AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

[Letstalk3llo]

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?
I’m a mum of three and work full time. I’m also the main breadwinner in our household. My husband works part time, and his holidays usually coincide with the children’s school holidays.
Despite this, I’m still expected to supervise the children during my working day whenever he wants to make plans. For example, he’ll go out for lunch with friends while I’m working, leaving me to juggle childcare and work.
There are other things that are beginning to really irritate me. He often takes my credit card to buy things and then reluctantly gives it back when I ask. He also regularly takes my car, leaving me with his car—which often has little or no fuel in it.
I feel as though my time, money and belongings are simply assumed to be available to him, while he still gets the freedom to do what he wants. I’m exhausted and increasingly resentful.
I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling. I don’t mind supporting my family, but I do expect a fair division of childcare, consideration around shared resources and basic respect for my boundaries.
AIBU to be highly irritated, or is this completely fair behaviour?

The amount of foolish intelligent Woman who are dickmatised, is unbelievable!

You’re absolutely right. For a long time I wanted to avoid a broken home for the sake of the children. Then became normalised to this behaviour

Please yes, start using the word NO a lot more.

Regarding this mornings request for my cc. I offered my best advice “if you can’t afford it, perhaps tell your mate to wait”.
This then came with hours of silence and avoidance. I had a busy day at work and so the impact for me was minimal.

Weekends are worse.

I lost interest in him sexually years ago. I’m more interested in a wholesome home for the kids tbh.
Just struggling to see an out.

I cannot imagine getting to marriage, nevermind three children with a man like this. And certainly he would be gone if he changed into this.

You just need to start by telling him. Or by speaking to a solicitor to find out where you stand legally. As he does some of the childcare now, you will likely need to either try and amicably arrange, or attend mediation, to work out what to do regarding childcare and housing. Doesn’t sound like you will financially struggle if you already cover everything, but assuming you are in England all assets will probably need to be split. Unless one of you will be the primary caregiver to your children. But get professional advice. The sooner you start, the sooner you can rebuild yourself, without subsidising him

Excellent stuff, OP!

Are you actually sure he didn't want to buy stuff for himself?

I’d be tempted to open a joint account with him, give him the debit card, and transfer in £10 per week, under the reference of Pocket Money. “No darling, you can’t have my CC…I’ve already transferred over your pocket money for the week.” If he wants to act like a 5 yo, then treat him like one.

What are you waiting for? This man is using you!

I am embarrassed finding myself in this situation.
Another example; wfh the other day, DS wanted some lunch, a cheese burger. I made food between calls. Once cooked and kitchen cleaned, DH approached me and tells me our youngest also now wants the same. Expectations in his eyes that I would fire up the grill again.

Hi. Firstly, you sound like a saint who is in a difficult position. Secondly, you don’t need to hide your credit card. Go on your card app and just freeze it. Then, when you want to use it, unfreeze it until you have bought what you need, then freeze it again. That way, if he has it on his Google or Apple Pay, it will not work for him.
Thirdly, please kick him out. He’s a loser and is clearly not worthy of a lovely person like you.
Unless he owns the house outright, giving him the boot should not be complicated.

PS, can I join the queue for potential part-time worker, child minder, holiday booker, home sorter-outer etc. and can I bring my dog. Love the idea of co-habiting women and outsourcing the sex bit.

hours of silence & avoidance sounds like a good outcome, maybe carry on in the same sort of way, generally refusing all the perks he has come to expect, when he ignores you just carry on as if he's not there.
Hopefully eventually he'll go of his own accord

Fuck this, what a cheeky cunt! I wonder if ‘men’ like this have any dignity at all, so he’s living off you basically all his money is fun money and he still can’t see the end of the month🤮 flakey dad at best, no respect for your job and working hours that provides him with shelter and food wow what a tit. At least you know you can afford everything alone and by the sounds of things parent alone too! Cocklodger will have to go back full time and pay bills like a big boy, aw didums! Car keys get hidden along with the credit card, cut the scrounging bastard off what a fucking cheek!

Have you ever asked him if he is embarrassed to be like this? His net contribution is less than zero. How he can look himself in the eye in the mirror is beyond me.

OP, if you haven't asked him, ask him tonight if he is embarrassed.

'controlling' - is this the word he has used? The problem with women breadwinners is that we are so desperate to not be 'controlling' that we let ourselves be completely walked over. If he wants more money, he pulls his weight, simple.

“I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling.”

From the OP. The There We Are Then thread STBXH called that OP “controlling” if she said they couldn’t afford his tattoos (or any time she asked him not to do everything he wanted, when he wanted). I think this OP may have a similar There We Are Then problem.

Yes, they are so angry about being out earned that we end up feeling we have to pay for everything in order to appease them!

He's definitely a cocklodger and a man with no shame at all.

Having said that in this lunch scenario irrespective of who made lunch, doesn't it make sense to make lunch for both kids at the same time rather than get though the firing UK the grill to make a burger for only one child, then cook something entirely different for the other child at a totally different time?

Both kids should be having breakfast lunch and dinner at the same time and they eat the same things aside accomodations for e.g. allergies etc.

Your DH is utterly useless, contributing next to nothing to you and taking far, far more from you.
However, the situation you describe was very badly handled. If your DC need help with their lunch (the 13 and 11 year old should be more than capable of preparing lunch themselves if needed), they have lunch all together. You are creating unnecessary, extra work in feeding the three DC whenever and whatever they fancy. Obviously, your DH should be sorting all this out as you are working.

I can see how you have kind of presumed this is a marriage and partnership, which he has taken advantage of. And realising what a fool he has made of you is very tough.

Personally, i wouldnt bother having a chat etc. You nust have done this endless times including the last massive debt he got into.

He is not your friend. Take the afternoon off, dont tell him you are off. Go and see a solicitor to find out how to separate and what your assets are.

Maybe think about selling your house if his name is on it. Once sold, say you are not renting with him, you want a divorce instead. At least the house is sold, you can split the money and dont have to wait whilst he drags it all out as he likes using yoir card.

Bear in mind saying no tells him yiu no longer think he is a dh. He may become more likely to steal. Keep jewelery at a friends. He could easily pawn it and you would not find out til too late.

That's what I was thinking.

OP

You are virtually a single parent, one with an unreliable baby sitter.

If you don't want to split then I agree with taking yourself out of the house to work.

And did you?

You need to document all of this, so when you choose to exit you can demonstrate that whilst he is more available on paper you are actually the primary parent.

i think when you talk about the resentment and the lack of attraction the relationship is over- it’s just a question of when you actually feel ready to pull the plug. You aren’t going to magically get over this- it’s gone yo far but also be honest, he has no interest in fixing this