AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

[Letstalk3llo]

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?
I’m a mum of three and work full time. I’m also the main breadwinner in our household. My husband works part time, and his holidays usually coincide with the children’s school holidays.
Despite this, I’m still expected to supervise the children during my working day whenever he wants to make plans. For example, he’ll go out for lunch with friends while I’m working, leaving me to juggle childcare and work.
There are other things that are beginning to really irritate me. He often takes my credit card to buy things and then reluctantly gives it back when I ask. He also regularly takes my car, leaving me with his car—which often has little or no fuel in it.
I feel as though my time, money and belongings are simply assumed to be available to him, while he still gets the freedom to do what he wants. I’m exhausted and increasingly resentful.
I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling. I don’t mind supporting my family, but I do expect a fair division of childcare, consideration around shared resources and basic respect for my boundaries.
AIBU to be highly irritated, or is this completely fair behaviour?

OMG!!!😳😳😳🤬🤬🤬 I’d have cancelled the card the first time he refused to give it back!

I’d add I’m not lending you my credit card again. No car, no credit card, I don’t need to have to worry about those while I’m juggling working and parenting. I should warn you this marriage is deteriorating fast, I can’t keep going with the lack of support you put into it.

He’s also financially abusive! He’s behaving like a child and you are letting him!!!

What on earth is the point of him? Why are you tolerating this? I would invest in some therapy to try and work out why you are making these choices.

So basically you have another child in the house ?

Who needs that ?!

TBH I think you'd be better off as a single mum.

Thought I'd heard it all until this post.
You are the opposite to controlling, you're far too lax.
Go and work in a cafe, the library or office
Keep your car keys in your handbag / locked away so he has to use his own car
No more using your credit card. If he needs more money then he has to work more hours. If this doesn't suit your family then he has to budget.

I don’t have a huge number of options. I’m in North of England and quite remote. My office is in London. I will have to explore possible options though.

You're a doormat, nevermind a bank.

So he's lazy, financially incontinent, prioritises his mates over his family and has come to expect you to facilitate his oh-so easy life. As is often said on Mumsnet, what does he actually bring to the relationship? How can you remain attracted to a hopeless, useless cocklodger?

I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling.

It's very very much in his interests to make you feel this way because it makes you shut up. Easier said than done, stop reacting the way he wants you to react. You know he's unreasonable so dig your heels in and don't react, stand firm.

You're married to someone who's not good with money. Ok, some people are not. But you are married to a man who's not earning enough for him to live on, let alone actually contribute to the household costs which he should be.
Please stop letting him use the credit card and the car and it's time he learned how to budget.

He's also very much taking the mick when WFH.

No cafes or libraries?

Why havent you left this wet excuse for a man? Youre better off alone surely?

To be honest, the problem here is a shit husband, not where for the OP to work.
She shouldn't have to hide in a library or cafe all day in order for her husband to do child care.

I don’t understand how he has any money to spend on himself. Why isn’t he paying you back for the debt you paid off? He should be on a strict repayment plan. He clearly thinks he is some combination SAHD and kept man. “Borrowing “ your CC snd the petrol in your tank are ways he steals another invisible loan from you. He thinks you will never call him on it.

He is indeed mugging you off.

What about bills?

He thinks that because he is OP never told him no

So you literally pay for all household bills and you feel controlling for asking for a cc back. He’s the one that’s being controlling, keeping you in a cage.

Isn’t it him who is actually being controlling ? He’s limiting what you can do OP. He’s controlling whether you have access to your own car and credit card ffs! As others have said just stop him doing that. If he runs out of money early, that’s his problem - he’ll never learn to make it last if you give him free rein with your money. If you feel the need to give him pocket money when he’s skint (like a feckless teenager) then keep a bit of cash.

So you cover everything household?

How much does he earn?

Is there any point to him anymore? He doesn't contribute much of anything

This can’t be real.

Ugh, how do you not dry heave in his presence? The word cocklodger was coined for this pathetic man.

Now imagine it was a man saying that about his wife, working part-time. I think answers would have been different. Double standards.

So start saying no! No you can’t have the credit card, I pay all the bills and your money is simply for your spending so budget

No you can’t take my car I need it ( hide the keys)

No I can’t look after the kids whilst you go out, that’s your job, mine is working from home, not doing my job and yours (can you rent a small space somewhere? Use a coffee shop?)

start standing up for yourself!

My husband did this. Lost his job during Covid. I was wfh and he’d ask me to watch the kids so he could make dinner. He blamed me (“cadburyegg is working all the time” - I wasn’t) for being too busy to text his mum back. Asked me why I couldn’t look after the kids all day and then work all evening when the kids were in bed. Had a go at me for putting “his” cheese in a packed lunch for our 2 year old. My mum stepped in and bought the kids wellies after I ran out of money trying to support all of us, he said he didn’t have any spare. The following week he came home with a portable dvd player for his own use 🙄

We are now divorced, my life is hard tbh but it’s easier than being with a manchild, who is still financially irresponsible and useless with the kids