To say open relationships are bullshit

[Thingsivesaid]

Im in my 40s and nearly everyone around me now seems to be in open relationships. They are just full of crap! Can anyone really honestly say they are in one and no one is getting hurt? Honestly?
I've watched a former friend bordering on neglecting her child in the throws of a new side-relationship. Another one was pretty much pressured to be in one and now she has to pretend shes having fun. I was just pursued by a man who seemed super nice and genuine just to find out he actually has this 'arrangement' with his partner.
I think if you are going to do this bullshit, at least leave us single people out of it and partnered people just can go get off on each other. I cant think of anything more gross than the idea of having sex with someone and them going back home to their wife. 🤮

People have agency.

Don't be so wet.

The problem with 'open' relationships, as I see it, is that women can get sex easier than men, which causes an imbalance, jealousy and ill-feeling.

So Fred says "Hey, let's open up this relationship"
Betty says "OK"

A month down the line and Betty's brought a different guy back to the flat every week. Meanwhile Fred is struggling to get a coffee date with a girl at Starbucks.

The moral of this story is 'don't ask for what you want because you might get it' !

Yes, exactly. I’ve seen it work well longterm, but not among suburbanite with 2.2 children types. And yes, monogamy is not exactly a shining success story either.

You ate right that anyone trying to start a new relationship should be open about being non-monogamous. But millenia of humans suggests it's naive to expect everyone will behave like that.

I don't see the problem with non-monogamy if everyone involved is aware and consenting (including of STI test results), though. It's not for everyone, but it is what some people want.

No one expects you to love only one parent, only one sibling, one child, one friend. Why should it be the case that everyone can only love one romantic partner? Plus you can have sex without love.

The problem is they are not upfront.

Obviously im exaggerating a bit. Its not everyone, but im really surprised how many. The only reason i found out that the guy who was really into me was in one, is because i thought to ask. And that is only because i see so much of it around me. He didn't exactly volunteer the information. I already had kissed him many times by then, luckily nothing more.

Im divorced and not exactly looking for the love of my life, but i do want to know if im the entertainement in someones unsatisfactory coupled life.
Another guy i met through friends and he was super into me as well. Didnt mention his marriage at all. But my friends kindly informed me before i even got the chance to give him my number. Yuck!

I personally woudn't but I have no issues with the idea if 2 consenting adults are happy and I don't buy this one person not agreeing, if you don't want it done then don't do it own your own thoughts and decisions and don.t blame anyone else because you agree to something you don't want to do or to happen

If you dont want to be in one then don't have one or agree for your partner to do it

I agree with you OP, it seems to be especially rife post-divorce too. People just cba to make a normal commitment. I’ve been asked out by a few open marriagers too. It gives me the ick as it is just so half arsed. Strikes me as people who’ve given up on trying to be decent.

This is the crux of it they are riding roughshod over another person's informed consent, if in the case someone like OP would NOT consent if she knew then strictly speaking it would be rape.
Before anyone jumps on me I know OP asked and refused but if she hadn't. The person in the open relationship was being deceptive.

This

If they're going on dates they should be upfront about this right off the bat. The whole polyamory thing seems very in vogue atm, I'm getting endless content in my feed about it. I think some ppl are probably just not suited to monogamy; they get bored.

I'm curious how this works with children though, would be interesting to hear their experiences.

I know a couple who have previously bleated on about their ‘ethical non monogamy’ on social media, her as part of her (at the time, now failed) love, sex and relationship coaching. Both appear to be total narcissists and appear to use this as a crutch for how edgy and forward thinking, and so more far evolved than us monogamous bores, they are. Tbh I find it all a bit cringe. So i’m with you @Thingsivesaid

This is true.
The crucial thing is that they were usually begrudgingly entered into pragmatically as a way of maintaining a marriage for sake of maintaining an image, a title, property and so on.
There may be great fondness and mutual respect but little romantic love.
For the woman that's definitely left the building, for the man he may still love his wife but want extra women.

'He does what he does, I do what I do and nobody mentions it.' often apply.

Today's version is different.
People think they can genuinely get romantically involved with two or more people.
Now this IS bullshit.

Ironically in today's version men suffer because women are more selective!
Unless he's hot, in which case he can just have affairs.
Women don't tend to be interested in other men if in love with their dh anyway.

So what's the point unless you're prepared to live in an aristocratic type arrangement or begrudgingly accept things for the sake of pragmatism like keeping the house?

I have a friend who is a mum to 2 kids who does this. Career driven, dates guys on her work trips and sometimes locally. You can always tell when she's seeing someone new because the effort to look good goes up instantly. Dolled up, spring in her step. And soon as it's finished she goes back to loungewear and wellies.
We used to be good friends. Now i keep my distance because i dont like what i see. She doesn't show up for her kids properly during these romances and it makes me really sad. And i dont want to hear her tell me about them.
The husband just seems miserable and irritated the whole time.

One of my best friends is poly with kids. She has mostly casual relationships outside her marriage as does her husband. They also have kids.

They don't introduce their kids to other partners but my friend has had a partner who did/does and they seemed perfectly okay about it. More or less like your kids accept their parents having friends.

My friend is also selective about friends socialising with her other partners. So she never randomly brings the boyfriend to a party of a family friend or anything although most people know they are non-monogamous. They didn't want people to "catch" them out on dates.

It works the same as having a social life as being an adult parent. Either the other parent has the child while you go out, or you're both out and they are with grandparents.

My friend has little trouble finding men who are respectful, fun and compatible with her situation. She is reasonable about the fact she is a married woman who is staying married so she is understanding of the fact that these other men won't be centering their lives around her.

Her husband has more trouble finding women who are okay with his limitations over a period of time. He meets women who want to date him often, but then over time, they want more than he can offer and some feel they are entitled to it. He has a girlfriend at the moment though. She is married.

They started out swinging but she found that group too unethical, homophobic and misogynistic in various ways.

On dating apps like, you see plenty of women who are ONLY seeking non-monogamous relationships.

I'm sorry but I think your comment about rape here is both incorrect and deeply offensive.

Well now you know this, it's on you to make sure the people you date are single by asking. Yes they might lie outright but it is less likely they will than just not mention it until they have to.

You see, honestly, when you first meet someone, they probably are open to dating other people. Anyone who is willing to be exclusive with you after one date is a big red flag for desperation and all the bad things that comes from having a desperate and lonely partner.

I know the difference. The issue is transparency. If you're single and looking around, everyone pretty much understands what it means. You keep your options open until you really like someone and decide to give it a go.
With these open relationship-ers the set up is different from the get-go. Murky waters.

This sounds like bollocks. What’s your proof of this?

Says more about your circle of friends🤔

Haha 😄 Maybe. These are all professional people with careers, houses and families. So who knew.

They work well for some. My best mate is gay and this is fairly common in the gay world. He was happier to do it when younger but isn’t so keen now he’s getting on. It’s questionable whether everyone is designed to be monogamous or not, the amount of affairs people get embroiled in would suggest not. I think many people crave something new and fresh.