To feel insecure about partner’s previous visit to red light district in Amsterdam.

[OldBagzy]

Been with a lovely guy for a few months, he’s very attentive and affectionate, helping me with my body confidence etc which has been a lifelong problem of mine.

However, it came up in conversation that with his former partner he went to Amsterdam and walked around the red light district. Apparently his partner thought it was a good laugh even when he got propositioned by a prostitute.

I realise this was before me and that people do go there out of curiosity etc but with my body issues I am struggling with the fact that he has seen the bodies of really hot women. How can he possibly find my flat chest and wobbly stomach attractive after seeing that?! He must have been being polite. I feel so ashamed of my body again, I don’t feel like I want to be intimate anymore.

I don’t know what to do, I can’t change what he’s seen or how I feel about it but I don’t want to over react and ruin things. Genuinely can’t help these feelings so what do I do about them? I know I have to move past it but I need some help.

Thank you.

I don’t think you can actually not walk through it, it’s just out in the open. He is with YOU, not a prostitute. He obviously finds you attractive with him telling you how lovely you are. You could maybe speak to your gp and see if you can get some CBT sessions? It’s not good to keep a hold of these feelings.

With kindness this is a you problem and maybe speak to someone externally about it to overcome. He will have seen plenty of woman with flat stomach, toned bodies, ‘perfect bodies’ he will also have seen other shapes and sizes. We all do..
at no point do I compare that to my husband or myself. I do think some therapy 121 would
Help. If not affordable then read lots of self help books to train your mind. Be kinder to yourself

With no judgement intended and I mean this nicely, it's not his role to build your confidence and you can't put your issues onto him to solve because that's a little unfair as you can't just blame him everytime you feel insecure.

You need to work on your insecurities away from the relationship so that you dont push him away. It's not his fault you feel the way you do.

I have been to the red relight district in Amsterdam , they are not wonderfully toned beautiful bodies. They cater for EVERY taste. It’s like walking down Skegness beach . They are all wearing some sort of clothing, usually just underwear , but fuck me , there is every size and shape . It’s not like an all u can eat buffet of Victoria’s secrets models. And yes it is hard to avoid and it’s also very small . You are spiralling and your imagination is working overdrive. You need to learn to control this .

Thank you! This has been so reassuring! I know the problem is me and I don’t want to ruin things.

People are being re-assuring about the range of bodies on display...OK, is that the main issue? He was with a previous partner. Not alone or with a stag party having sex with prostitutes.

Not sure about the ethics of a woman and him thinking it was 'a good laugh' to be gawping at prostitutes but that doesn't seem to be your worry.

He didn't have sex with a paid woman, the outlook of men who think women are a commercial commodity is more worrying, IMO, than men strolling through Amsterdam with a woman they are in a relationship with.

This is a you issue. You don't think he has seen porn? Women with the whole range of body types on the beach or at a pool?

I hope you are able to continue addressing your insecurities because thinking like this will drive you mad, and him away.

This.

I also walked around the red light district with an ex-boyfriend decades ago. There are all shapes, sizes, ethnicities there. There were a couple of very stunning women who looked Thai - they really were beautiful - and I couldn't help wonder about their circumstances.

My ex and I were approached by a very seedy man who wanted us to be involved in a sex show on stage. We refused! Unsurprisingly!

There is no way that you should be envious of the women there.

Work on you. Practice self care. Go and buy some clothes you feel great in. Some new makeup if you want. You have to believe in yourself.

OP, I have been through the RLD in Amsterdam multiple times, this idea you have of hordes of beautiful picture perfect women lined up is all in your head. It ‘caters’ for all tastes and I do mean all.

Not sure you could go to Amsterdam and not walk through.

It's one street.

One.

You're seriously jealous of people who have to sell their bodies.....think about that.

Please you need to work on your self esteem.

Yeah I've passed though the RLD too and it's really not some magical, sexy place full of glamorous sexy women. It's awkward and seedy.

Like others have said work on your self esteem because your boyfriend is going to see gorgeous bodies and the gym, the supermarket, the park, the beach etc etc That's just life. I'm sure my husband sees 'better' bodies than me and I see 'better' bodies than his but I haven't spent 20 off years with him because of his body and I hope that isn't his motivation for staying with me.

