Help with parent boundaries about DS’ bedtime

[Justeffingdone]

My parents have always had a habit of pushing past my boundaries, especially my mum. My dad goes along with whatever makes his life easiest (i.e. keeping mum ‘happy’, not that she’s every actually happy), even when it comes at my expense. It’s been like this since I was a child.

The latest issue is DS’ bedtime. I’ve repeatedly asked them to leave before bedtime when they visit. They don’t help in any way, they just sit there like an audience while I try to sort everything out and get him down. By that point they’ve usually been at our house for 10+ hours and I’m completely frazzled (I’m realising that my nervous system just can’t take being around them in my space for that length of time. Sorry if that sounds stupid). Basically, they only want to stay to ‘clock up’ time with DS that they think my ILs are getting, as my mum is horrendously jealous of MiL.

Bedtime is stressful enough without feeling like they’re there to watch the DS Show. There’s also a whole lifetime of awful awful behaviour from my parents, especially my mum. Basically my dad has enabled her emotionally abusive and volatile behaviour for years.

A few weeks ago they ignored the boundary completely. They stayed and stayed and when I got back downstairs, I pretty much lost it and chucked them out. Afterwards my sister spoke to my dad about it and he said, “OP seemed stressed.”

Well… yes. Because I’d already asked them not to stay. my sister explained this to him too - so he has heard this multiple times now from multiple people (because apparently me saying it for myself means nothing to him).

This week he’s asked if they could come on Friday. I said yes, but they’d need to leave before bedtime. His response wasn’t “no problem”, it was “how about Saturday instead?” - like changing the day somehow changes the boundary? I said that Saturday would still mean leaving before bedtime. Since then, nothing, I’ve been left on read.

I’ve had a whole lifetime of feeling like my needs have come second to keeping my mum happy. My dad has spent 30+ years prioritising an easy life (or the easiest possible, anyway) over standing up for me, and now I feel like the same thing is happening with DS. His routine and our family life seem to matter less than my mum getting what she wants.

My mum 100% keeps score over grandparent time. Everything feels transactional. She doesn’t even interact properly with DS, she doesn’t want to play with him etc, she just seems to think she’s owed our time in some way.

If I could quietly fade away knowing they’d leave me alone, I’d have done it years ago.
Instead, I feel like I’m maintaining this bizarre facade of being a close family when privately I’m f*ing seething with resentment over the impact they’ve had on my life and the fact that even now, in my 30s with my own child, I still feel like I have to manage them.

Has anyone else reached this point with parents? Did you continue trying with firmer boundaries, or did you eventually realise the relationship itself wasn’t sustainable? Please help x

So if they are overstaying - 10rs!

and hour before bedtime you load yourself and your son out of the house and say you are meeting a friend for a short natter so goodbye and wait while they get out the door

best if you have a friend lined up , easiest if you have a car

Oh I feel you. In my bones. I know this ‘keeping score’ very well.

we have a 6:30pm cut off - up to bath and no grandparents upstairs as it was unhelpful and wound the kids up too much. Sometimes sending them a video showing them the shitty tantrum that comes after is the only way or perhaps changing things up so you meet them outside of the house.

do they literally just sit on the edge of the bathtub? What are they doing if they aren’t putting pyjamas on and reading stories?

I don't suppose you have a friend who they cannot stand, or if they really loathe MIL? And have them be there when they show up?

It sounds like she has a personality disorder so her behaviour of course isnt reasonable.

Does your MIL stay past bedtime?

The only reason I ask is because the people I know with a PD would need this boundary to be in place with everyone for them have a chance of not feeling personally attacked by it.

That's annoying when you only need it with them because of their specific behaviour. But, if you choose to have them in your life, then you have to do extra things like that to give them the best chance of behaving in a way that isn't toxic.

This is why a lot of people choose not to have those with PDs in their lives.

You need to have iron clad boundaries. They'll push back and tantrum like a toddler because they've never been told no. Then a new normal settles down in time. It's not easy and it's very painful and exhausting while you're setting the new expectations. But absolutely worth it in the end

I would say "bedtime" is too wishy washy. Pick a time, earlier than whatever time bedtime is, because you need some peace after the visit and before getting into the evening routine
So for example your boundary is they need to go home at 5pm. At 5pm, you stand up, gather their stuff together and hand it to them and say "it's been lovely, but it's time for you to make a move, see you next time" Then you walk to the front door and hold it open. Be assertive. It's ok to be strong, it's not rude and it's a great example for your DC.

Your parents are currently in the tantrum stage. Since seeing their GC is important to them, they'll have to calm down and move past it eventually. Leave them to it until then

How do they know how much time your MIL is spending with you? Stop telling them or allowing them access to the information.
You really have to start working on your boundaries and if that means no contact, then that is what it takes. Put you child first otherwise your child will grow up feeling the same as you feel now. The pattern is being repeated.
What does your husband say/think? He needs to be supportive.

10 hours is way too long already for me. They’ll arrive at 10-10.30 and still be there into the evening. They only live an hour away, they don’t need to stay so long.

They don’t even seem to enjoy seeing me, it’s literally tallying up grandparent time, as far as I can tell.

So sorry that you know this too!

