AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

[Letstalk3llo]

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?
I’m a mum of three and work full time. I’m also the main breadwinner in our household. My husband works part time, and his holidays usually coincide with the children’s school holidays.
Despite this, I’m still expected to supervise the children during my working day whenever he wants to make plans. For example, he’ll go out for lunch with friends while I’m working, leaving me to juggle childcare and work.
There are other things that are beginning to really irritate me. He often takes my credit card to buy things and then reluctantly gives it back when I ask. He also regularly takes my car, leaving me with his car—which often has little or no fuel in it.
I feel as though my time, money and belongings are simply assumed to be available to him, while he still gets the freedom to do what he wants. I’m exhausted and increasingly resentful.
I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling. I don’t mind supporting my family, but I do expect a fair division of childcare, consideration around shared resources and basic respect for my boundaries.
AIBU to be highly irritated, or is this completely fair behaviour?

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Oh, I do miss the 'laugh' reaction....

Give him the card but block it from being used on your banking app

He has independence. He earns his own money. Giving him your credit card is the opposite of independence.

How is this possible? How can someone be both a mug but also be able to earn enough money on their own to support an extra adult human and some small humans, a mortgage, pay bills, buy food etc,..

I don't wish to be mean, but if someone has the capacity to earn a decent living, enough to support their children, themselves and a monkey and run a home then they have the capacity to look after themselves and ditch the monkey.

Something doesn't make sense, make it make sense OP.

why have you not kicked him out?

Why do you let him?

If their roles were reversed this selfish cocklodger would never tolerate the OP swanning off in his car, with his credit card to enjoy a lunch with friends while he provided child care when working FT from home.

Instead, he would be taking every possible opportunity to impress upon OP that, as the higher earner, he had the right to expect her to manage all domestic and child related issues while also working part-time and would, no doubt, also be constantly chivvying her to increase her working hours as the kids grow-up. He'd probably also expect her to cover all personal and child related expenses while insisting that she pays 50% percent of the bills too and provide frequent blow jobs.

Strangely, there never is true equivalence when the man is the higher earner, as regularly evidenced by the posts on this forum.

Most of these posts are the other way round. But it's not ok whether it's the man or the woman (or obviously in same sex relationships, if one partner takes advantage). You both should have discussed, and agreed, who is working which hours, and who is doing which child/home tasks (usually the person working less does more at home, but that's obviously for each couple to agree based on personal circumstances/health etc).
So while this should have been discussed before, better late than never. Plan it, write it down if that suits.
As for money, why have a card you give him? You should either have a joint account, with a card each, or separate ones.

Right so you’re basically bankrolling him! What an absolute wanker!
He’s living rent free while you work full time, pay all the bills and he works part time and just covers his own expenses and nothing towards the house and he can’t even look after the kids while you’re working???!!!
I can’t believe that you’re putting up with this! He’s part time so needs to look after the kids while you’re working and do the bulk of the house work and finances need to be pro rata’d so he’s still contributing but proportional to his earnings!!

"Now I cover all the dd’s and he uses his wages to socialise and for self care"

I could never find such a man attractive.

So he works part time to earn just enough to pay for his self vre and hobbies while you pay for everything else including his own daughter and yet he needs you to pay for things like buying his friends child a birthday present...

He definitely hit the jackpot.

How old is your daughter?

What do you see in this man?

It’s a big fat no from me. The word doormat springs to mind. He has got it very sweet!

So he spends his money on himself, and also your money on himself?
once again what is it that he is bringing to your family? It sounds like you have 4 children. What a massive massive ick.

Hope the answer was ‘nope’

What possessed you to have not one, not two but three kids with this fella? Honestly you’d be better off divorced…I bet he bucks his ideas up when/if you separate! Although you’ll probably end up paying him maintenance, he's used to being a kept husband after al!

Stop giving him your credit card. Do you actually pay it off when he puts stuff on it???

PLEASE tell us you said "No, sorry - that doesn't work for me" or some such refusal... 🙏

So not much then. Given Dcs ages, the school run will be a doodle. You basically have 4 children OP.

😂😂😂

I needed that laugh, thanks!!

Do his mates buy your DC presents as I would be very much doubting they do and this won’t be the reason either way I would be not letting him anywhere near your CC and hiding your car keys

I read a really good quote the other day, something along the lines of men buying their leisure time with their wives' exhaustion. This is exactly what your husband is doing here.
What a brass neck he has on him, he really is taking the piss.

Does he contribute towards your household expenses or children at all?

Sounds like he has previously run up debt, and now only working part time to cover some of his personal expenses, then using your money when he runs out (which otherwise would be more debt I guess)?

Andy any justification for being part time to watch the kids is minimised as he’s leaving them with you when working, so he can socialise.

He is incredibly selfish and offering nothing to your family. You definitely sound better off without him. Next time he asks for your card, the answer is no! Maybe keep a little cash at home, so if its an important family expense, you can give him £10 with ‘that should cover it’ and no more chasing to get your credit card back!

He's an entitled twat.

YABU for going along with it, facilitating his bullshit and then moaning about it.

Why is he part time. Its not to be the primary carer if he's just swanning off with friends and leaving you with the children while you are supposed to be at work.
Obviously if he was doing what he was supposed to be doing, money should be shared, which includes access to the family finances. But that's not what is happening here. He's taking the piss .