I do know it’s illogical, most mental health triggers are not particularly rational. The word “jealous” feels wrong, this is not about the women themselves, it’s about an impossible standard in his head. But knowing that the women on display have a variety of body shapes, similar to what he would see on a beach, does help me.

I would love to be so body confident like his ex was, I admire her for that but after years of bullying it’s just something I struggle with. I’m not a bad person I just struggle with this particular issue and I’ve asked for a bit of help so I can try and deal with it myself and not ruin things. I accept my feelings are not the “norm”.

Sheesht, you do know that he can look at women with killer bodies online at any point he chooses?! No trip to Amsterdam required.
Don’t be that person who is seeking reassurance over your body from a partner of only a few months. It’s meant to be fun at this point. You need help before you lose him.

I know, I don’t want to be that person. He is very good with my struggles but I don’t want him to tire of it.

It is not up to him or anyone else to fix you rhat is not their role or fair on them

If you cant see thia you need to stay single it will never end well

I've been through the RDL is Antwerp and like everyone says its honestly nothing to worry about. The women there are not like you are imagining in your head (if they were they wouldnt be working in the RLD). There is no way I would go to Amsterdam and not walk through there, its part of the tourist trap!

Me and DH went to Amsterdam and we walked through the RLD and it’s literally just one or two tiny little streets that are practically in top of each other and they cant be avoided. One minute you’re coming out of a newsagents and right next door is a big window with a woman standing there in her underwear! It gave me the shock of my life.

It’s not like some sexy private area that you purposefully have to travel to….. it’s literally right there in the open on everyone’s doorstep.

And believe me, it’s grim!

Just random women of all ages and sizes (not young and sexy temptresses like you envisage) standing in small doorways trying to lure men into their grotty rooms, where there is nothing but a bed and a sink.

Honestly, it’s nothing like you are probably imagining!!!!

Please don’t give it a second thought!

I went to a shop to buy a drink and a packet of crisps and there was a designated section where men can pay money to sit in an enclosed area and wank off to a porn video, and men were queuing up to do it as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Do not let the fact he’s walked through the RLD have an impact on your relationship! I mean it’s an interesting experience (I genuinely couldn’t believe what I was seeing) but it really isn’t anything to worry yourself over.

Me and DH were absolutely fascinated by how surreal it all was and I would have wet myself from laughing if he’d been propositioned!

Echoing others comments here. The red light district in Amsterdam is smack in the middle of the city and covers a large area. Its a weird mix of bars, sex shops and yes the infamous 'windows'. When I was there it seemed most of the crowds were couples and tourists rather then stag dos. Truth be told it gets rather borint after a while and as others have pointed out yoi get all shapes and sizes on show!

There are beautiful women everywhere, though. Walking about in real life, on television, in films, on social media. He sees stunning women every day - we all do. Why is the RLD specifically such a worry for you?

Do people really think like this?

My partner has cellulite, a squishy tummy and stretch marks. They are the most beautiful person in the world to me.

That’s how you’re supposed to feel when you’re with someone.

The Red Light District ladies are just other women. Ordinary, average women.

Laughing at them is cunty though.

Lol
X

I thought this was going to be about having sex with prostitutes. Everyone walks around the red light district in Amsterdam. They are all just very normal looking women because they are prostitutes not catwalk models.

It's in the middle of Amsterdam. I didn't realise I was there until some bloke tried to invite me into a live sex show. Why he thought a single woman at 10am on a beautiful spring morning would be interested in a live sex show puzzles me still, but I suppose h probably said the same to every passerby.

The issue is that the “impossible “ standard is not in his head… it’s in yours, and truly made up, because you based it on your own imaginary version of the RLD. He will see beautiful, toned , sexy women everywhere. The gym, the beach, in a club, in a cafe etc. He probably even dated some. He is with you now and that’s for a reason. Stop trying to live up to an expectation that you assigned him. He’s showing you what he likes by being with you.

They weren’t laughing AT anyone, far from it. They just found the whole Amsterdam experience a bit of a laugh - RLD, sex museum, all the different things you don’t normally see I guess.