DMIL ignoring me. AIBU to avoid outings with my mother-in-law after this?

[Beingseenisneedy]

DMIL has come to visit. Had a falling out last year as we were apparently not inviting her over enough.

Has 4 sons, all unmarried but DH, all tow the line, including DH although he's getting better.

With the fallout, I stood my ground and talked back at her, something she's never had from her sons.
She cried and made out I was attacking her.
DH was caught in between but it blew over as she then pretended nothing had ever happened.

I used to include her, make a fuss, cook elaborate meals, give her our bigger bedroom when she came to stay, take her out every day etc until we moved and needed time to settle.

This is when she kicked off about not being invited even though DH would still go and visit her.

Now she's here, it's been tense. When she arrived, she made a beeline for our bedroom and I had to break it to her that she's actually in the spare room.

This morning, she went to the shops with DH before I saw her, they got back when I was making breakfast in the kitchen. She walked past without a good morning. She'd seen me but I hadn't initially as I was grabbing something from the fridge.

I then shouted morning and she came back, mumbled good morning and went to her room.

Breakfast was a little tense but ok as didn't want to spoil it for DH.

We were all meant to go for a walk after but I stayed back as couldn't be asked.

She's taken it as a slight of course and rest of the day will be a pain. I took AL for this!

She goes back on Thursday.

Will I be unreasonable to opt out of rest of outings and never invite her again?
Obviously DH would still want to invite her as his house too but maybe work late whenever she does visit.

So done with the drama.

The room and the good morning are seperate days/ occasions.
Admit, it's difficult to like someone who treats DH and his brothers the way she has.
She may feel uncomfortable because I stood up to her, that's on her.

He does care, but he's been conditioned his whole life.
There's a lot of work undoing her damage and it will take time.

Thanks, agree, will be pulling right back after this.
I've facilitated most of the invites, so when she doesn't get any, she'll think it's me, yet it's DH who would rather not.
He wouldn't go NC, but it will certainly be less than it used to be.

Sorry you're marrying into one too.

True, I love DH dearly and am somewhat glad he didn't tell me as I'd have run a mile.
He's a good man, despite her having her claws into all her sons.
They're all introverts who worshiped her. Very unhealthy, but he is slowly breaking away.

Yeah my DP is lovely we’ve been together over 20 years. But as I’ve told him before if I had ever met his mum or sister first I’d not have even dated him.

I no longer see either of them because of their disgusting behaviour. DP can see them when he wants, he’s heard nothing for two years now not even a Christmas or birthday text. He deserves far better.

word of warning never have MIL to stay for longer. My future MIL moved in with us, the worst situation EVER. I wish I had had some MN help at the time but not even heard of MN back then. We had to ask her to leave.

I was with you all the way @Beingseenisneedy until that utterly stereotypical comment.

The suggestion that only children/adults are all characterised in the same, negative way is lazy and offensive.

Honestly OP, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't so don't bother. I learned this the hard way.

I used to facilitate everything with my in-laws and they still despised me, so now I don't bother. I'm in the wrong still.

Last week I received another snub from them so any small thing that I still do for them is gone. I am 100% done.

Sorry if you have already answered this but do you have children and if so, how does MIL treat them?
My MIL has never been horrible or difficult with me but she is completely indifferent. My DH feels that she was only really invested in his sisters and their children and not him or his brother.
After 30 years I probably only see her twice a year and DH not much more. Everything is perfectly cordial but it is not how I was with my parents or how I would like to be with my children...almost like visiting a stranger.
Moving forward I would be less available and if DH wants to visit, he should go alone.

Oh gosh, having to ask is awkward in itself, then wondering if they'll actually go on the agreed date.
Certainly won't be invited for longer, after this, if she does come, we'll stick to the 3 day rule.

I literally said, the adults I know!

Sorry you're dealing with similar and it does ring true. Whatever I do, is credited to DH. You can tell it pains her when she thanks me for say a meal.
Had a chat with DH last night as he's also struggling and it will be less time and less often.

