AIBU to question things after husband frightened me while I’m recovering?

[PeopleThatYouThoughtYouKnew]

Detail change for reasons that’ll become evident…
So me and DH have been together 20 years give or take, no break ups or anything- just a few issues. No unfaithfulness on either side- I’m pretty certain about that- just difficulties.
The latest being I severely broke a leg bone falling down the stairs and have had to spend about 6 months in hospitals and rehab (open fracture) so we have had to be separated (not in a marital way- in a physical way, hospital etc. was a long way from home).
It’s been really tough on everyone in the family- I just got home about 4 weeks ago and his attitude for the first 2? Perfection.
I realise this has been tough for him and our doggie too of course!
I’m still in a cast- a lot of pain- and unable to do a LOT- not allowed or able to put weight through my leg as it’s still healing SLOWLY- so he’s been asking me what I want for meals and I’ve been trying to make it as easy as possible for him.
We don’t really have any family support so I just go with whatever he wants mainly- but today I had a really upset stomach due to the medication I have to take for the leg wound- it comes and goes- so I was a bit more specific (still easy food for a 40 year old to make- but specific). He was having a spicy chicken breast and I asked for mine to be plain- that’s all. I thank him SO much even when he brings me even a cuppa and honestly don’t expect a cooked meal every night- just the amount of time I’ve been in hospitals and the like I can’t face another ready meal and would happily sit down to a plate of cauliflower or whatever.
Tonight I got just that. And I thanked him a lot as usual. I actually didn’t mind it one bit to be fair- I just slammed on a load of pepper!
Anyway the point of the tale was that he got really really drunk- something I’m also not against and would want to do myself if I could (no children just my medical situation right now doesn’t allow for it).
I felt vulnerable and he started being quite angry towards me. He turned off lights that I can’t reach and was shouty and telling me to do things physically that I can’t still when basically all I can do is sort out my own toilet/cleaning/medication/water needs on the crutches.
He was fully backing me coming home (I know because the rehabilitation place rang him first)- and like I say he’s been wonderful the huge majority of the time.
But he made me scared. Scared because I am still so unable to do things for myself- scared because I don’t know how long this cast is going to have to stay on (I have a lot of other health conditions making this the flake in the ice cream)- scared because when I think back a month or whatever when I got back the place was in total disarray (apart from the dog)- scared that he has some sort of carer burnout that I haven’t known was going on because I literally was not here- and selfishly scared of what impact it will have on me.
We have an opportunity to move by the end of the year to somewhere I can access more independently- we’ve already tried carers and they cost so much and are not allowed to do so much of what we as a couple actually need to help us.
Here I am after 5am in the morning, DH is passed out in a drunken sleep- and I have a nurse coming in a few hours to check in on me.
AIBU to be questioning everything?
I feel for and tell DH how much I value him and all he does- and I really do- but I know I need to look after myself as much as I can too.
Sorry for the long post, any advice or suggestions or criticism is appreciated

I know this isn't the most headline aspect of your post, OP, but did you say he made you a plate of cauliflower for dinner? That's it?

As others have said, a lot of this depends on whether this was a one-off or if it’s a pattern.

Carer burnout is a very real thing and can absolutely show up as resentment and anger toward the person who is ill (even though it’s in no way their fault). Either way, you need to have a proper talk and get to the root of all of this. If it’s a one-off fuelled by alcohol, he still needs help (counselling, carer support etc).

However if it’s a pattern of behaviour, it’s no longer about him but about you and making sure that you’re safe and away from someone who’s abusive.

His behaviour was despicable and cruel.

No "oh buts" from me after that sentence.

Please tell the nurse what happened if youre frightened.

I was a carer for DH until he died recently. I know I got angry and shouty. The support out there is non-existent in many places. I always apologised and before DH died we were very close. But it is so tough and no one who has never done it cannot know the depths you hit

I am suddenly a carer for my mum, who can only manage the toilet/commode, and a painful hobble/crawl to a chair.... and for who every movement is pain everywhere. so just know that I am coming at this from that angle.

