DMIL ignoring me. AIBU to avoid outings with my mother-in-law after this?

[Beingseenisneedy]

DMIL has come to visit. Had a falling out last year as we were apparently not inviting her over enough.

Has 4 sons, all unmarried but DH, all tow the line, including DH although he's getting better.

With the fallout, I stood my ground and talked back at her, something she's never had from her sons.
She cried and made out I was attacking her.
DH was caught in between but it blew over as she then pretended nothing had ever happened.

I used to include her, make a fuss, cook elaborate meals, give her our bigger bedroom when she came to stay, take her out every day etc until we moved and needed time to settle.

This is when she kicked off about not being invited even though DH would still go and visit her.

Now she's here, it's been tense. When she arrived, she made a beeline for our bedroom and I had to break it to her that she's actually in the spare room.

This morning, she went to the shops with DH before I saw her, they got back when I was making breakfast in the kitchen. She walked past without a good morning. She'd seen me but I hadn't initially as I was grabbing something from the fridge.

I then shouted morning and she came back, mumbled good morning and went to her room.

Breakfast was a little tense but ok as didn't want to spoil it for DH.

We were all meant to go for a walk after but I stayed back as couldn't be asked.

She's taken it as a slight of course and rest of the day will be a pain. I took AL for this!

She goes back on Thursday.

Will I be unreasonable to opt out of rest of outings and never invite her again?
Obviously DH would still want to invite her as his house too but maybe work late whenever she does visit.

So done with the drama.

I would try to cancel your AL if you can, there’s no point using it if you’re not going on trips and she’s being weird with you. If you can’t, what are your plans?

She sounds a bit like my MIL. I don't see her at all. Neither does DH, now, after he stopped toeing the line and she became incredibly spiteful.

YANBU.

How strange that she went straight to your bedroom!

You are the host, so some basic civility is needed from her.

Be at peace that this is the last time she will be in your house. Your DH might not stand up to her but he isn't going to facilitate her visiting by himself is he? When he will have to do everything.

Take yourself off out to do things you enjoy during your annual leave and ignore her.

I agree with the above poster, say you have been called back into work, emergency. Ignore her tantrums and territory pissing act as if nothing is wrong. Be pleasant at meal times, ask how the day went? Let your husband deal with it.

Don’t take AL again but I would let her come if DH hosts. TBH you made a rod for your own back rolling out the red carpet for her at the start. If boundaries are new to her be consistent but not cruel, her Son’s have done her no favours pandering to her.

It sounds quite mad to me that you were talking annual leave, giving up and making elaborate meals. MIL and I just rub along by leaving one another alone, mostly, even when we lived in another country and she and FIL would come to stay for a week at a time. I mean, it's fine to acknowledge you don't like one another, and would not choose to have one another in your life, if it wasn't for your connection via DH.

Well you have two choices: offer her an olive branch or freeze her out. Personally Id try the forner (once) if that failed it would be the latter for all time.

Stay in and do some chores and gardening, would be time better spent honestly.

Definitely cancel the AL.
Tell him he now visits her at her home.
Life is too short for this.
If he doesn't have your back, do not have children with him.
You will regret it.
If he insists on her visiting, go and stay with family.

Quite. I'd always given her our room, but it was how she'd left her stuff arranged in there for her next visit that I realised how it was already becoming an expectation.

Slightly off topic, but the phrase is actually 'couldnt be arsed', not 'couldnt be asked'. You're definitely not the first to use it that way though!

And yes that sounds really tense and stressful, im sorry youre going through that, especially in your own house

Why are you putting your dh and his feelings on a pedestal when he is clearly happy to let someone disrespect you in YOUR own home. No wonder people like your mil get their way and continue being so awful - because everyone tip toes around them. If someone ignores me in my home then they are not welcome, and anyone who allows this can join them.

Agree, although at forst, DH hadn't disclosed how unpleasant she is. He'd tried to play happy families and it all became more apparent as the years went by and I questioned the weird family dynamics.
Her sons for a long time couldn't meet without her also being present.

Have you got headphones?zone out and enjoy your gardening imo.
Dh can host his dm.

After all it's your time off too.

Thanks, it's think this will be the way going forward, leave DH to it.

Make sure you pack up anything she tries to leave and send it off with her. End her expectations fully.

As a PP suggested maybe the new plan should be DH goes to visit her.

The olive branch was this visit, after she blew her top at not being invited enough.

For the record, she's been to stay more times than anyone else, including my own DM, BFF and sisters.

Thank you, see, can't even spell as so stressed.
That's the thing, being ignored in my own home just because I dared stand up to her.

It's only now in his late 40's he's realising the mental damage she's done.
Has always pitted the brothers against each other and I am trying to be supportive instead of being another problem for him to deal with.

Quite. I was working till late before going to pick her up from the airport. Hasn't once asked how work is or after my family.

Good idea of headphones.

What happened in the fall out?

There's talking back and there's talking back... Were you rude?

At the end of the day like it or not she's your DH mum and is not likely to change massively at an older age. You can set boundaries.

This would be the best way, but I feel I'd be letting DH down by not supporting him by at least going with him.
I do realise how mad this sounds as I'm typing.
When DH apologised for her being an unpleasant person, I was glad he'd finally started seeing her for what she is.
It's been a struggle getting him to this point.

An emergency at work sounds like the idea get out.

Maybe look at this way, yes it’s a pain her being here, but least DH can see the way she is treating you in your own home once again. When she inevitably moans about the stay and exaggerates how awful you/the stay was, DH will see she is talking a load of shite! (Hopefully)