Help with parent boundaries about DS’ bedtime

[Justeffingdone]

My parents have always had a habit of pushing past my boundaries, especially my mum. My dad goes along with whatever makes his life easiest (i.e. keeping mum ‘happy’, not that she’s every actually happy), even when it comes at my expense. It’s been like this since I was a child.

The latest issue is DS’ bedtime. I’ve repeatedly asked them to leave before bedtime when they visit. They don’t help in any way, they just sit there like an audience while I try to sort everything out and get him down. By that point they’ve usually been at our house for 10+ hours and I’m completely frazzled (I’m realising that my nervous system just can’t take being around them in my space for that length of time. Sorry if that sounds stupid). Basically, they only want to stay to ‘clock up’ time with DS that they think my ILs are getting, as my mum is horrendously jealous of MiL.

Bedtime is stressful enough without feeling like they’re there to watch the DS Show. There’s also a whole lifetime of awful awful behaviour from my parents, especially my mum. Basically my dad has enabled her emotionally abusive and volatile behaviour for years.

A few weeks ago they ignored the boundary completely. They stayed and stayed and when I got back downstairs, I pretty much lost it and chucked them out. Afterwards my sister spoke to my dad about it and he said, “OP seemed stressed.”

Well… yes. Because I’d already asked them not to stay. my sister explained this to him too - so he has heard this multiple times now from multiple people (because apparently me saying it for myself means nothing to him).

This week he’s asked if they could come on Friday. I said yes, but they’d need to leave before bedtime. His response wasn’t “no problem”, it was “how about Saturday instead?” - like changing the day somehow changes the boundary? I said that Saturday would still mean leaving before bedtime. Since then, nothing, I’ve been left on read.

I’ve had a whole lifetime of feeling like my needs have come second to keeping my mum happy. My dad has spent 30+ years prioritising an easy life (or the easiest possible, anyway) over standing up for me, and now I feel like the same thing is happening with DS. His routine and our family life seem to matter less than my mum getting what she wants.

My mum 100% keeps score over grandparent time. Everything feels transactional. She doesn’t even interact properly with DS, she doesn’t want to play with him etc, she just seems to think she’s owed our time in some way.

If I could quietly fade away knowing they’d leave me alone, I’d have done it years ago.
Instead, I feel like I’m maintaining this bizarre facade of being a close family when privately I’m f*ing seething with resentment over the impact they’ve had on my life and the fact that even now, in my 30s with my own child, I still feel like I have to manage them.

Has anyone else reached this point with parents? Did you continue trying with firmer boundaries, or did you eventually realise the relationship itself wasn’t sustainable? Please help x

I’ve been where you are, OP, and I’ve gone NC with my parents. My mother did her worst when I finally set the boundary, and it caused untold harm, but it’s still better than having her around me and my children. DM me if you want to talk x

Can you not say, an hour before bedtime, you have to go now as I need to settle DC for bed.

So that makes sense. They’re notching up the hours so they are there longer than MIL when she goes childcare. This is beyond pathetic of both of them.

Just make it clear they are not staying more than a few hours - or whatever you can tolerate.

Yep, I agree that’s what they’re doing. Because they keep score and manipulate etc, that’s also what they think I’m doing when I try to establish a boundary.

My mum once told me I was ‘under the thumb’ of DH’s family. What she really meant was I wasn’t under her thumb any more.

"No, I'm not able to do that. Let me know what you work out."

Your son is 2. Before you know it, he'll be starting school and outside activities and you're not going to be able to set aside a day a week to cater to them so they don't go nuclear without your son losing out on things that benefit him. Interacting for a whole damn day with someone who sounds like they have a PD and her enforcer is not in his best interests.

It's time to deal with the hard stuff now.

Cut down any time spent with them If the visits are weekly, stop that immediately and go to every few weeks and gradually scale back. Don't give them a regular schedule. You and your son are doing things. What and where, they ask? Oh, we're seeing friends. You are working on his socialization. 😉

Visits are outside the home. They don't listen to your boundary, they don't visit. Don't give them information about your life. Look up grey rock and be the rock. She asks when was MIL here, you don't remember, it's been a while and you don't keep track.

And there's always move.

Do you not feel able to give it to her straight, as it were? Look, Mum, I know you’re just trying to stay as long as possible so you’ve been here longer than MIL. When she comes she actually helps, and she leaves before tea. I can’t be doing with you both hanging around and not actually doing anything. I need to have no visitors when i’m putting the kids to bed.

What would happen if you said something like that?

As others have said it’s time for boundaries

so when they ask if they can come you say yes but only until 2 then I have to go out. If they choose another day say something similar or just say sorry that’s not suitable

dont respond to texts and calls straight away. When you do say sorry I was busy and then respond but set boundaries if it’s because they want to come over.

as to the party you tell your grandmother you are not doing anything she and your father can sort it and don’t get involved

This sounds tough.
as for the party, “no, I won’t be organising the party” and stop talking at that point. Repeat ad nauseum.

No, she put the absolute fear of god in us as children and young adults because of her anger (on a spectrum of ‘absolute screaming rage’ to ‘days of silent treatment’). I realised quite young that my schoolfriends weren’t afraid of their mums but didn’t fully understand how weirdly mine behaved till quite a lot later.

