Letting newborn cry for a little while - dealing with other children?

[JulMay6]

I have a beautiful 1 month old DD who I adore but (like most babies) she likes to be held and is in her cluster feeding phase. I am seriously struggling mentally with keeping up with her cues and needs whilst looking after my 3 year old DS who also is clingy and likes to be with me and needs my attention.

Although I do have her in the carrier sometimes, I can’t do this all day plus we are in a heatwave.

I have read it is absolutely OK to leave a newborn to cry for 5-10 mins as long as they are in a safe space. I honestly feel like if I did this a few times a day it would save my mentally. Hearing her cry breaks my heart but I’m finding things difficult

You are building your newborn's understanding of the world and their attachment that will affect them throughout their life. While it's inevitable that babies may have short periods where you can't immediately respond to them, I think that giving yourself permission to ignore their cries of distress for a period of time is a dangerous precedent to set.

Just put them in a sling. A stretchy wrap is ideal. You need to find a way to meet the needs of both dc, not to pick one over the other.

Exactly this, life has to continue even with a new baby.
i would take my firstborn in the shower with me if she was awake as a small baby, in her bouncy chair or whatever we used and wash. If she cried she cried, I could see she was okay just impatient to be picked up and held, fed etc.
Obviously she wasn’t left to scream for long periods of time but especially when you have other children you have to deal with things in order of priority. If you know your baby is safe then yes they can wait a couple of minutes before you can get to them.

I agree 10 minutes is too long time but their was definitely times I put my second born in a cot and walked away as I seriously needed to calm down and this was the safest thing for her. Im a strong believer of if their crying their breathing so are fine.

2nd babies just have to cry for a bit sometimes while you sort out the other child.

I baby wore a lot but there were still time when baby just had to cry because it’s not possible or practical to wear baby ALL the time. Especially when you’re on the floor trying to help a toddler do things.

I remember especially when we were trying to leave the house. Baby would be ready to go and crying in the pram whilst I sorted shoes, coats, hats, gloves etc. for the toddler and put my own shoes on. It’s just life. Baby would be fine in a few minutes once the pram was moving.

Equally wiping a bottom with a baby in a sling is really not ideal. I’d leave baby to cry whilst wipe my own bottom!!

If you’re otherwise attentive a few minutes won’t do any harm OP.

https://iconcope.org/
This is the official advice.
Which is yes better to place a baby which you know is basically ok down and walk away for a few minutes, than being so stressed that the baby does get harmed.

My grandparents said that crying was good for a baby - it “exercises their lungs”. I used to hold on to that thought very hard indeed with my first born. If she wasn’t picked up at the first whimper she would work herself into a right state, and I’d have to hold her for ages before she’d even calm down enough to breastfeed. And of course sometimes you just can’t pick them up straight away, real life like going to the loo gets in the way. Oddly enough, she has grown into the most laid back adult I know, rarely if ever gets her knickers in a twist. And she seems to have very healthy lungs! . So whilst I agree you should pick a baby up as soon as is reasonably possible, I don’t think it matters in the long run if you just can’t.

You have to do what you have to do, you minimise them crying but if you need to help your other child you place them in a safe place and help them, ditto you need the toilet, or essential things. Once you have two children it’s simply not possible to be as perfect a parent as some here claim they are. I was clearly told that crying does not hurt them, to be minimised but especially when it comes to safety they are better off crying than being unsafe (eg when you are cooking)

It is always better for baby to be left to cry for a few minutes if it improves your mental health to take a minute and get your breath back.

When you have more than one child, sometimes babies have to cry too. Of course it won't hurt them.

@JulMay6 I'll be slated on here for this, but yes it's absolutely fine. I had 3.5 years between my two. I used to put dd in the cot for 10 minutes to give DS some time. The baby swiftly started dropping off to sleep.

She doesn't seem to have been harmed. 28, secondary teacher, took a first from Cambridge, getting married next year.

