AIBU to question things after husband frightened me while I’m recovering?

[PeopleThatYouThoughtYouKnew]

Detail change for reasons that’ll become evident…
So me and DH have been together 20 years give or take, no break ups or anything- just a few issues. No unfaithfulness on either side- I’m pretty certain about that- just difficulties.
The latest being I severely broke a leg bone falling down the stairs and have had to spend about 6 months in hospitals and rehab (open fracture) so we have had to be separated (not in a marital way- in a physical way, hospital etc. was a long way from home).
It’s been really tough on everyone in the family- I just got home about 4 weeks ago and his attitude for the first 2? Perfection.
I realise this has been tough for him and our doggie too of course!
I’m still in a cast- a lot of pain- and unable to do a LOT- not allowed or able to put weight through my leg as it’s still healing SLOWLY- so he’s been asking me what I want for meals and I’ve been trying to make it as easy as possible for him.
We don’t really have any family support so I just go with whatever he wants mainly- but today I had a really upset stomach due to the medication I have to take for the leg wound- it comes and goes- so I was a bit more specific (still easy food for a 40 year old to make- but specific). He was having a spicy chicken breast and I asked for mine to be plain- that’s all. I thank him SO much even when he brings me even a cuppa and honestly don’t expect a cooked meal every night- just the amount of time I’ve been in hospitals and the like I can’t face another ready meal and would happily sit down to a plate of cauliflower or whatever.
Tonight I got just that. And I thanked him a lot as usual. I actually didn’t mind it one bit to be fair- I just slammed on a load of pepper!
Anyway the point of the tale was that he got really really drunk- something I’m also not against and would want to do myself if I could (no children just my medical situation right now doesn’t allow for it).
I felt vulnerable and he started being quite angry towards me. He turned off lights that I can’t reach and was shouty and telling me to do things physically that I can’t still when basically all I can do is sort out my own toilet/cleaning/medication/water needs on the crutches.
He was fully backing me coming home (I know because the rehabilitation place rang him first)- and like I say he’s been wonderful the huge majority of the time.
But he made me scared. Scared because I am still so unable to do things for myself- scared because I don’t know how long this cast is going to have to stay on (I have a lot of other health conditions making this the flake in the ice cream)- scared because when I think back a month or whatever when I got back the place was in total disarray (apart from the dog)- scared that he has some sort of carer burnout that I haven’t known was going on because I literally was not here- and selfishly scared of what impact it will have on me.
We have an opportunity to move by the end of the year to somewhere I can access more independently- we’ve already tried carers and they cost so much and are not allowed to do so much of what we as a couple actually need to help us.
Here I am after 5am in the morning, DH is passed out in a drunken sleep- and I have a nurse coming in a few hours to check in on me.
AIBU to be questioning everything?
I feel for and tell DH how much I value him and all he does- and I really do- but I know I need to look after myself as much as I can too.
Sorry for the long post, any advice or suggestions or criticism is appreciated

You see threads from women at the end of their tethers on here all the time.

OP says she has other health issues so it could be that he has been caring for her for a lot longer than four weeks.

I would struggle to care for someone for a week, let alone four or longer. We’re all different and just because some people can cope for months or years on end, doesn’t mean we should be lambasting those who maybe don’t find it as manageable.

That’s not to say his behaviour is acceptable but we all struggle with different things.

Yea thats usually after years of shit though. This dudes had to step up slightly for a mere 4 weeks.

I'm going to address the sex thing as I didn't in my earlier post.
My DH and I didn't have sex for six months as I'd had an ovarian tumour. He's also a big man and I couldn't carry his weight ( other options are available!) but you know what? I married for life and so did he. I didn't know how much he loved me until they told him I had 52% chance of dying.

The bloke needs to man up or OP will be buying it all in when she's better.

No, they don't.

This man is just an arsehole.

OP says she has lots of other health issues so until she comes back to clarify, we don’t know whether this is just a “mere four weeks” or whether it’s something he’s been doing for a lot longer.

Even then it is still not ok to abuse your power (able bodied-ness) to frighten the person in your care and deliberately nake them feel helpless and vulnerable.

If he is "burning out" after years of care then he needs a better way of dealing with it

Yep, which is exactly what I said upthread - he needs to find some support for carers and they both need to find a way for OP to be supported that doesn’t depend entirely on her husband.

This sounds truly awful, OP, and I don't blame you at all for feeling scared and shaken. That said, I wouldn't necessarily 'question everything' because of a single incident. If your dh has generally been a good man and good, loving husband over the years, then this is probably the result of stress. That does NOT make it acceptable, of course - but it also doesn't mean that he's suddenly morphed into someone else or is showing you his 'true colours' (after two decades!) or whatever.