What he did is abhorrent. Why on earth would he want to frighten you? Turn of lights you cannot reach deliberately etc That is some dark shit. I cannot imagine being a prick and doing something to frighten mum because she cannot move. I just cannot imagine it. Because I love her. And even though all this sudden carer role is hard, frightening a disabled person in their own home is not the answer. Why they hell would he do that?

YANBU to be spooked by this

I can’t get over the fact you came home to the house in disarray. He had been home, alone with the dog, for months - and he couldn’t keep it in a basic state of cleanliness and tidiness? Even if he was working full time, he should have been able to keep on top of the house - it’s not as if he was having to care for you or kids at the time. This to me says he’s lazy.

Now you are home he’s realised he doesn’t get to be lazy anymore. He’s had to step up. He was “perfect” the first two weeks because it was novel and he was reaping in your gratitude. But now reality has hit and he’s realised that this is life for the foreseeable and it’s a bit shit. He’s not thinking about how much worse it is for you - he’s selfishly thinking about the impact on him. And so he got drunk and took it out on you.

That isn’t ok. If it were a one off, and he’s usually not abusive, a conversation once he’s sobered up and perhaps not hungover is very much needed. If, however, there’s any history of abusive behaviours, or you think he has a drinking problem, talk to the nurse and ask for help.

You are in an extremely vulnerable position. He should be going out of his way to make you feel safe and loved - not being the one you are scared of.

Sorry OP but your husband is being abusive.
I was a full time (18 hours a day) carer for 3 1/2 years. It's fucking awful. My dad had some outside help but I just had to get on with it.

Two years ago I fell ill. I thought I was burnt out from my big cheese London job. It was something life threatening and my husband cared for me. He bought disability aids, carried me to the shower (I was a big girl then, no small task!) and wiped my bum at times, TMI but important in this context. Never did he shout at me or leave me in the dark.
He can't cook either so he bought ready meals or I had plain chicken, veg etc. marks is your friend here. Our son was home from London and at one stage he actually fed me. That's love and how it should be.

I'm an ex drinker so I know some people self medicate but that's selfish of him when you're incapacitated. What if you fall and he's too pissed to help?

I hope your husband apologizes today. If it's a one off get the outside help you need.
Use money you've saved. Health is everything and you need a comprehensive plan for getting better.

Op could you say if hes having to do a lot more than making teas, making you an extra portion of food hes already cooking, and turning lights off and such like fairly low level things?

It might help with the type of responses and give an idea of how fatigued and burnt out this man could be after 4 weeks of helping his wife.

This, if op can’t transfer out of bed to turn a light off she sounds “bed bound” which is a huge strain on both the person and their carer.

Being a carer is ABSOLUTELY exhausting! I don’t think people realise how demanding it is. Sounds like he has reached a breaking point…you need to get meals on wheels or something, or an au pair to prep meals and do light cleaning. Trust me, the husband doing everything is not sustainable long term.

Others have made lots of suggestions for practical help. How is your DH this morning (apart from hungover). Is he embarrassed or ashamed?

His behaviour will give you an indication as to what should happen next. Focus on your own recovery first and quietly make plans for when you're fully recovered.

Not fully but partly. Preschool.

What do ypu do to interact with other people while you are home?
Does he get to go out or away for a day to breath and take time for himself?
Do you grt to leave the house ?
Can a nurse step in and offer more help or some extra hekp?
Awful...tell him how you felt.
No its ok to feel frightend... was it how you felt and or as well as trying to make you scared?
I hope family are nearby?.

I can't believe people are making excuses for his behaviour, yes of course carer burnout is real and he's obviously feeling the strain. Shouting and getting snappy is one thing but to turn lights off that the op can't reach (or can't reach without extreme physical stress) and making her a plate of cauliflower just because she asked for her chicken to be plain is very mean and quite cruel actually.

He should be totally ashamed of himself. If he's not then that shows you what kind of person he is.

why are we all excusing this mans abusive behaviour? This is not ok OP.

all those saying carer burn out, I get it, it is real, but OP is managing her own medication, water, self care and toileting needs. It’s been 4 weeks and all this man has had to do is what, cook meals (which he is also eating), clean the house (where he also lives) and make a few cuppas.

That isn’t carer burnout, that is lazy man not being waited on hand and foot anymore syndrome.