No, they sit on the sofa like lemons and just watch me drying DS after his bath, getting him dressed for bed, reading him stories etc. Then it’ll take anywhere up to an hour to actually get him to sleep and I get downstairs for peace and they’re still bloody there on my sofa.

Maybe I’m misreading this but if they want to stay for ‘grand parent’ time then why not have them put the DC to bed whilst you and you DP go out? Seems like a win win??

MIL has never stayed past bedtime and wouldn’t overstep like that, no. She’s put DS to bed before for us when we’ve been out, but that’s been 4-5 times in his life and he’s 2 years old.

The worrying thing is that this isn’t even the proper tantrum stage. This is the precursor to worry me into submission.

Previously we’ve had (overblown or fictitious) health scares from my mum, bombardments of messages/phone calls, emotional blackmail, my dad driving up in tears etc. It could and would get a whole lot worse, unfortunately.

They know MiL does a day a week of childcare for us. Outside of that, I don’t mention her or my FIL at all to them because they’re driven so mad with petty jealousy

if they ask if you’re free Saturday maybe say yes we are until 4pm and then we are heading out. Let them come and actually leave the house if you can. If the suggest another day instead do the same thing. That’s is you want to see them at all.

Meet them in a cafe for lunch. Then go home.

Tell them straight their visits cause you too much stress.
What's the worst that can happen?

The worst that could happen is that they’d essentially stalk me, which is what’s previously happened. This is why I’ve not gone NC, despite wanting to. I’m too scared of the fallout (I know that’s cowardly).

When I was pregnant, my midwife recommended I actually speak to the police about my mum’s behaviour over decades, so there is at least an ‘official’ record somewhere of how she has behaved, in case anything else kicks off.

God that’s annoying. I always tell my parents it could take upwards of an hour to get them both down and then I need to tidy up and make my own dinner. It’s taken a little while but they will leave now. That boundary of us going upstairs is now their time to leave and see them out the door. I just say the kids can’t settle if they know they are downstairs.

Stick to your boundaries. Only you know what you can cope with.

We are put to use at bedtimes if we are there.
Our DS directs one of us to sit by bath and the other one to read bed time stories.
DS & DIL then can zone in on particular reading homework, clear lunch boxes and prepare bottle. The kids often ask us to clean their teeth and detangle and plait their hair.

Your parents do not seem useful.
Do they ever learn enough about bedtime to be able to babysit while you go out to eat with friend?

Oh OP, I feel every bit of this. I had a very schedule driven child and mine just didn’t understand his needs. They put their desires before what my son actually needed to be safe and calm, as well as the fact they didn’t understand he loved structure (later ND diagnosis).
I would put your general daily schedule on the fridge. For example
9:00 Mums and Tots
10:00 Park walk
10:30 Naptime
12:30 lunch
all the way to
17:30 - dinner/tea
18:00 empty house, no visitors
18:30 bed/bath
Then, the next time they ask to come over say, fine until 17:30. After that you must leave so we can get even schedule underway. If you can meet that arrangement then, I’ll say no.

There WILL be pushback, at which time you say, happy to meet you for an hour, in the park/softplay if you want quality time with DS. See what the response is.

I think really I should’ve called the thread ‘I want to go NC but I’m too scared and don’t know how’.

Stupidly I’m on holiday, today is our last day and I’m spending it feeling shit about my parents already starting up their nonsense before we’re even home.

I can’t imagine anyone coming for a 10 hour visit, that alone would crack me up.

Put a stop to the visits, suggest meeting at a park or soft play, or you go and visit them if you feel you must.

I think you are learning the hard way that you can’t set boundaries for other people, only for yourself. You get to choose what you do in any given situation (and that’s where your boundaries come in), but so can other people (which is why your mum completely ignores any boundary you’ve attempted to set for her).

So your boundary might be no guests staying beyond 6pm. That’s the one you can enforce. You open the door and send them home. You give them a warning at 5:45pm, and have them out the door by 6pm. That’s how they know you are serious about this. It’s your choice, followed up by your action.

They both have big birthdays (60) this autumn which I’m being expected (by my mum’s mum) to organise the party for. How do I square that with wanting to go NC? I’d happily never lay eyes on my mum again after the damage she’s done to me over the years.

Feel like I’m spiralling, sorry for this

They don't listen to your leave before bedtime statement. So, you either visit them at their house for a set amount of time, meet half way (as I see someone else suggested). You stop allowing them to come to your house.
Listen to your midwife and potentially speak to the police. This will benefit you if you have to go no contact and they kick off.
Seek some counselling to enable you to manage the situation better.
It may take time, but you can do this with the right support.

I’ve lived this, I just stopped them coming around in the end, I kept getting worn down etc, but then just said nope, evening visiting is off. You’re not to come and if it’s day I’ve made it very clear they have to leave. End off. It was just getting ridiculous, expect same issues with you as in-laws. Honestly thinking back to them days really make me think twice and with the second I haven’t allowed it x

Take measures to dodge them if you can't go full nc just yet. (Haven't seen my dm since 2012. Df since 1998)
Ring doorbells /cameras. Lock on back gate.

Find elsewhere to park your car to appear out. Blinds/shutters tilted so they can't see in.
Book tables anywhere under Jones (unless your name is Jones)
Did all of above dodging exh...