AIBU to still feel put off after his hurtful blowjob comment?

[nilbyemouth]

Me and my partner have a great relationship but both struggle with anxiety and it sometimes affects our sex life. We’ve been together almost 20 years. We had a rough patch (relationship in general) a couple of years ago and would argue every week. In the middle of one of these arguments, out of nowhere (at least I felt like it was out of nowhere) he said something to the effect of “you’ve not given me a blowjob for a decade”.

Obviously it really pissed me off because it was not even remotely true and when I’ve tried to be a spicy with him he often gets awkward about it. He says he gets anxious and for a long time he’s told me when I demand too much from him sex-wise it gives him performance anxiety. So it pissed me off even more that he would make a comment like that which obviously would lead to performance anxiety for me.

I told him to take the comment back, which he did. But to the damage was done, it completely put me off oral. Haven’t done it since, almost two years I think, but honestly can’t remember…

Thoughts?

Advice on how to get past this if you have any?

Why on earth are you with him??

The thing is, if an issue is unresolved, it might as well have happened this morning. The passage of time alone is not enough to wipe it out. OP, go to counseling yourself and ask for guidance on how to talk to him in a way that assures him you are in this together and that doesn’t immediately make him defensive and angry. There are ways to do that. Ignore posters who said it was a joke, trivial, not hurtful. If what he said is still causing you anguish 2 years later, it was and is hurtful. For the two of you to truly be close again, you both will need to work through it.

Wow, I can’t imagine a sex life without mutual oral stimulation tbh, for DP and I it’s an absolutely integral part of sex, but each to their own I guess.

Yes, if that’s what she enjoys and what the subject of conversation with her friends was about! But, he didn’t make an unkind comment, he simply acknowledged that he enjoys a blowjob, she’s taken it as being unkind. Why shouldn’t he, or she, admit their feelings on something when discussing that very subject matter.

Well if you haven't got the emotional intelligence to work it out I won't waste my breath explaining it to you 🥴 No empathy at all. Of course it's ALL the way she's taken it, nothing to do with his lack of tact. Let me guess you're a Trump supporter too 😄🤭

Good for you, maybe you both like pegging too, doesn't mean you have a great sex life and the rest of us don't. The main thing is you and your partner are both happy and respectful and not guilt-tripping the other person to do something they don't feel like.

I think you could both do with some therapy for your anxiety. You shouldn't be holding on to a comment that the majority of people would have forgotten about within an hour. He shouldn't be anxious with a partner of 20 years.

That is genuinely the most batshit response I have read on Mumsnet! I commend you for it! I really do because how you’ve managed to bring Donald Trump into a disagreement about how I would have handled a comment about a blow job is absolutely amazing! Keep being you, you’re incredible! 🤣🤣🤣

@mtobrokeme as I thought 😉

As you thought? It was a totally mental conclusion (the Trump thing), but you seem to think you've proved it somehow with that winky face. Care to explain?

She can’t! But I am so looking forward to seeing her try!

Has he not asked for one in two years?

If he has what happened?

If he hasn't, surely that implies that he knew how much the comment upset you and is also just burying his head in the sand and almost punishing himself rather than discuss something that might be painful in the short term but beneficial in the long term.

@mtobrokeme and @Isittimeformynapyet with words like batshit and mental as your responses I think you must be taking lessons from the orange man in deflection and avoiding answering anything you can't.

Nobody asked me anything.

I was responding as a casual observer of your exchange with @mtobrokeme

What question did you ask me lovey that I didn’t answer?!

The one I asked of you lovely..."Would you love your oral sex as much if you knew your partner didn't want to do it?"