To say open relationships are bullshit

[Thingsivesaid]

Im in my 40s and nearly everyone around me now seems to be in open relationships. They are just full of crap! Can anyone really honestly say they are in one and no one is getting hurt? Honestly?
I've watched a former friend bordering on neglecting her child in the throws of a new side-relationship. Another one was pretty much pressured to be in one and now she has to pretend shes having fun. I was just pursued by a man who seemed super nice and genuine just to find out he actually has this 'arrangement' with his partner.
I think if you are going to do this bullshit, at least leave us single people out of it and partnered people just can go get off on each other. I cant think of anything more gross than the idea of having sex with someone and them going back home to their wife. 🤮

'So the 'community' needs to check themselves. Its gross.'

The word you're looking for is men. Men need to check themselves. Wherever there are men, in whichever community, there is opportunistic behaviour and the poor or criminal treatment of women and children.

Surely not even you will attempt to blame non monogamous people for that.

The only reason i use that expression because pp who is doing this used it.
We have certain cultural norms and behaviours we tend to follow. For example If you have a ring, i wont pursue you. But if you take it off i assume you're single unless you tell me otherwise. If you don't tell me and actively pursue me, its deceit.

I don't think they work, I spent a large chunk of my childhood growing up in a commune where "free love" was practiced and the result was total and utter misery all round especially for us children, we weren't harmed directly but to be around so many unhappy adults including our parents was awful and hugely damaging. Many of us were really messed up by that and widely kids whose parents engaged in these kinds of relationships suffer a lot. Even if people want to experiment with this please do not do it if you have children. However I think that those who do will do what they want anyway and are often deeply selfish people.

Women may have a financial reason to stay because they need his pay packet.

I knew two women like this who were repeatedly cheated on but had no way of leaving because they couldn't afford to keep themselves and a couple of kids.
Fast forward 15 years and the women had got back into employment and were both earning well.
In both cases on the day the youngest child got married the wives left. One to go with her lover who she'd kept under wraps for a year or so, the other to her own flat which she'd quietly bought just before.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold"...

Of course I wouldn't tell her if she was not somebody I was close to! I'd think it though.

I can tell you operate and thrive in this grey area..

I think you'd be better off asking everyone who you might date their relationship status as habit.

I'm monogamous so I don't have to disclose other partners. Generally, though, I am upfront with everyone about what I will need to agree to something.

Eg, if a friend invites me to a restaurant, I say upfront that I will come as long as it isn't X cuisine because it is annoyingly populat but I hate it. I don't wait until I am there and hope that nobody has X in mind.

So say your best female friend, if she told you she is in love with her husband and boyfriend, you'd tell her that you know her feelings better than her and she isn't feeling love for them? And that would be based on the fact that she is female so can't?

You lost me at "if you don't have a ring I presume you're single". That's just ridiculous - you do know that unmarried, monogamous people can be in a relationship or even (and I know, it's a shocker) be married and not wear a ring?!

Its an example of a cultural norm. Not the only way to be in a relationship. Obviously.

Yes I would.
Why wouldn't I?
She could then tell me I'm wrong, but I still would think I'm right.
As before, I wouldn't be saying this to somebody I wasn't very close to partly because I don't give that much of a toss about what mess other consenting adults I'm not close to do.

This is an anonymous forum to express opinions on certain topics.

I think you need to consider whether an adult woman might know herself better than you do. You seem to have a lot of internalised misogyny and general entitlement.

You can say "if I was your husband, I wouldn't feel loved". You cant tell other people how they feel. That behaviour just makes you an arsehole regardless of the topic.

Oh so we're agreeing that there's more than one way to be in a relationship? Ace. You enjoy yours, and others can enjoy theirs. If an individual behaves badly towards you, I suggest dealing with that as you see fit instead of ranting about an entire group of individuals whom you seem to think are some sort of organised gang 👌

That's because you were raised by narcissists.
People in open relationships often are.
No thought that being 'open' about it may be harmful to the children as opposed to a discreet affair that they go to lengths to hide.

This is different from people who can split their home life from extra marital fun and not mix the two. Ever.

These adults had no concern for the impact it had on the children therefore didn't even consider keeping it private.

It's good for them so it must be good for everybody.

Open relationships are bullshit because someone always ends up hurt. Either one of the original couple, the side pieces or the children if there are any. And for what? The high of shagging around and external validation.
I havent seen a successful example play out in real life and no one has given a real example here either. So I stick to my opinion. Most of them are shit shows. And an exception would just prove the rule.

"I'm right because nobody here has shared their own experience, but if they did it would just prove that I'm right even more."

I can see you really want an open debate about this OP, so glad you posted.

Oh for goodness sake, of course I'd be tactful about it.

Wouldn't stop me thinking she no longer loved him if she were shagging around, though.

Or are people not allowed opinions now?

Men have been wanting this since the dawn of time. Thought we were making progress but I guess we've decided to give them exactly what they want. Not to say that lots of women don't want them too, but I think we've all been socialised to think this is somehow a good deal. You are being very reasonable!

If both the OC are enthusiastic about non l-monogamy and won't accept anything else, how will they get hurt?

If the new partner is aware and content with the limitations of their partner and/or they make them more compatible due to similar limitations, how will they get hurt?

If your children are unaware and just know that sometimes their parents go out for an evening, how will they get hurt?

Agree.
Think of what sort of person has them.
I think the difference between a normal cheat is that they are at least aware of the instability the knowledge of them shagging around would bring and at least try to hide it.

These people in open relationships aren't even aware of the damage and instability it can cause their kids.

Either that are they don't care.

Essentially it is the difference between being selfish and totally self-absorbed.

"An exception would just prove the rule" 😂

Why stop there, OP? Why not add "IDST" to the end of your post, to make it EXTRA true?

You're allowed opinions, they belie your character.

It isn't about being allowed them, it's about the type of person who thinks they know someone better than they know themselves. Or in this case, someone who think they know all women.

I wouldn't want to be that type of person. I can't imagine them being liked very much by anyone.

'So I stick to my opinion.'

You stick to your opinion! So what?

Yep.
Yet I've been accused of misogyny and anti-feminist for not agreeing with open relationships.
I got to laugh.