The conditioning runs really deep and I think both of my parents have exploited that over the years. Even a few weeks ago, they turned up with my sister almost unannounced - it was only by chance that I found out they’d all been planning to come to mine to take DS swimming, my sister had even booked the day off work. They all just assume I won’t say no, then really really don’t like it when I start to.

I do think I’m going to have to get assertive with them at long fucking last, if not outright angry. They’re lucky they get to see DS at all after how they’ve treated me. My dad even foresaw that when I was about 21-22, he came to me crying that he thought I wouldn’t let him and mum see my (future hypothetical) children. So he does know that what happened to us warrants me putting my children first and removing them from the relationship with my parents. It’d absolutely be in all of our best interests at this stage. I worry about seeing them for days before a visit, then take days to recover, and by that time, the next time’s come around. It’s fucking relentless.

Thanks all for your kind, thoughtful, constructive replies. I really appreciate them.

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. Have you thought about working with a counsellor to help you?
i went NC with a family member a few years ago. She screamed and yelled and whilst it wasn’t pleasant, it wasn’t the end of the world and the relief of never having to see her again is fantastic. I appreciate your mum and dad might put up more of a fight but actually making up your mind that you are going to go through with it and meaning it gives you power. I think finding someone to help you untangle your feelings and plan a way forward could be really helpful. Good luck.

I think id be blunt. And msg

Tell them you will meet them every second week on x day at a play centre half way between two house for 2 hours. They are not welcome jn your home as they cant respect your boundaries. If they cant agree to this then you will not be contacting them anymore and changing your number.

Thank you so much, that’s so kind. Sorry you’ve been through similar too.

I do think I agree with the PPs who said they think it sounds like my mum has a personality disorder. I think she’s really really insecure and damaged and the whole family system is built around making her feel ‘ok’, or as ok as she can do, at everyone else’s expense. I won’t have that happen at DS’ expense too and I’m absolutely outraged that that’s pretty much what my dad is getting at with this bedtime thing. The bedtime thing itself is small fry on its own but it’s a symptom of something much much bigger and older that my son is better off out of.

I think it is likely that you will find the strength to push back hard now as this is affecting how you are parenting your DC. I think it is very understandable that you’ve let them bully you for years as you were brought up that way - but I’ve known quite a few women lose it with problem parents, especially DMs, when their behaviour affects the DC.

On a much lower level I couldn’t be bothered pushing back over minor things or comments about me and DH - but the minute there were comments about whether a car seat was really necessary for a short journey I almost hit the roof. DH knew that if he didn’t address this with PIL there would be trouble. Ditto over hot drinks left on low tables when mine were toddlers.

As pp's have said, you need to establish boundaries.

They won't like it, but they'll get used to it.

This is an extremely stressful situation for you. If my best friend in the whole world came round for 10 hours l would lose the will to live not to talk about an annoying unhelpful parent.
I may have missed this but do you live alone with your child? I ask this as my dh would be ruthless in this situation. I had a relative from my extended family who had a personality disorder and was notoriously difficult to get rid of when she called. No length of visit was ever enough. I tried to be kind bur it was headwrecking. My dh would just open the door and cheerfully say thats enough for today we will see you again soon and while she would huff and puff she would be gone. He actually didn't mind her calling as knew he could end it whenever he wanted while l dreaded it if he wasn't there as l found it difficult to do that. But l learnt from him.
These people only understand direct talk. Others might get a hint like saying its bedtime now. But for your parents be so direct which is alien to you but needed. Stand up, open the door and say you need to go now as Tom is going to bed or needs to do homework if its earlier. . I will in touch and ignore the mood. Keep smiling but not backing down. Remember you are doing nothing wrong. That' s normal.
Recently we visited our dd and her dh. She was in the early stages of pregnancy. We had a cup of tea and chatted awhile then she said l need to rest now as not feeling great. We said sure..mind yourseldf and off we went. Absolutely no issue. Thats normal!

You'll be ok OP - people in your situation often find the courage when they have children and realize that it's not just themselves being affected anymore. Rip the band aid off - find strength in imagining them treating your child the way they treat you (because they will if you let them).

I've just had my 70th birthday and while there were only 8 of us it was complicated. I organised it and paid for it. Other family members helped me but I organised it. They don't have a two year old. They need to organise their own birthdays.

I wonder if you need a moving house plan so your parents no longer know where you live.

Much less scary starting points: find the Stately homes threads in the Relationships board, try Women's Aid, try your health visitor all for advice.

Consider inviting a friend over when your parents are visiting in the interim - I suspect they'll behave better with an audience.

Hi op Could you say if they visit it’s only for 2 hours as you have a responsibility to do everything around the house and mention mil doing this. It sounds like you’re trapped in a relationship you don’t want. If it’s not to be helpful to you or ds can you try and reduce it to less visit’s a month. If she says your under dh family thumb could you say no mother I’m not it’s just that dh family is normal and mil is helpful when she’s here you don’t interact much with us so I don’t see why you would want to be here for so long.

It's horrible being scared of your parents' reaction as an adult. I think you need professional help so that you have support to go no contact. And/or relocate and don't tell them your new address.

Just see less of them.

Meet them at the park.