Talk to him. Find out what's going on with him. Gauge how he responds to you and then take it from there.

Hi op

please speak to the nurse about this.

i had an open ankle fracture with a similarly long recovery and my dh struggled to cope.

we had kids as well, and the kids stepped up more than my dh did - they made what meals they could (sarnies and pasta mostly).

my dh also started drinking, and had episodes where he would just get very shouty and often go off and leave me in the kids while we were out and as I was in a wheelchair we’d literally be stuck where we were until he got over his tantrum and came back to us

I got very scared of him. Once he refused to take me to the toilet when I needed it and just disappeared and I had to crawl into the toilet.

yes, carer burnout is a thing. But it can result in the disabled person being subject to abuse which is frankly very scary.

speak to the nurse and ask for help. There will be a carers group that he may be able to go to. If you have money it’s unlikely the nhs/social care will fund carers but if you can afford a cleaner and someone to sort out some meals it’ll take the strain off both of you.

be careful and watch out for any escalation.

Sounds like he had a pretty long break from whatever other potential caring he may or may not have had to do though.

Im assuming op would have mentioned if him being a "carer"/making tea, cauliflower, pressing switches and similar tasks you could train a chimp to do was a much longer term thing from before.

But even then hes had 6 months to recharge. Nothing will convince me hes got burnout/fatigue/whatever (which i do realise no one will care about 🤣) and tbh burnout is losing all meaning for me now and just means "a bit tired" its used that bloody much.

OP has other health issues.

Who knows, he might be an abusive arse showing his true colours, or he might be someone at the end of their tether feeling the pressure of caring physically and financially.

Yes some people are "better" than others in that they can take the mental and physical load of care, some people crack and find the strain unbearable.

Having a relative in hospital for 6 months isn't an easy ride, especially if the hospital is a distance from home. No recharge happens then!! Some of you clearly have no idea what you're talking about.

Why are people saying 'just four weeks'? It's been seven months including the time OP was in hospital/rehab which I assume meant daily visits around work and other commitments for her DH, as well as the anxiety. And OP has just described this as 'the latest thing'. So things sound very difficult.

OP I'm really sorry for the mess that you are in, it sounds extremely difficult. But I would also say that this has been difficult on both of you. What do you want to happen?

So at first it was caring for years for an assumed illness was the cause of burnout, now it's just having op in hospital (which is tough, I do know 🙄, having had many loved ones in hospital that I knew wouldnt actually come out alive).

Maybe hes burnt out as the dog needed stroking double the amount to make up for op not being there and it was just too much 🙄

Yes but they tend to have been doing it for years and manage not to get steaming drunk and then deliberately turn lights out which their disabled partner can’t reach just to goad them.

Let’s call a spade a spade; this guy may be suffering from carer fatigue but he is also an abusive drunk.

Yanbu.
Unfortunately many men cannot cope with being a carer.
What he did was highly abusive and you need to tell the nurse.
Do not make the mistake of protecting his abuse with secrecy.

The exhaustion and frustration is understandable (for both of you).

The getting really, really drunk on a Tuesday night (any night, really on a regular basis) would just completely repel me and is not something I would do when caring for a loved one.

I think all you can do is talk, at a good time when things are calm.

What else is he doing, based on OPs post?

I am not saying carers fatigue isn’t real, I am saying from the information given that he isn’t actually doing that much and carers fatigue doesn’t excuse him being abusive

Darling you need to tell the nurse everything. You need to be safe to recover. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Get a cleaner who can make a sandwich for you

can you talk to him ?

That's quite an extrapolation assuming that this is the first time something like this has happened.
Whilst not condoning the behaviour, he is presumably working a job, looking after the house and now looking after a disabled person (including, I would assume, feeding, medication, bathing, toilet duties, etc) and is increasingly burnt out.

Wow.

What exactly are you scared about?

Were you scared for your physical safety?

Your thread implied it but then you say you’re scared about the house being disarray or him having a career burnout - which is very different to being scared for your safety.

I’m confused why you’re so grateful to him making you a meal.

It sounds like you have no young children and only a dog - so the house doesn’t need much cleaning.

I assume he cooks and cleans half of the time anyway, so it’s literally just a couple of extra days he needs to cook - hardly stressful.

If you needed proper care, then I could understand why he may be burnt out but it sounds like he’s just cooking and cleaning which is nothing.

Obviously I’m sure he has been worried about you for the past few months and that has taken its toll so it is ok for him to be a bit stressed but not to scare you.

Have you had your quit work and lost your income so he’s struggling to pay the bills or something?

I think you tell the nurse exactly what you’ve said here - they need to know.

One incident like this is one too many.