AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?

[Letstalk3llo]

AIBU to be irritated that my husband treats me like the default parent and bank?
I’m a mum of three and work full time. I’m also the main breadwinner in our household. My husband works part time, and his holidays usually coincide with the children’s school holidays.
Despite this, I’m still expected to supervise the children during my working day whenever he wants to make plans. For example, he’ll go out for lunch with friends while I’m working, leaving me to juggle childcare and work.
There are other things that are beginning to really irritate me. He often takes my credit card to buy things and then reluctantly gives it back when I ask. He also regularly takes my car, leaving me with his car—which often has little or no fuel in it.
I feel as though my time, money and belongings are simply assumed to be available to him, while he still gets the freedom to do what he wants. I’m exhausted and increasingly resentful.
I’ve tried raising this, but I’m made to feel unreasonable or overly controlling. I don’t mind supporting my family, but I do expect a fair division of childcare, consideration around shared resources and basic respect for my boundaries.
AIBU to be highly irritated, or is this completely fair behaviour?

So financially he contributes nothing? Any money he earns is spent on himself?

Rarely do I agree with the whole MN notion of LTB but in this case scenario I don't know what you see in him.

It sounds like you are providing for everyone anyway, your kids are getting older and I am sure could be worked around in some way during holidays with a combination of friends/holiday schemes or screen time if necessary.

For example, he’ll go out for lunch with friends while I’m working, leaving me to juggle childcare and work.

^

You need to put your foot down.

Sorry he is taking the piss out of you.

Not even slightly BU.

Why is he working part time? How have you got yourself in this situation? I would be out the door, this is crazy. If he working part time, then he should be contributing slightly more than half of all household chores, childcare and cooking, does he do that? I would just tell him that is how it has to be. If he doesn't like it, he can move out. He's lazy.

JFC OP what a prince!

Why on earth are you giving this freeloader house room- tell him to shape up or ship out.

My exH became like this after he walked out of a job and went self employed which resulted in him doing lots hobbies and little work.

You will probably be financially better off without him or at least feel more in control without being sabotaged. Look up DARVO it’s classic gaslighting making him the victim and you the one who is out of order.

The bottom line is he’s selfish manchild and no doubt that’s making him very unattractive to you. Being selfish you can expect if you split for him to help even less and claim he needs to work to pay his bills now so you have to do 100% parenting but at least you can crack on without a deadweight and living with resentment from watching him take the piss everyday.

Financially if the relationship isn’t going to last it’s better to get rid sooner than later as he will get at least 50% and claim to be the homemaker / main parent. The courts don’t care if a spouse was lazy they will say you must have accepted the division of work by staying. He will be expecting to live off your pension. In my case that would have meant him draining a limited resource on his hobbies. His attitude was what’s mine was his and what’s his was his own.

HRTFT just OP posts.

Do you feel like you need us to support you to be more assertive with your husband, @Letstalk3llo ? You absolutely can be, he is taking advantage of you and is imposing on your hard work, forethought, and consideration for others.

Given what you’ve said about your history, it’s not controlling at all to deny your husband more money than he earns. If he’s spent it on fluff, that’s on him. You are paying all the meaningful bills which allow him to live this carefree lifestyle and it’s still not enough for him.

He has his own money that he earns, and you don’t take that off him, do you? It isn’t controlling to say he cannot use YOUR credit card, it’s YOURS! Especially as he won’t return it gracefully but wants to keep it.

Ditto if he is a net petrol thief. I use my husband’s car but I put fuel in it commensurate to how far I’ve driven- I don’t leave him without.

My husband pays more into the joint account than me because he works full time, but I do more of the domestic tasks because I have more undirected time. We have a partnership. Your situation sounds more as if you have a financial vampire controlling you.

Is your relationship based on catering to his wants in other areas too, or “just” financially?

Take this permission from me and the other Mumsnetters, it’s ok for you not to subsidise him, it’s ok for him to hear ‘no’.

Refuse to make childcare arrangements, hide car keys, cancel credit card or report lost and get a new one that you hide.

Would it be cheaper to hire a nanny ? Do your numbers.

Oh give over, the If This Was The Other Way Around posters really need to start being a little more selective, you're making yourselves look very silly.

OP this man is nothing but a weight around your neck, what is the point of him? Why does he think its acceptable to work part time and then leave you to look after the kids whilst youre working? Whats his excuse for that?

Isn't it illegal to hand over your credit card to someone else to use?

Hide your keys and credit card for a start.
My granny always said "what you allow will continue"
Time to find your voice OP and tell him. If you're working, you're working and he is on duty for DC.

He couldn't go out if you was working outside the house and just because you WFH doesn't mean you're available.

He has his own car, so he can use it.
He isn't to use the credit card until he's paid off what he's already spent on it and that's what his wages go on. Because like fk would I live with a man like that. Swanning off for lunch, spending on your credit card, all his money goes on 'self care' and socialising? Absolutelyfuckingnot.

He sounds like a child. Must be awful for you.

Tell him you need a reset. Once you are at your desk, it has to be as if you were 20 miles away so childcare, housework, preparing meals etc are all down to him. If he wants to go out during the day, he needs to let you know well in advance so you can arrange things appropriately and it can't be more than once a week over and above his work. And keep your credit card and car keys with you.

I have three kids so I know how hard that can be, when DH is away dealing with them myself can be a real headache and tbh if I didn’t have a supportive husband I would not have had three. What is he actually contributing? Why does he not parent his kids, did he not want them? He sounds like a loser and a bum and tbh since you’re already doing all the work you may as well cut your losses.

I know divorce is bad for kids, but so is living with parents who have issues. There’s definitely resentment between the two of you and they will be picking up on it. My parents had a period when they stayed married “for the kids” and it was awful for us. I was so happy when they told us they were splitting up. Bin him off!!

All sound advice and I need to grow a pair and start listening to it. Your offer is extremely appealing. No Men around the house, how amazing that would be!!

And the morning starts with…
”need to buy my mates son a birthday present, can I borrow your card?”

Just tell him "do not expect me to look after the children when I am working to provide the roof over our heads"

I’m struggling to see how you have lived like this. He sounds like a joke. I’d get rid of that waste of space so fast he wouldn’t know what happened. Make a todo list. Never ever give him your cc. Ever. Hide your car keys. See a lawyer.

What did you say??????

My clitoris shrivelled up reading this, what a deeply unattractive, useless, pointless specimen. Run, run, run.

And my answer would be "No you piss taking cunt"

Quick short term suggestion. Get something like a Monzo card and put £20 on it. When he comes scrounging, give him that, so he'll run out of money really fast. Lock your credit card up somewhere.

Don’t you mean he spends his salary re-paying the massive debts he built up?! Why are you feeding into and enabling him?! It’s madness. He’s allegedly part time to more childcare but then he fobs it off to you. I would cold Turkey him today both in terms of financially and his responsibilities. He is financially abusing you