Thanks, no kids and we've actually agreed on twice a year visits and any extra, DH can go to her.
It's so draining. Previously it was 6 times a year to us and we'd also visit her on top of that.
She's good at manipulation and we're already preparing for the usual parting words of
"poor me, going back to be by myself. Hope I see you again before I die"

Used to laugh at this, but obviously, meant as a control thing.

I feel the same about my own MIL. Years of running around for her, especially after my FIL died, whilst she ignored me when I visited and “forgot” my birthday for years, despite managing to remember everyone else’s. The final straw was when she ignored me in my own home when I invited her round for Sunday lunch. I quietly made a decision never to visit or invite her again, no big falling out, no drama, fully supported by my lovely DH who wishes he could do the same. I’m happy with my decision but it has caused a rift with my BIL and SIL who think I’m being unreasonable because she’s old and has MH issues.

Do whatever you need to protect your own peace.

If she's come to visit, I'd ask her what she wants to do, and agree on what you both want-if you're unable to walk, say that in advance so she doesn't think you're being rude.
Remember she raised the man you love, so she can't be all bad! Try not to make him feel put in the middle.
Just be polite, but firm with any boundaries, for example if she wants to walk and you can't, suggest alternative ideas.

It’s ’couldn’t be arsed’ not ‘couldn’t be asked’ that makes no sense.

I’ve never heard of a married couple giving up their bedroom for a mother in law!

Certainly wouldn’t want my mother in law sleeping in my bed!

She seems to have become accustomed to feeling she is top dog in your house!

Perhaps your husband could visit her in her own house, and you can sleep in your own bed!! She sounds very entitled 😬.

Screams of the attitude ‘no one will ever be good enough for my golden boy’ but ignoring you in your own home is a mick take.

She needs to go home if she can’t act like an adult……the only get out clause would be if this is new behaviour as it can be the start of things like dementia?!

Ive not read the whole thread, sorry.
Before ditching her/refusing contact I would sit down with her, with a cup of tea and cake etc and say "When you behave like x it makes me feel like y" etc. Talk to her first about her behaviour and how it makes you feel. Explain, calmly, that you need her to respect your home, your marriage (tbh Im astonished that you've ever let her have your bedroom! Guests always stay in the guest bedroom - clues in the name lol)

If her responses are combative, lacking in remorse etc then for sure Id refuse all further visits to your home.

Thank you, sorry you've experienced similar and well done for standing firm. So disrespectful and very much calculated.
DMIL falls over herself to please other people, so she has it in her.
MH and being old has been floated about too, but it's clearly a choice, otherwise she'd do it to everyone.

Thanks, it's wasn't that I couldn't, just that I didn't feel like going on a walk with someone who'd just ignored me in my own house, whilst I was making breakfast for us all.

Thanks, but unfortunately not new behaviour.
Problem is, I didn't realise how bad it was and would give her the benefit of doubt.

It wasn't until DH, and eventually also his brothers started talking about their upbringing.

It wasn't just them but their late DF too who would be made to toe the line. She's always been known to erupt and threaten to kill herself, since no one would miss her anyway.

I only witnessed this for the first time during the fallout and assumed it was new behaviour, turna out not.

Thanks, that would just set her off straightaway as she'd be defensive but can never face up to her actions.

Has never told her aons she loves them and has never said sorry.

At the fallout, she listed a whole lot of what she deemed as slights from us.
Things from years ago when we'd invited her over or taken her out.

One was that we didn't drop our weekend plans to chauffeur her out in her new car, that we knew nothing about.

Yes, they bed thing was clearly me being a people pleaser but only offered to her and my DM.
DM refused the offer, but DMIL accepted and started arranging her stuff in there for the next visit.

@Beingseenisneedy Ah, clearly she is beyond hope. In which case definitely quit bothering to engage with her, please her, devote time to her etc. Not worth your energy.

Thank you, it's sad as it tried for so long. Now it's a case of why bother when nothing I do is appreciated.