Hopefully not too off topic but my clingon baby (now 34), who wailed non stop the minute I took her out of her sling or put her down, turned out to love watching the washing machine from her car seat on the kitchen floor. It was bliss to be able to have a little while to do other things while knowing she was safe (and happy). If you've never tried washing machine "TV" I'd highly recommend it!

Honestly OP in reality it’s probably two minutes max and that’s fine. There is nothing you can do when you have other children. I remember just toilet trained DD had a poo explosion when DS was only a few weeks old and he had no choice but to be set down while I did operation clean up. It’s etched on my brain, also when DC3 was born I had a preschooler and a primary school child and sometimes DD didn’t like having to be taken out of the car as she might wake from a nap or whatever but I had to get on with it.

Mine loved the washing machine

I wouldn’t stress about it, OP. It might feel like 10 mins but in reality I imagine it’s only a couple at a time and sometimes it is unavoidable. I remember having to run and leave newborn DD2 crying in the middle of the living room floor because DD1 while trying to be helpful had sprayed sun cream in her eye!

I left my third baby 2-3 mins sometimes while I had to do stuff like hang washing out on the line. Longer than that I couldn’t bear

Crikey. I had twins – sometimes one was always crying when I had to tend to the other! C'est la vie.

When you have a toddler and a new born it is inevitable that you will sometimes have to leave baby to cry while you sort the toddler and equally sometimes the toddler will have to wait.

Thank you everyone. Just want to clarify although I put 5-10 mins in my OP I meant just whilst I need to do DS’s teeth or get bags in the car or ready, for an example. I’m not talking setting out 10 mins multiple times a day to let my tiny baby cry so that I can sunbath in the garden!

For my mental sake, and for baby who gets aggy after being in carrier for too long - I really do not want to wear her hours during the day

Mine hated the carrier and I've got to be honest, I hated it too. I know carriers work well for some but they really aren't always the answer for every situation/person.

Your mental health matters and if that sometimes needs to involve baby waiting for a few minutes, that is absolutely fine.

I'm in team no to newborn crying at a month old. My (then) 2 year old had to learn to wait whilst I was feeding. Sorry not sorry, welcome to life as an older sibling! Learning at a young age he wasn't the only person in the world was helpful to him.

Hm maybe I was mean to my older kid but if my newborn cried I'd stop what I was doing with the toddler and tell them to wait whilst I sorted the baby.

I would not personally view this as leaving a baby to cry. You can't physically meet the needs of two children (and yourself) without one of them having to wait sometimes, and I don't think it's fair to make that one sided (e.g. prioritise baby). I would try to let the baby know I was there, but I wouldn't worry if I couldn't. I think it does actually help the toddler if you do a lot of talking to the baby and reminding them that they need to wait and be patient, or not to worry because you're coming soon, because it makes it clear to the toddler that they are not the only one who sometimes has to wait for Mum to finish something else.

I feel this has become very extreme - when did the goal become arranging absolutely everything around the baby so that they never experience a moment of discomfort? Is that even healthy or natural? I don't believe in strict routines for babies or that they can be taught to wait, but I also don't know that it's right to try to obsessively shield them from ever experiencing anything hard.

Thank you. My son absolutely hated his carrier too! It’s also overwhelming when they are attached to you constantly too, I know I’ll get told off for saying that but when my toddler is having a tantrum and baby is crying whilst strapped to me in the 30 degrees heat , my head spins

It’s not necessary about him having to wait, sometimes I just can’t leave the house or get him ready or anything as my newborn wants all the cuddles! Which is absolutely understandable given how little she is, but I need to have a balance

Rubbish. With more than one child it is pretty much unavoidable. No need to put more pressure on a mum trying to figure it out.

I sort of agree with this. Not in the sense that we need to 'teach' tiny newborns to 'cope' with unpleasant feelings, but just that as parents we can't always prevent every single unpleasant feeling in our children, whatever their age. And when you have more than one child, even if some of them are much older than 3, they still very much need you sometimes so on occasion, for a few mins, baby does need to wait. I hated it, I hated hearing them cry, but it was always because another child needed something for a few minutes that required both my hands or whatever.