazing trips abroad....

The shitty part is the lying by ommission, not telling them they'd be staying with their aunt whilst he's having the time of his life, most likely not communicating with them during all this time, and then gleefully showing them pictures of all the fun he had without them. That's so crass!

I know everyone is different, but this type of thing is posted very frequently on here, and I don’t believe it for a second. Maybe it happens, but I reckon itd be rare. I’m a divorced mum. (I’ll add the caveat of super happy for those who for some utterly bizarre reason pretend we’re bitter). Whilst loving my kids very very much and my time with them, one of the utterly lovely things for the split parents (assuming both parents are the decent sort) is you get wonderful time off. Once a week, twice a week, whatever it is, you have completely no responsibility to your children whilst the other parent does it. Do what you like, your hobbies, your mates, your peace, whatever, go wild. It’s lush. I can think of only one instance that a parent wouldn’t grasp this free time gladly with both hands - if they don’t trust the other parent. I honestly do not believe as many exwifes as we are led on here to belleve, deviously ensure their children have no relationship with their father, and they get no free time whatsoever. Nah. Women don’t do that.

I guess it’s because he isn’t a shit dad
What he did over this is shit parenting. Can you really not see it?

@Westcountrygal Not at all unreasonable to go away without kids/stepkids. Very unreasonable and cruel of their father to not tell his children that he's going away and just send his sister in his place to pick kids up. What if they wanted to see their father? This would feel like a rejection from a child's pov so ofcourse they aren't happy when he comes back talking about his holiday. They must feel like an afterthought. I can't believe none of you actually thought this through.

You did nothing wrong, it seems fine to me - but I disagree with you on 'he should have kept it secret'. They are old enough to understand that he will do things without them. Keeping it a secret suggests that you were doing something wrong.

Honestly, if you don’t think the children would be excited to see their father who they barely see; then that indicates a very very poor relationship.

Also. New wife, wind your neck in. "No we can't come visit, dear family, for three weeks, you know DH has young children and it's too long for him to go without seeing them" is what you should have said. Maybe he doesn't get that holiday, you signed up for that when getting together with a man with children.

Ridiculous. So parents are not allowed to take rare travel opportunities until when the children are 18??

I just hadn’t considered it as I don’t have any children myself

Imagine your OH moves away for a job that he can't step away from. You can only see eachother every other weekend. You count the days until you do because you miss him.

One Friday, you drive to his looking forward to your weekend away, but instead of him opening the door, it's his mum. She doesn't tell you where he's at. You're very confused, even worried.

Then you finally get together, you're waiting for a good excuse but instead, he takes his phone out and shows you all the great picture of him with his sister somewhere exciting far away you'd hope to go with him.

And when you're upset, he tells you it was to his sister's friend and he's allowed to get away with his family without you.

Nice isn't it?

No I already answered this. He takes them camping. It’s more age appropriate than being so far away from home for so long especially since they are fairly insecure children. They have holidayed internationally with the mum before but not with him and he doesn’t want to book something because in the past she has cancelled them coming over when she knew he had something planned.

I agree with the poster saying “who would do that to their kids” and I can’t believe it either that she’d rather have the kids miss out on experiences and trips so that her ex is losing the booking but I have witnessed this myself .

I don't think it's necessarily the case. Seeing dad will be their normal, part of their routine - it's not Christmas or something. I'm sure the novely with their cousins was great.

Well as a parent I can tell you, even if you think your dh is wonderful in every other aspect, what he did to his children in this particular incident was thoroughly shitty parenting.
it isn’t the holiday that’s the problem, it’s the not telling them, the not seeing them for 3 weeks, presumably not communicating with them much throughout the trip. It doesn’t sound like he’s particularly their father tbh, more maybe an uncle figure who turns up occasionally as long as he hasn’t got a nearly moth long holiday he’d prefer to be on.
‘desperate to have them more’are his words ‘not giving a shiny shit’ are his actions.

Your DH has children, did it not occur to him? You argue he is a good dad, but his actions that you have described in this thread, really suggest otherwise. Trundling of to the US for three weeks and leaving his sister to tell his children he wouldn’t be seeing him was a terrible parenting decision.

It’s such bollocks that your parents should think about children that are in no way related to them in this context. Clearly they should be polite and evaluating if they saw them at your home, or they’re, but the idea that they should be taken into consideration regarding a trip like this is for the birds.

I‘m sorry op, but I laughed out loud at your first few sentences. He takes them camping because it’s incredibly cheap. That’s it. You seem to believe everything's he says, even when it is very clearly bullshit. The more you type, the more I’m thinking the mum has very good reasons for limiting contact.

I say this on every one of these threads, but I honestly don't understand anyone getting together with someone who already has children. It just looks like a nightmare from start to finish.

6&8 are mature enough to think like an adult!

WTF have I just read?

You both were invited on a paid vacation. It shouldn't matter if you didn't take the children. Parents are allowed to go somewhere without their children once in a while. Don't listen to people who say you were wrong. You take them on holiday, just not this time. I hope you enjoyed your time visiting the U.S.A. and come back again!

The holiday itself isn’t the issue. The problem is he’s now used three weeks of leave that he can’t spend with his children. That has all the hallmarks of being a shit Dad and not giving a toss about spending time with his kids.

I'm genuinely upset for your husband who thought his kids would enjoy his holiday stories and this was the outcome. My parents had some childless holidays to visit friends abroad and we stayed with our Nan but it was always nice to hear about/see pictures of their adventures.

No I already answered this. He takes them camping
I didn't see it but I guessed that's what it was. The good old cheap camping for the kids whilst spending over £1,000 to go to the USA...and then showing them the pictures.

Honestly OP, your OH is a selfish twat. His ex escaped. You'll see it one day too.

I expect a lot of people, like me, voted based on just the initial post and would change their view if they read the rest of the details.

Yabu. There are 52 weekends in a year. You dh therefore only sees his kids 26 weekends a year. Missing one of those weekends is really significant, and especially when they haven't had advance warning. That's a really monumentally horrible thing for the children to be dumped at the last minute without advance notice.

Also CMS is the very bare minimum. It is adjusted (reduced) for the number of nights the non resident parent has. The non resident parent is expected to fund everything during their own time. So the extras you are mentioning are actually also.just the bare minimum..