AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

[Letstalk3llo]

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?
I’m a mum of three and work full time. I’m also the main breadwinner in our household. My husband works part time, and his holidays usually coincide with the children’s school holidays.
Despite this, I’m still expected to supervise the children during my working day whenever he wants to make plans. For example, he’ll go out for lunch with friends while I’m working, leaving me to juggle childcare and work.
There are other things that are beginning to really irritate me. He often takes my credit card to buy things and then reluctantly gives it back when I ask. He also regularly takes my car, leaving me with his car—which often has little or no fuel in it.
I feel as though my time, money and belongings are simply assumed to be available to him, while he still gets the freedom to do what he wants. I’m exhausted and increasingly resentful.
I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling. I don’t mind supporting my family, but I do expect a fair division of childcare, consideration around shared resources and basic respect for my boundaries.
AIBU to be highly irritated, or is this completely fair behaviour?

But doesn’t earn an enough to contribute to the family?

You have to tell him that he’s your husband not your teenage son, which is exactly what he’s acting like.
I’d lie and tell him you’ve cancelled the credit card as you don’t use it, say you’re cutting costs to save money so you’ve altered the insurance and he’s only insured on his own car, and vice versa.

I’m glad you keep finances separate OP.

His lifestyle is bonkers, you’d be better off leaving and paying for childcare.

It honestly sounds like you have an extra child to parent. Albeit one that helps with school runs. Surely life would be so much easier if you only had your actual DC to look after?

I think you need to have a serious conversation.

You know if you want to live together and co parent then you can do that but you should name it so you are both clear.

This way the detachment can start - likewise do have a think about alternative childcare options instead of relying on him

Or consider asking him for a trial separation?

‘Controlling’?? How about DH exercise a little control over himself and step up and take responsibility and actually contribute!

Honestly OP, this along with asking for your credit card makes him sound like your teenaged son.
His net contribution is less than zero. He is just an extra child. Your life would be so much easier without him.
I’m so angry on your behalf!

You need to tell him he only thinks you're controlling because he's a leech.

He brings nothing to the table and you want out.

You’re already a single parent, so you could be one without someone asking for your credit card, and someone who actually has to look after and cook for his kids on his time.
Borrow your credit card to buy his mates son a present my arse!

I know, right?! As if someone this useless thinks to buy presents for someone else’s kid!

Even worse than a babysitter. A babysitter gets paid and doesn't take the credit card or car 😆

@Letstalk3llo

I am shouting, borderline screaming at you, from my laptop. NO! Just NO.

Not sure what CC you have but can you block it - my bank allows me to put a temporary block on a card (eg if i think it is lost but might find it so don't want to cancel fully immediately). Can you do this?

If you can, block it. A couple of declines on the card when he is trying to use it might prompt a conversation.

Does he pay you back when he uses it for a mate's birthday?

Further questions:

Have you ever tried to get him to pay for anything with his money that he earns? How can ALL his money go on personal spends? How does this even happen? Does he pay anything towards household costs?

I am guessing but I feel you will be so much more financially (and mentally) well off you will be and feel if you get rid of him.

Do you still have romantic feelings for him, when he treats you this way?

This is free-loading of the highest order.

Don't be scared by the fact that he might "appear" to be the primary carer. He is banking on that fear. However, when you are ready and have had good advice, and actually take this to an objective panel (perhaps all the way to the courts) - will he really want full custody of all the kids? I highly doubt it. Lots of men trade on this "fear" that women have of losing primary care of their kids and a lot of women don't take things forward based on their fears, which allows these absolute piss takers of men to keep going with this abusive, money sucking lifestyle, feeding off women who work so hard, provide financially and love their kids while they bring NOTHING to the table. Call his bluff.

Cut him off.
Ask him for a financial contribution to your lives.
Get legal advice about your position.
Start imagining a life without this leech on your back.

You sound too smart, too hardworking and too kind to be treated like this. Fight for yourself. At first slowly and quietly because it is difficult to get out of these situations but think long term.

Your life could be so much better and you deserve so much better. You really do.

I too am furious on her behalf, honestly.

You need to take back control of your life. Does he pay bills, buys birthday or Christmas presents with his pin money?. How did this very unequal dynamic come about.
in addition to taking your work, car and CC to am alternative location, he needs to get a proper job so he can stop sponging off you.

My husband earns far less than me and regularly uses my credit card for essential and treat activities. However, he works full-time and always bore the brunt of day-to-day childcare because I worked long hours.. He spends most of his wages on our life together just as I do. In 25 years he has never taken advantage of me or my credit card which he carries in his wallet.

I do get fed up sometimes that is always my money that pays for our luxuries but I knew when I married him that he was never gonna have much money. He’s a lovely man and a devoted father and that’s much more important to me.

Brilliant! Before the beginning of the next working day, make it clear that the credit card is never going to be available again, then disappear to work in peace while he has a lovely sulk.

Surely the "out" is obvious? He is adding nothing useful or beneficial to your life. Time to split up.

@Letstalk3llo

This then came with hours of silence and avoidance.

I used to get the silent treatment from my 1st husband. I flipped the narrative and began to think of those periods as 'blessed silence'. If he wasn't speaking to me at least that meant he wasn't demanding things or belittling me. I just cheerfully carried on with whatever I wanted to do and 'ignoring him back'.

So first, think about what exactly is stopping you. Finances? Worries about 'a broken home'? Are you actually physically afraid of him? Is it 'what the neighbours/family will think?

Once you figure out what's really, actually stopping you, you'll be able to see past it to a way out and then make a plan to get there.

And BTW a home where the father treats the mother like a cash machine and a nanny is not a 'wholesome' home. I was once told that the most important thing a father can do for his children is to treat their mother with respect and love. He is treating you with neither of those.

Omg icould have written this. My exh stole from me, I worked FT earn't 4 times as much as him. The finalstraw was him winning money on a lottery and spending it on his addiction, not his sons. I gotaway from him, we've had hard years on benefits and handouts. But living without a thief. Don't be me, get away from this situation. Pm if you like. J
I went through the courts etc, Good luck!

He’s not seeing that borrowing your card is the same as borrowing money.

Reply with ‘so you want to borrow money’ when he asks to borrow your card. Followed by, so you plan to pay this back once you’re paid?

If he says yes, keep a tally and ask him for it on payday. If he says no, it’s our money, say no it will be our credit, which needs paying back to the CC. If he doesn’t agree tell him no, he can’t borrow your card/money from CC.

He seems very childlike @Letstalk3llo. Was he brought up to have the ‘I need, ‘give me’, ‘entitled’ attitude? Usually the parents of these type of people are like this too.