AIBU to still feel put off after his hurtful blowjob comment?

[nilbyemouth]

Me and my partner have a great relationship but both struggle with anxiety and it sometimes affects our sex life. We’ve been together almost 20 years. We had a rough patch (relationship in general) a couple of years ago and would argue every week. In the middle of one of these arguments, out of nowhere (at least I felt like it was out of nowhere) he said something to the effect of “you’ve not given me a blowjob for a decade”.

Obviously it really pissed me off because it was not even remotely true and when I’ve tried to be a spicy with him he often gets awkward about it. He says he gets anxious and for a long time he’s told me when I demand too much from him sex-wise it gives him performance anxiety. So it pissed me off even more that he would make a comment like that which obviously would lead to performance anxiety for me.

I told him to take the comment back, which he did. But to the damage was done, it completely put me off oral. Haven’t done it since, almost two years I think, but honestly can’t remember…

Thoughts?

Advice on how to get past this if you have any?

Hi OP,

I wonder if you two are ready to move on from anxiety? Anxiety in the bedroom is not going to be good for you moving forward...

Soo, what can you do together to move on from it?

I have in the past ruminated about things that happened that were not ideal. Ruminating on them was like a rabbit hole - 'hmm, so if that happened, then it means this, and THEN what???'

It just got worse and worse.

With one issue, when it came to the new year, I decided that I was simply not going to think about it anymore, to hurt myself by thinking about it, to ruin my mood, potentially ruin my relationship etc. I just decided to stop and move forward, and it worked 100%.

If both of you want to continue your sex life happily, then work on your head space. Maybe he said a thing that meant something, but said it wrong. Maybe he was expressing that he would like more somehow? Maybe he hasn't yet let himself go there? If you can accept that the clumsy way he said the thing doesn't detract from the truth of the thing, and that is what you are actually dealing with, then maybe you can think, 'right OK then, let's do something about it.' Then you can put it down and move forward.

All of it points to the idea that you could get together, get stuck in together, come closer, communicate more honestly, grow closer emotionally, and both end up having great oral sex that makes both of you feel good, both as giver and receiver?

If you want to remain close to him, I wonder if this sort of idea may help. Your relaionship can be protected, both of your humanities can be given grace to be not perfect, and you could end up closer....

Thank you for this thoughtful and helpful post.

Well I probably would have said at the time- " a comment like that is certainly not going to get you one any quicker" particularly if it's nowhere near true. He sounds like a bit of a toddler, over estimating times like that is childish.

OK, so he makes a comment when you were both unhappy and you find it hurtful, fair enough. But to still be hung up on it and not be giving bjs 2 years later....is really not normal.
Not the actual Bj thing Obvs, but hanging onto it. Someone says something hurtful to me, I hurt and then move on.

Why don't you communicate properly after 20 years? Why have you both still got all these hang up? Life is just not worth this extra stress. Freeyourself from this, OP. It's really not good for your mental health.

It was two years ago??
You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill and just winding yourself up at this point with nothing to justify it.

If he pisses you off this much, just leave him.

It sounds like you both will be better off with other partners, maybe one who doesn’t get anxious so easily to help demonstrate a healthy and realistic approach to sexual relationships.

Honestly, men who say this sort of thing are just idiots.

I can't even remember who it was said about but, when I was younger, my then boyfriend made a comment about some random woman (I can't even remember if she was on TV or in real life now) and said she had the perfect mouth for a blow job (she had full lips).

My head went straight to - he's looking at her/other women and imagining/wanting a bj from her; I don't look like her so he isn't satisfied with a bj from me; and felt that every time he looked at me doing it he'd be wishing I looked different or was someone else.

He didnt ever get another and then I ended it because I realised I just didn't feel 'safe' in the relationship. Not physically unsafe but emotionally unsafe. And that's an absolute sexual intimacy killer.

The thing is, this is still bothering you which is your subconscious looking out for you. It's communicating that there's something not right in the relationship and that's not going to get better unless you can both talk about it honestly and openly.

What a bizarre comment for him to make!
im sure he’ll have forgotten about it now or at least would say he has! How come you’re thinking about it now, is it because you want to give him one? At the end of the day, think about what you want out of the bigger picture for your relationship and work towards that. It might mean you let that comment go.

What's the disdain towards oral sex? I know it's not everyone's preference, but I will admit I enjoy receiving and giving oral sex.

DH and I make it fun and make off-the-cuff remarks. He likes to visit 'Hollywood', and I enjoy his 'love spell'.

She hasn’t done it for two years SINCE the comment. As a result of the comment.

It’s in the OP.

OP - I do hope you get counselling because you need help to self reflect.