Because it’s not “just” doing those things.

I’m sorry but all the stuff about “carer fatigue” and burnout wtf? Yes being a carer is enormously stressful and draining but it’s not a license to be a vindictive asshole to someone who is vulnerable and trapped.

No doubt he would also benefit from support but he needs to take responsibility for this and not take it out on his spouse.

Another day, another horrible bastard being defended on MN.

Carer burnout after 4 weeks of general low level errands. All the lolz. Try wiping an 80-odd year olds backside and spoon feeding them for 3 years after finishing an 8 hour day, while dodging cups and whatever is near being yeeted at you.

Be sure to tell him how he behaved when drunk. Is drinking usually a problem?
Would DH agree not to drink so much?

Can you invite friend over next time he drinks or suggest he has night out with mate weekly?
He is suffering carer burnout.
Not your fault but try to make him less responsible for everything.

👏👏👏👏

Hi OP
It must be so hard for both of you. Being disabled and in need of help is hard but so is suddenly being thrust into the role of carer especially if it doesn't come naturally.
One thing that struck me from your post is that you try and not cause any extra work for your husband so don't ask for what you want to eat and thank him "so much" for every little thing he does. In all honesty that can make it harder for the person doing the caring.
When I was caring for my mum I would ask her what she wanted to eat and she would say "anything" or I'll have whatever you're having. I would try and think of something we both would like (she didn't like the same thing as me) and make it only for her to push it around the plate and obviously not enjoy it. Three times a day, every day.
And she was always so grateful it made me feel bad. It was as if she didn't think I would do these things just because I loved her. It made me feel terrible.
It was so exhausting and demoralising. I wanted to do the best for her but I couldn't.
Eventually it came to a head over fish and chips. I had asked if she fancied a chippy tea and she had said no that's too much bother. So I made something (that took twice as long as getting a chippy would have). She sorted of sighed at me and then said a chippy would have been nice. That was a kick in the teeth.
I did what any wimp would do. I started to cry and then called my husband to rant. Once I calmed down (and on his advice) I sat down and told her how much harder she was making things. That if she would express an opinion it would help reduce the stress of trying to look after her.
She did try after that. It wasn't perfect but it was easier.
I wonder if your plate of cauliflower was my fish and chips moment. If you said (as you said here) anything is fine, even a plate of cauliflower. And so your DH gave you what you asked for out of almost desperation.

I remember when I was suddenly plunged into caring for my mother years ago, when she'd previously been really healthy, active, the centre of our community, but she became very ill very suddenly. It is HARD. Everything changes. I had to stop work and live off savings. I had to watch her become a shadow of herself and forget who she even was. I don't drink, but I definitely could see why someone would! It was incredibly frustrating and so hard. You can't explain it to anyone who hasn't done the same.

I know your case isn't as dramatic but it is still really hard on your husband. Do not take any shit but he needs to make sure he is looking after himself, too, so he can help you heal quickly. I don't agree that he is "horrendous" and "abusive" but he does need to keep his frustrations in check.

Wow that's a huge recovery time for an open fracture.
I think you need to start doing more things for yourself. On the cooking side I would sit cut up veg and meat and have a slow cooker plugged in by my chair so I could make my own (and DH's) meals. You are understsndably feeling vulnerable and taking back control of things will help with that- it will also help your DH who is obviously feeling the strain of having to do everything.

Can people stop with the carer burnout. All he had to do was keep house and walk the dog. The OP sees to her own needs, he's just doing what any single person does. He's doing a lot less than a single mum with a sickness bug being passed between children. He isn't getting sex, which seems to set some men off.
@PeopleThatYouThoughtYouKnew this could be the start of abuse, speak to your Nurse who is coming today. This needs openness and he can't be allowed to dismiss this. Did he really serve you a plate of cauliflower? That combined with his DA is chilling. This will escalate. If the Nurse can get you back into rehab, go.

Just out of interest, because I've never lived alone, always having to care for children/my DH (who died), then I've been a carer in the family and now care for my DP, do single people, who can't afford cleaners really crack up like this? Do they abuse their friends who come for tea etc? I don't see it among working single Mums, or other women who help elderly parents/their children with childcare etc.