And more generally - if you ask for opinions on something, it implies that you are wondering if your thoughts, reactions, feelings are justified.
And very clearly a lot of people gave you the opinion that no - this level of hurt and upset over 2 years over such tiny comment is not really justified.

You dismissing these opinions by saying "they dismissed my feelings" - just shows that you are not, in fact, ready to think about your own issues and why you react the way you react. You just want people to agree with you, and that is not a great start, and, most importantly - that won't help you to feel any better.

Not all feelings are justified, just because we feel them. You can feel hurt - and be "wrong" about that feeling - if you misunderstand, or misinterpret, or (like in your case) if your own issues make you over react/and twist the situation.

Separately - I am not sure you have stayed with someone who is this insecure as to suggest you are cheating while visiting a toilet. That wouldn't give me most people a performance anxiety - that would generally drive people away.

What a catch he sounds. I would not be with a man who said this out loud to your friends, it's gross and shows a level of misogyny. If he said the world would be sad without "oral sex" that would be slightly better as would imply he likes to give and receive, but clearly all he cares about is getting it.
The worse thing though is saying it in public when clearly you aren't doing BJs, it's a complete dig at you and designed to make your feel insecure. Discussing sex issues through public jibes and insults during arguments are no way to resolve things. He sounds very immature and I would also agree with others that it's abusive behaviour. If he wants to improve your sex life it needs to be through discussion and treating you well.

Why?

Right, but this is some time ago now? You had a rough patch a few years ago where he moaned he wasn’t getting any blowjobs, but now you have a ‘great relationship’?

I’m not sure why you let it bother you the first time if he was talking out of his arse and I really don’t know why it’s still on your mind if the relationship is good?

Because he made a snide comment recently about BJs to their friends in front of OP.

He didn’t make the first comment about blowjobs though. Her friend did. And actually, yes, the world be a sadder place if I didn’t get oral sex! That’s not snide it’s just acknowledging he likes a blowjob after someone else brought it up.

@mtobrokeme Sadder place for you maybe, not the world though eh?
He's also saying he likes something that they aren't having. It's sensitive and shouldn't be used as a weapon in public to make OP feel bad. He's trying to bully her into BJs.
Would you love your oral sex as much if you knew your partner didn't want to do it?

Where has she said he’s bullying her into it? He is allowed to respond to a conversation started by someone else. He is allowed to say he enjoys something when that’s the case regardless of whether they’re having it or not! He didn’t bring it up!

I don’t get why you found this comment hurtful or why you have sulked so much that you have punished him by not doing it for two years.
This is not healthy OP and you couldn’t really blame him for going elsewhere, could you? Not really, not rationally, based on what you’ve said here?

Why not just make things up, talk things through, draw a line under it and move forward? Or call it a day and move on? But sulking and punishing your partner won’t make you happy.

She could also have responded she loves hard all night sex knowing fully well he isn't able to fulfil this due to his performance anxiety. Would that be a kind comment for her to make?

Thanks, that’s is exactly how I see it. Anytime anybody brings up sex talk I don’t engage because I try to not make things worse for him. I also agree with your earlier comment about how he could have softened it by generalising to oral instead of it being specifically about bjs

I can see why it seems like I’m punishing him, but it really isn’t like that. It’s become more of an aversion and a way to reclaim a sense of autonomy I guess. The comment made me feel like there’s a mysterious quota that needs filling. Like he’s keeping a tally. What’s the number I need to hit? What’s the right frequency? Made the whole thing feel so unnatural and monitored, and like one PP said - a chore.

Relationships and even just sex shouldn't be this complicated and fraught with anxiety top trumps. Is it really a relationship you want to stay in?

Thanks for another thoughtful response.

You might be right about what you are saying about being wrong about a feeling but I’m working from a baseline and a set of communication rules that he has been involved in creating.

He has said time and time again he gets hurt when I imply something is inadequate and says he gets performance anxiety from it. So in the world that just has the two of us in it, if he makes a comment like that to me then it seems rational that I would be hurt by it.

I’d be more hurt that it was completely untrue.

I said something in the same vein to DP, we don’t live together and if we only see each other once a week he may not give oral every time we see each other but I look forward to that part. I said “you never give me oral anymore” which was completely untrue. Just because he hasn’t for two weeks doesn’t mean he never does and he got his back up about it. Rightly so. This is just the same thing but the other way round. I shouldn’t have said it but it did really feel like I never get it anymore! And to be honest it made him anxious and that he HAD to do it. That’s not the case ever and I don’t want to make him feel like he HAS to do anything. I felt quite bad after he told me how it made him feel. Maybe tell your DH how it made you feel? You’re allowed feelings!!

It was not innocuous. It was intended to hurt and it did. He is experiencing the consequences.